Posts tagged stress

I’m not physically dead

2
2 years ago
by bangbang023 in

I know I haven’t been posting much. Considering some people are wondering if I (and the site) am alive, I thought it would be a good idea to check in fast. Of course this means getting off my lazy ass and typing out thoughts, but I do this work for you.

Work has been really tough. It’s the holidays and I work in retail, so it’s one of those things you just expect. If I was surprised by it, one would have to question where I’ve been for the past 6 years. This is one of those years, though, where the store’s morale is terribly low and it’s really draining on a person over time. On top of that, I’m being tasked with a lot of responsibility that shouldn’t be mine, but I have to accept it to gain the experience so I can move up in the future. It would be a lot easier if other people cooperated, but when you work in retail with 150 other people, you’re bound to come across some of the dimmer bulbs in the box. Unfortunately, these people account for a lot of my stress as I continually have to cover up their mistakes or explain things that should be common knowledge. It can be outright maddening.

Even with that stress and a lack of motivation to write, I’m going to try to post something, at least, once a week. That way we can all enjoy some of the insanity that occurs in my mind.

Fear and aging in NYC

4
2 years ago
by bangbang023 in

This is a sensitive subject, but I decided that putting it out there may help me cope a little better.

Recently, I realized my hair is thinning on the crown (back, top) and it’s really starting to stress me out. To be honest, I’ve already reacted and started using Rogaine, with the intent of stopping the thinning, if not growing back some of the lost hair. The only problem here is that you have to continue using the stuff, otherwise any newly grown hair will be lost within a few weeks. This means that I’m probably going to be stuck using the stuff for the rest of my life. I’m only 25. That’s, presumably, a lot of life left ahead.

It’s scary facing an issue like this for two reasons. Beyond the obviously vain reasons that serve as the first half of this equation, just the notion of accepting that I’m no longer 18 and invincible to the world is scary. It’s such a weird thing to look at, especially when I don’t have a set career path or any real idea where I want to go in life. Hair loss? Teeth problems? This is heavy stuff that I’m not sure I’m ready for.

How does everyone else handle growing up and getting old? Does everyone get freaked out by this stuff or am I simply over thinking things?

Normalcy

0
2 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Perhaps, not yet, but it’s the onset of turrets
An impulse from the chest from all I’ve surpressed
It hasn’t caught yet, but it’s under and on breath
The safest place to be is further than arm’s length
Cause the urge ain’t gone yet, it’s completely conceivable
I can feel it seeping through, the surge is unbelievable
I’ll become the evil dude, the one to stay and see it through
And bring nothing but distress when I really should give peace to you
But I am just the least to you, another broken piece to you
A cog beside a wheel that lacks a little grease to you
I shouldn’t have to preach to you or make a fucking reach to you
You should see the work I do and everything it means for you
So, fuck your little reasons dude and fuck these funny feelings
The ones stealing from the picture and leaving portraits peeling
Envy on the floor again while you’re across the ceiling
I should be fucking proud, but I’m lost and fucking reeling
Concealing what I’m feeling and convinced I’m fucking dealing
It simply isn’t logical, this isn’t fucking healing
This feeling is Goliath and I can not be it’s David
I try to force it out again, but it decides to stay in
And every night and day in, the playground that I play in
Is a minefield of my own and not the safest haven
I wish that I could trade in a cloud or two for normalcy
Cause I truly fucking know that there is something wrong with me

Decisions made and confusion cleared

0
2 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Well, I’m just a tad bit less stressed out than I was in my last few posts. I’ve had time to think and, after talking things out with Melanie and sorting through the facts, have figured everything out for now.

In terms of the Citi position, I’ll let that play itself out and see what happens. In the mean time, I’ve decided to remain in the new position at work. I’ve already received a raise for it (almost 10%) and will, hopefully, be getting more hours very soon. If I can get 30% – 50% more hours, I’ll be ok and can, possibly, stop the bleeding of money that’s been going on for the past few months.

The key here is that I’m getting more money and I’m a lot less stressed. It just took a while to sort everything out.

I have to find that perfect balance

0
2 years ago
by bangbang023 in

I’m stressed and want to vent. If you’re pissed off by what you read, I apologize.

This whole job thing is getting a bit frustrating. After doing a “phone screening” with Citi bank, today, I am now waiting on a branch hiring manager to get in touch with me. While this is good news, in many ways, it also poses a problem: Can I take a job like that knowing that I won’t get to see Melanie more than two days a week, at most?

We’re both at different points in our lives and it’s hard to blend those points together, sometimes. I want to do what’s right for me and make enough money to sustain myself, yet I know, deep in my heart, that I need time with her. Maybe I’m just a stupid kid in love, but it’s what I am.

So, what do I do? I don’t know, to be honest. I’m stressed beyond belief trying to figure this one out. A middle ground solution would be to let the Citi situation play itself out and see if I even get a job offer, but, at the same time, not go back to the position I love at work and stay in the spot I am currently in. I can, probably, work out a pay raise and extra hours from it, though it’d officially be part time and still not like my work.

The problem with that idea is the lack of benefits and I need benefits. I don’t know what to do. My mind is racing a mile a minute and I’m not ready to leave the starting line. I have to figure this gigantic puzzle out and make a major life decision when I’m simply not ready to do so.

I’ve heard your advise. I know what most people will say, so please leave it be. No matter what I choose, people will be pissed off and say I’m wrong. It’s a lose – lose situation and I know it. Lucky me.

A Look and a Glance

0
2 years ago
by bangbang023 in

I take a look at this life and question what it all means
Take a glance through my eyes and for a second you’ll see
That some parts are a dream and the image pristine
While some visions can tear every last stitch from my seams
So, just picture the scene as I can’t make them happy
Two options: Both wrong and yet right, so they trap me
What’s first should be lastly unless I do it that way
Then the last should be first, but they’ll rule it the same
Is their truth just a game to see when they’ll break me?
Do they think I’m ok or do they secretly hate me?
The questions I ponder while the ends aren’t meeting
I work at a job but my mom keeps me eating
Cause this job is a place where hard work gets you nothing
Loyalty, ethics and knowledge should get something
But verbally fronting an act that is hollow
Obtains the reward and the good things that follow
And it’s so hard to swallow, but I can’t do the same
I was taught to work hard; its the way I was raised
I expected my hard work and skill to get praised
But, instead, I get nothing but ignored and betrayed
And all doors are the same whatever my choice is
The silence at work gets mixed in with their voices
I’m simply not right, not allowed to enjoy this
As I struggle inside to find a way to avoid this

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