Posts tagged work

A Dream Away

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There’s not a day that passes that I don’t sit and imagine
If this skill would just develop, all the things that would just happen
How this fucking cage I’m in and the hole that I feel trapped in
Would fall to shreds and vanish and leave me in it’s ashes
So I could rise up like a phoenix and look down at all you bastards
With the fury of thousand words, I’ll leave you feeling plastered
Cause the skill that I just mastered dimmed the lights on Mr. Passive
And I’m the one who stood tall preaching bullshit to the masses
I’m just sick of all your “classes” and the beat downs and darkness
These fucking words I hold so dear can leave me feeling heartless
Like a bomb in your apartment, I will blow the fucking roof off
And then lower my own tone to the point I think it’s too soft
I will knock their fucking shoes off with my grasp on my emotions
To me it’s just a silly rhyme, but to them it’s all just poems
And people all around the world, though I’ll never know them
Will tell me that they love me and my words help to console them
And then I’ll go and show them the whole lighter side of living
The fun in being stupid and the joy in the sometimes sinning
The way to make a joke even if the time’s not fitting
Cause if we can not laugh, then I’m simply fucking quitting
But right now I’m just here sitting and praying they don’t find
Hiding from the assholes who love to fucking grind me
The way they bark their orders, the way they love to try me
One day is just a dream away and then I’ll redefine me

Notes: Crude and rough, but figured I might as well post it anyway.

Adjusting to Leadership

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I’ve been a supervisor, officially, for two weeks, now, and I’m still going through growing pains. I have two main issues that I know I need to deal with before I go insane: My desire to do it all myself and my never ending fear of failure.

No matter what the environment may be, when you become a leader, you need to learn delegation skills. While I understand the process, I also have this natural instinct to want to do everything myself. In my case, I wound up selling WAY too much in the first week on the job. I became so engrossed in the selling, that I really felt like the numbers were solely up to me and my sales. It was exhausting and, honestly, I’m glad I was able to notice the issue before I drove myself too crazy so quickly. I don’t want my employees to think I’m running from the work, but I know I can’t do it all and need to be smart about delegating things in the future.

My other problem is something I’ve dealt with for all of my life: An absolute fear of failing. We can dive deep into the psychology of why I fear failure so much, but there’s no point. In reality, I don’t feel joy whenever I succeed. Instead, I feel relief that I didn’t fail. Obviously, the feeling isn’t all that enjoyable. As I work to turn around a department that has lagged behind the pack for a long time, I find myself freaking out over every little set back. I guess part of me expects to be able to fix the problems over night. Another part of me, when that doesn’t happen, sends itself into a panic and brings me with it. I know it’s not healthy and I need to figure out what an acceptable rate of improvement is because, otherwise, I’m going to wind up in a straight jacket. I just really don’t want to fail at this. I took a big risk by staying with this company for as long as I have and I know this is my one chance to prove I can do it and move further up the ladder. Failure would ruin all of that.

My friends at work have been great in getting me through this all, though. When I’m lost in the numbers or freaking over a set back, it’s nice to have people around me who are funny and intelligent and able to make me laugh or distract me. For a guy who used to shy away from people, I’ve become really reliant on those around me for that all important mental relief.

Back to wearing khakis

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Today, I officially start my new position as Sales Supervisor in my store and I’m super nervous. I’ve been working in the warehouse for 4 years, now, and going back to the sales floor is going to be a major adjustment. On top of that, going back to the sales floor with so much more responsibility on me makes me worry about failing. I obsess about not failing and I’m praying to god that I don’t drive myself crazy.

The one thing that will help me get through this, as is always the case, will be my co-workers. I was able to hand pick my team and that definitely helped build some confidence in my ability to get things rolling. There’s a mix of gamers and overall good workers and, most importantly for my nerves, good friends who I trust to do their best to get us to victory. Having these people around me and knowing that they aren’t clueless drones who will try to get by doing the bare minimum is a very nice feeling and one that lends itself to easing my nerves.

I still worry, though, about how the schedule change will affect my personal life, namely, my relationship. In my previous role, I would work 6am – 2pm shifts, which would give me plenty of time to make it out to Melanie on most days. Now, on the sales floor, most of my shifts will be mid to late shifts, where I won’t get out until 8pm. This is seriously going to put a cramp on the number of days that I can see Melanie and I worry about the strain it’ll put on our relationship. I’m hoping that we’re both patient enough to deal with it.

This is going to be an interesting journey, either way. While I know most people would scoff at working their entire lives in retail, it’s something I’ve become ok with. With a company like mine, if I work hard enough, I can make $80,000 to $100,000, on the store level, without having a college degree. I know I should have stayed in school and what not, but it’s a great opportunity to, at least, be financially secure, regardless. With that said, though, I would still like to have a normal 9 to 5, Monday to Friday job. Maybe I can find one at some point, but it seems as though most of them require some sort of college degrees and, well, we just went over that.

Disguised By Fear

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I’m a bit of a mess as I look at these times
There is nothing but stress that weighs down on my mind
I thought I’d be fine as we both crossed the line
“A step to be made” is the bell that we chimed
But as hard as I try to face up to this climb
The challenge still scares me and eats me alive
Cause with you by my side I can see the whole prize
But when you step away it becomes so disguised
Hiding its eyes behind fear and uncertainty
I beg to the sky “oh please won’t you work with me”
Life’s kicking up dirt to me, making it hurt to see
A man who’s much stronger is who I must learn to be
Cause I think I deserve to see a little contentment
A peace down inside to subdue all resentment
This should be an investment and a valuable lesson
But it shakes me to pieces and fills me with tension
It’s the fear, so I’m guessing, that you might not stay with me
It’s stupid and baseless and it makes me feel shitty
With every gift that you give me, you’re sexy and pretty
Without you in my sight, the world is simply so gritty
But we go on with living as we face this together
I admit that I’m scared, but I’ll fight for ‘forever’
Every tie could be severed, I could scratch every letter
As long as you’re with me, I know it gets better.

How my brain handles a promotion at work

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Most people, when receiving a promotion at work, are ecstatic and bask in the feeling of success. I don’t do that. Up until I met up with Melanie, yesterday, I actually exhausted myself thinking through every scenario in which I can fail. Welcome to my mind.

Let me catch everyone up to the present. Last Friday, I interviewed for the new Gaming Supervisor spot at work. This is a position created by the company as they turn their focus to Gamestop and Walmart in an attempt to become the #1 gaming retailer in the U.S. Part of that drive means having leadership and employees dedicated solely to the department and so, when the position was made available, I applied. I love games and I want to move up. It kind of made sense to go for it.

Yesterday, I was told that I would be receiving an offer for the job. Immediately, my emotions were very bitter sweet, with way more bitterness than sweetness. I felt bad for a few co-workers who also went for the spot and would have been just as good of a fit for it. They’re my friends and I, of course, want success for them. It wasn’t pleasant seeing the disappointment in their faces. I know most people will tell me that I have to look out for myself, but it still bothered me. On top of that, I started panicking about all the ways I can screw this up and fail miserably. It’s damn exhausting to think like that and, as today winds down and I’ve spent most of it thinking of the same things, I’m exhausted yet again.

The biggest challenge, though, is going to be heading back to the sales floor. I have become very comfortable in my now former role. I’ve worked only mornings, knew almost every thing there is to know for a person in that position, and got to spend a lot of time with Melanie. Now, as I move back to the sales floor, my schedule will vary wildly and time with Melanie is going to be limited. On top of that, I have never been a supervisor before and I haven’t been on the sales floor in four years. What the hell were these people thinking picking me?! Life is about to get very different.

At the end of the day, honestly speaking, it’s just my fear of change and failure that’s crippling me. Logically, I can see how silly it is to think like this, but that doesn’t change the fact that the thoughts creep in and make me want to run and hide. I hope I can conquer the negativity and, ultimately, succeed at this new job as well as I have in the role I’m leaving. I’m so used to being one of the best, that the thought of falling behind the pack is very scary and not something I want to have to deal with.

Separating work from the rest

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I need to start creating clear distinctions in my life and keep work from spilling into my personal life. To top it off, I need to stop getting stressed out, so easily, at work. It’s all serving to throw off my happiness outside of the big blue box and I’m sick of it.

Even though I mentioned it second, learning to not get stressed out at work should, probably, be my first priority. I go in and get pissed off because the people around me don’t seem to care as much as I do. I talk to managers and supervisors and get no where. I spin my wheels, get aggravated, and let it sit with me the rest of the day. Why should I care if no one else does? If I have to spend every single day cleaning up someone else’s mistakes, then that’s my management’s choice in how they’re spending labor. I get paid, either way.

Regardless of how successful I am with that, I need to make sure any stress I do encounter stays in that building once I punch out. It winds up exhausting me, making me feel old, and interfering with things like my relationship with Melanie. I’m too young to feel this old and I’m done with it. I’m not going to run out and start doing 8 balls, but maybe I’d like to be able to laugh and have a beer and just enjoy a night with my girlfriend, whether we’re going out or sitting home and bumming around. I don’t get paid enough to carry that burden around with me and I won’t do it, anymore.

My jacket was stolen

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There’s nothing catchy or humorous or silly about the title because I’m in no mood to laugh. This is the dumbest shit I’ve had to deal with in a while.

Today was actually a decent day at work. Things didn’t go as planned and work moved a little more slowly than I would have liked, but I made a tangible difference by being there and that’s always good. Things quickly changed after I punched out, though. I went to go get my jacket and my hoody and, well, neither were in the locker that I had placed them in. This was about to get frustrating.

I started looking through all of the lockers in a frenzy as I prayed to God that I would find my stuff. None of the lockers contained my possessions and I was growing increasingly worried. I went into the employee lounge and looked around and found my hoody, thrown on a chair. I had no idea how it found it’s way there, but I was glad to have found it. My jacket, though, was no where to be found. After frantically searching, I went over to the store security and asked them if anyone had been in the lockers. He told me he needed to contact the third party security guys because they knew about it. I had hope until they spoke.

Apparently, my hoody was put into the employee lounge after they caught a woman going through the lockers. Most of us don’t put locks on them and she decided she was going to go into the employee area and start rummaging around. The third party security guard actually watched her doing all of this instead of immediately asking her to leave. Somehow, while this ass was watching, she managed to throw something into my locker and took my jacket as it was, obviously, fair compensation. Since my gloves and face mask were in my jacket pockets, she also got those. I guess she’ll be nice and fucking warm.

At this point, I just left the store. I went next door and bought a new jacket at Modell’s. They had almost the exact same jacket (minor differences) for half off, so I got it for $130. That’s not horrible, but it’s not money I wanted to spend. I actually wound up losing money today instead of gaining. It would have been more economically sound for me to stay home as I would have lost less money. All of this because the third party guard was too busy trying to catch someone stealing product instead of thwarting the problem, in the first place. Thanks for that.

Another disappointment and another shock

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Today was a little rough at work. I came in, as I would any other morning, and began working with my co-worker who had been scheduled along side me. I really didn’t expect anything out of the ordinary to happen. Hell, we even got to work on a planogram, which we haven’t been able to do in months, so I was feeling pretty good about things. Towards the end of the work, the GM came over and asked if he could borrow my co-worker for a few minutes and he’d have him right back. Who am I to say no to the GM? I didn’t think anything of it and went on with my work. That’s when things changed.

About an hour later, I went on my lunch break. After calling Melanie quickly and getting something to eat, I realized my co-worker never came back and texted him to ask him if he went home or if the GM had killed him (jokingly). Not more than two minutes later, I find out he was led out in handcuffs with a police escort. I have no idea what he’s accused of doing, but considering the people who were in the building today, they obviously think it’s something serious. A guy I worked with for 4 years and really grew to trust was now nothing but a common criminal who lied to me and everyone around us. Damn.

I really hope I’m not being too dramatic about all of this. I just feel really shocked by this and extremely disappointed in this guy. The world can really let you down sometimes.

Another year has passed

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So, another year is almost complete and it’s been another interesting one for me. While 2008 was all about my love life and finding that happiness that has carried me since finding it, 2009 has been about advancing my career.

It’s been a long year at work. I started off as part time in Merch, but then quickly jumped over to part time SWAT (counting product) for the extra money and promise of a full time opening. The full time spot never materialized, unfortunately, and I quickly learned how miserable I was in the job and really started to fall off the radar. Thankfully, right before the new management came in, a full time Merch spot opening and, after some convincing, I was given the spot. It’s been stressful and tiring and the source of plenty of minor injuries, but it’s all been worth it. As I said not too long ago, I actually like my job.

I have a feeling that 2010 will continue my focus on work. I want to move up and I really need the extra money that comes along with it, so I have to keep working for it. There are a few minor goals that I’m considering, such as getting my driver’s license, but nothing is set in stone and I hate planning that far in advance.

Anyone else have their goals or focuses set up for the upcoming year?

I actually like my job

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I bitch and moan and get really stressed out way too often, yet I like the job that I have. There’s just something about it and the immediate satisfaction that I get from wiring up a display that is so hard to find in many other paths in life. Even during the holidays, when I don’t get to do the technical stuff, I enjoy the basic aspects of my job and, shockingly enough, even helping the random customer or two so they don’t go crazy trying to make their kids happy.

Next year is going to be an interesting year, for sure. My first full year of being full time and the first time I’ll be working with this new management during non-holiday times. I have high hopes because they seem to want my department to be exactly what it used to be instead of the useless shell that it is now. It’ll mean a lot of stress and work, but the satisfaction will be there more so than it has been in a long time. Now if only I can convince my management that it’s not a crime to be friends with the people I work with. That might take a while.

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