A trip inside the heart and mind.
Posts tagged stress
Be The Man
Jun 28th
I want to speak to you, let’s take the scenic route
Let’s walk upon the path that will help us see it through
It’s always me and you and we’ve never needed proof
That we could burn the world and then eat the pieces, too
Yeah, can’t you see the truth while walking in these shoes?
Remember bearing down whether dust or tree to move?
Now, it stings to see the fuse as the weakness seems to brew
Who’s been watching who while we’re watching dreams come true?
Cause I know it seems to you and it always seems to me
That everything we never want is how it needs to be
And the howling of our screams from atop these balconies
Have only drowned our pleas and the power in our knees
And we’re falling off our feet and losing all ability
To tell the world to fucking stop cause everything is killing me
Everything is killing you while the anger’s filling me
You look at me for help but there is no power still in me
Cause all that’s found, a chill in me, from staring at destruction
I’m watching wires burn and surroundings lose their function
The construction of a photograph is torn down by the leader
As we’re chased with burning torches and get labeled “non-believer”
And it’s painful, like a fever, as we see the haloed diva
Choking on the smoke she chose, paid for by receiver
I’d hate to be the meter that measures that corrosion
But I want to drink a liter of the fuel set for explosion
And use it with emotion as we spit it in their faces
Light another fire up, then sit in both our places
Watching as it races and the shrapnel filling spaces
Of the emptiness created by the castles it erases
And as we get back to our paces and exchange a glance or two
I wish to be the one you are and be the man like you
Cause you understand the truth and you make the world much clearer
Except that it’s all backwards cause I’m talking to the mirror
And as I’m walking nearer, we’re standing face to face, again
I look to you for help and then ask to set the pace, again
I’ve had to taste disgrace, again, to realize the I need you
I need to walk those footsteps and then one day I’ll be you
No Water Colors
Jun 27th
I think I hit my head and it’s making me go crazy
It makes me want to say things and whine just like a baby
I don’t think the world can save me, though, only fucking break me
Cause everytime we interact it’s like you want to train me
To be a different person and re-arrange the facing
To split a strand of D.N.A. and get to re-creating
It’s like nobody’s happy with the image I’m displaying
They’re always fucking bitching and then they start complaining
And I’m losing in refraining, my nerves are left here straining
I’m looking for some patience, but patience has been waning
The picture that you’re painting is not what’s in the making
So, fucking stop debating because every word is staining me
Now, everything is gray to me all from the words you say to me
You detail every failure; I’d rather it be vague to me
Because it seems insane to me to be the one you crave in me
A dozen different people with an image that they say to be
And every one is painting me to be something I’d hate to be
I’m starting to get lost and still none of you are saving me
Cause even when it’s plain to see that all the stress is breaking me
You keep picking up the pieces and patch me up, they’re taped to me
But the glue is waivering and those pieces get to falling
I’m delaying conversations because I feel much safer stalling
Looking for a calling that could be the lotto drawing
Deliver me a freedom that I can’t get while I’m crawling
So, I’m scrawling these words down until I get those numbers
‘Til I shove them in your face and make you see the wonders
This isn’t water color and I can’t be hidden easily
So, let me be myself and then I’ll find my “need to be”
Separating work from the rest
Jan 30th
I need to start creating clear distinctions in my life and keep work from spilling into my personal life. To top it off, I need to stop getting stressed out, so easily, at work. It’s all serving to throw off my happiness outside of the big blue box and I’m sick of it.
Even though I mentioned it second, learning to not get stressed out at work should, probably, be my first priority. I go in and get pissed off because the people around me don’t seem to care as much as I do. I talk to managers and supervisors and get no where. I spin my wheels, get aggravated, and let it sit with me the rest of the day. Why should I care if no one else does? If I have to spend every single day cleaning up someone else’s mistakes, then that’s my management’s choice in how they’re spending labor. I get paid, either way.
Regardless of how successful I am with that, I need to make sure any stress I do encounter stays in that building once I punch out. It winds up exhausting me, making me feel old, and interfering with things like my relationship with Melanie. I’m too young to feel this old and I’m done with it. I’m not going to run out and start doing 8 balls, but maybe I’d like to be able to laugh and have a beer and just enjoy a night with my girlfriend, whether we’re going out or sitting home and bumming around. I don’t get paid enough to carry that burden around with me and I won’t do it, anymore.
Cloudy View
Jan 23rd
I’ve been clouded by the smoke of what’s becoming your obsession
Wind blows in my direction and it blurs out the perfection
This verse is with discretion cause it’s not said with aggression
Just a little means of venting in this rhyming flowing session
My confident confession is it tends to be a turn off
Mixed feelings on the subject and a shortened fuse to burn off
I try to shed concern off, but I don’t have the ability
Without being so dramatic, the images are killing me
The thoughts alone are filling me as I wish it off so willingly
But every ounce of effort leaves the pictures there and still in me
Paranoia’s billing me and I’m running out of wages
Insanity’s contagious and it’s laced across these pages
And through a mind that races, it screws up all the paces
Anxiety is calling and it’s lacking any patience
It really is outrageous to see how it all can get to me
But I’m keeping it all quiet because it’s all been said to me
And every word’s been fed to me, repeated and proclaimed to me
Our polarizing visions of something that’s insane to me
But it’s the way the pain must be to save the greater picture
So, I try to hold it in and then drown it with a mixture
Of thoughts and other pictures and anything that’s richer
The thousand other things that a Misses gives to Mister
But I’m only getting sicker and will be til it’s finished
And I continue hoping that we won’t leave this diminished
So many gifts are up to me
Dec 22nd
Electronics are becoming the main type of gift to give someone for Christmas. It makes sense as some of the most wanted items out there are the latest gadgets ranging from GPS units to digital cameras and netbooks to televisions. Each one of us probably craves a gadget or gizmo or two. Unfortunately, not everyone is as interested in them the rest of the year.
It happens more and more, for me. As this time of year rolls around, everyone starts asking me to help them sort through a long list of models to help pick out that right gadget for someone else to receive. Phones, cameras, GPS devices, televisions and so on and so forth are all decided upon by me. Don’t get me wrong, I love helping people find what’s right for the person receiving the gift, but I always feel a certain amount of pressure knowing that my decision can really affect how that person’s Christmas is remembered. Was that camera too complicated or missing features? Is that TV not what they were expecting? Are they going to like that phone’s interface? It’s all up to me and it can be stressful.
Thankfully, the season is almost over. I don’t mind helping, really, I don’t. I just wish it all didn’t feel so crucial.
I’m not physically dead
Nov 19th
I know I haven’t been posting much. Considering some people are wondering if I (and the site) am alive, I thought it would be a good idea to check in fast. Of course this means getting off my lazy ass and typing out thoughts, but I do this work for you.
Work has been really tough. It’s the holidays and I work in retail, so it’s one of those things you just expect. If I was surprised by it, one would have to question where I’ve been for the past 6 years. This is one of those years, though, where the store’s morale is terribly low and it’s really draining on a person over time. On top of that, I’m being tasked with a lot of responsibility that shouldn’t be mine, but I have to accept it to gain the experience so I can move up in the future. It would be a lot easier if other people cooperated, but when you work in retail with 150 other people, you’re bound to come across some of the dimmer bulbs in the box. Unfortunately, these people account for a lot of my stress as I continually have to cover up their mistakes or explain things that should be common knowledge. It can be outright maddening.
Even with that stress and a lack of motivation to write, I’m going to try to post something, at least, once a week. That way we can all enjoy some of the insanity that occurs in my mind.
Fear and aging in NYC
Sep 19th
This is a sensitive subject, but I decided that putting it out there may help me cope a little better.
Recently, I realized my hair is thinning on the crown (back, top) and it’s really starting to stress me out. To be honest, I’ve already reacted and started using Rogaine, with the intent of stopping the thinning, if not growing back some of the lost hair. The only problem here is that you have to continue using the stuff, otherwise any newly grown hair will be lost within a few weeks. This means that I’m probably going to be stuck using the stuff for the rest of my life. I’m only 25. That’s, presumably, a lot of life left ahead.
It’s scary facing an issue like this for two reasons. Beyond the obviously vain reasons that serve as the first half of this equation, just the notion of accepting that I’m no longer 18 and invincible to the world is scary. It’s such a weird thing to look at, especially when I don’t have a set career path or any real idea where I want to go in life. Hair loss? Teeth problems? This is heavy stuff that I’m not sure I’m ready for.
How does everyone else handle growing up and getting old? Does everyone get freaked out by this stuff or am I simply over thinking things?
Normalcy
May 20th
Perhaps, not yet, but it’s the onset of turrets
An impulse from the chest from all I’ve surpressed
It hasn’t caught yet, but it’s under and on breath
The safest place to be is further than arm’s length
Cause the urge ain’t gone yet, it’s completely conceivable
I can feel it seeping through, the surge is unbelievable
I’ll become the evil dude, the one to stay and see it through
And bring nothing but distress when I really should give peace to you
But I am just the least to you, another broken piece to you
A cog beside a wheel that lacks a little grease to you
I shouldn’t have to preach to you or make a fucking reach to you
You should see the work I do and everything it means for you
So, fuck your little reasons dude and fuck these funny feelings
The ones stealing from the picture and leaving portraits peeling
Envy on the floor again while you’re across the ceiling
I should be fucking proud, but I’m lost and fucking reeling
Concealing what I’m feeling and convinced I’m fucking dealing
It simply isn’t logical, this isn’t fucking healing
This feeling is Goliath and I can not be it’s David
I try to force it out again, but it decides to stay in
And every night and day in, the playground that I play in
Is a minefield of my own and not the safest haven
I wish that I could trade in a cloud or two for normalcy
Cause I truly fucking know that there is something wrong with me
Decisions made and confusion cleared
Mar 26th
Well, I’m just a tad bit less stressed out than I was in my last few posts. I’ve had time to think and, after talking things out with Melanie and sorting through the facts, have figured everything out for now.
In terms of the Citi position, I’ll let that play itself out and see what happens. In the mean time, I’ve decided to remain in the new position at work. I’ve already received a raise for it (almost 10%) and will, hopefully, be getting more hours very soon. If I can get 30% – 50% more hours, I’ll be ok and can, possibly, stop the bleeding of money that’s been going on for the past few months.
The key here is that I’m getting more money and I’m a lot less stressed. It just took a while to sort everything out.
I have to find that perfect balance
Mar 24th
I’m stressed and want to vent. If you’re pissed off by what you read, I apologize.
This whole job thing is getting a bit frustrating. After doing a “phone screening” with Citi bank, today, I am now waiting on a branch hiring manager to get in touch with me. While this is good news, in many ways, it also poses a problem: Can I take a job like that knowing that I won’t get to see Melanie more than two days a week, at most?
We’re both at different points in our lives and it’s hard to blend those points together, sometimes. I want to do what’s right for me and make enough money to sustain myself, yet I know, deep in my heart, that I need time with her. Maybe I’m just a stupid kid in love, but it’s what I am.
So, what do I do? I don’t know, to be honest. I’m stressed beyond belief trying to figure this one out. A middle ground solution would be to let the Citi situation play itself out and see if I even get a job offer, but, at the same time, not go back to the position I love at work and stay in the spot I am currently in. I can, probably, work out a pay raise and extra hours from it, though it’d officially be part time and still not like my work.
The problem with that idea is the lack of benefits and I need benefits. I don’t know what to do. My mind is racing a mile a minute and I’m not ready to leave the starting line. I have to figure this gigantic puzzle out and make a major life decision when I’m simply not ready to do so.
I’ve heard your advise. I know what most people will say, so please leave it be. No matter what I choose, people will be pissed off and say I’m wrong. It’s a lose – lose situation and I know it. Lucky me.