Xpression.v2 » sad

First steps of boomeranging

bangbang023 — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 15:41:48 +0000

After my last post about my anxieties of moving and the new financial burdens I felt I would have trouble bearing, my parents reached out to me and offered me the chance to move back home so that I can get myself back on my feet. I consulted with a few people and, after realizing it would be best for me in terms of long term life planning, I agreed. It bummed me out to make the decision, though, and today, it all became a reality as I’ve started to pack up the few boxes I need to get together.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am very appreciative of the opportunity my parents are giving me. After two years of costly dental procedures, I am no where near where I should be, financially. It’s a burden, for sure, but I’ve been able to get by with my current bills. Unfortunately, the increased bills that would have come along with the new apartment would have crippled me rather quickly and I knew I couldn’t live like that. My parents’ generosity offers me a chance to breathe and truly save for my future. A future that is quickly approaching and one that I’m anxious to get to. That doesn’t help some of the depression associated with moving back home, though.

I’m a boomerang kid. That’s the term for someone who moves out of their parents’ house and then moves back in at a later time, usually due to financial difficulties. The stigma bothers me a bit, yeah, but the change that comes along with this move gets to me the most. I love my current apartment and even the new apartment wouldn’t have come close to this place. The apartment, itself, is also closer to work and Melanie which means I can easily walk to work and get to Melanie within an hour. Now, on days the trains aren’t running correctly, I have to figure out how to get to work. Coming home from Staten Island isn’t going to be a picnic either.

Beyond the traveling issues, comes the privacy issue. I love coming home to an often empty apartment and being alone for a little bit. It’s soothing, especially for someone who works in a very busy retail environment. Home isn’t going to be as peaceful. I’m going to be tested on some days, that’s for sure.

I guess all of this amounts to me feeling a little depressed over the situation. I wish I could afford to continue to live on my own, but the truth is that I can’t and my parents are saving me from inevitable debt. It’s a case of logic and emotion. Logically, this all makes complete sense. Emotionally, I may need some time to realize that.

Maid of Tears

bangbang023 — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 00:01:16 +0000

The room turns to black as the spotlight flips on
She hears the song and accepts that this moment is on
But like a bomb in her chest, strength fades til it’s gone
So she looks to the sky, begs and prays to be strong
Cause all along when she pictured it, he would be there
With his courage to share everytime she was scared
Life doesn’t seem fair as she chokes on that air
Cause she feels so alone even though everyone cares
But she quickly prepares and then summons composure
As she walks through the door like the strongest of soldiers
Her world’s feeling colder, but she stuffs it inside
This isn’t for her, not when her cousin’s the bride
And through the dozens of lies that she’s doing okay
She swallows her pride and marches on through the day
But then all of the pain floods it’s way to her brain
The walls fall apart when they reach the refrain
Cause the song hasn’t changed and the words are the same
It was the music of choice that he loved to replay
As they stand in that place on a warm rainy day
She fights through the tears til the last note has played
And then with all of the grace that she’s managed to muster
She accepts the condolence of the people that love her
But deep down inside, all she does is still suffer
She just wants it all back, all with him, not another
Cause the love of a sister, father, mother, or brother
Can not replace the guy that made her heart flutter
Now the ship’s lost it’s rudder, a heart’s turned to rubber
She just wants him back and to hear that he loves her

Notes: I haven’t written in a LONG time, so excuse any rust and roughness around the edges. This is just something that’s been on my mind and I decided to re-tell the story, in a way.

Cloudy View

bangbang023 — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 20:09:56 +0000

I’ve been clouded by the smoke of what’s becoming your obsession
Wind blows in my direction and it blurs out the perfection
This verse is with discretion cause it’s not said with aggression
Just a little means of venting in this rhyming flowing session
My confident confession is it tends to be a turn off
Mixed feelings on the subject and a shortened fuse to burn off
I try to shed concern off, but I don’t have the ability
Without being so dramatic, the images are killing me
The thoughts alone are filling me as I wish it off so willingly
But every ounce of effort leaves the pictures there and still in me
Paranoia’s billing me and I’m running out of wages
Insanity’s contagious and it’s laced across these pages
And through a mind that races, it screws up all the paces
Anxiety is calling and it’s lacking any patience
It really is outrageous to see how it all can get to me
But I’m keeping it all quiet because it’s all been said to me
And every word’s been fed to me, repeated and proclaimed to me
Our polarizing visions of something that’s insane to me
But it’s the way the pain must be to save the greater picture
So, I try to hold it in and then drown it with a mixture
Of thoughts and other pictures and anything that’s richer
The thousand other things that a Misses gives to Mister
But I’m only getting sicker and will be til it’s finished
And I continue hoping that we won’t leave this diminished

Fighter, King, and Singer

bangbang023 — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 03:09:20 +0000

I’m the heavy hearted fighter with too many thoughts inside me
The might be’s and why me’s have come around to bite me
I might need a miracle or a shroud to hide me
Or a fucking answer to the questions that can blind me
They find me, they found me, they come around to drown me
With led inside their knuckles, they beat me down and pound me
Bone to the metal, a hope that was astounding
Beaten by reality that’s bent and used to crown me
As the king of all destruction, the throne on which I fall on
Is built upon the bruises and what I thought was all gone
I’m used to singing your song of hope and inspiration
But I’m bellowing the old tunes of my only devastation
Cause this lowly desecration of everything I worked for
Has become the crowning victor of everything I hurt for
It’s what I use this verse for and what I’ve lost the nerve for
A fighter, king and singer has been broken down at her door
With punches that have lost their weight and legs that only buckle
And a crown that falls to pieces, you can see it fucking crumble
The notes are never magic as I studder and I stumble
All of us are broken down by these fucking knuckles
And as we take our troubles and let them run their courses
I can only pray a little bit that they are greater forces
Forces than can beat me and always rise above
Force that can take away a queen and all this love

Notes: Bear with me people. Trying to work this shit out the best way I know how.

Cheap Suture

bangbang023 — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 23:51:03 +0000

Allow me to brush the dust away from this pen
These words are important, so I play and pretend
The way that I mended and stayed til the end
Now the skill is a blur and it’s faded again
Is it fate that it ends? Or am I being stupid?
Is rhyming out thoughts simply silly and useless
I used to use this to settle my fuses
Now fog settles in and I can’t seem to do this
Cause it used to be music, so calming and soothing
Like waves on a flame when the anger was brooding
The hatred was moving even when I was losing
I thought in these rhymes when awake and when snoozing
But I misconstrued it and took all my bruises
The words were my precious, but left me so putrid
If I wanted hope for a bright sunny future
Why waste all the fuel on a cheap fucking suture?
And now I’m the loser and the stitches have broken
Every word wasted was every word spoken
I told the whole world, I told her and told him
I told you, I told me, I put it in motion
And stirred up commotion and left the door open
I wasted my words like a last drop of potion
And now this explosion might be the last for a while
Cause I wasted it all and behaved like a child

Little Treasure

bangbang023 — Thu, 21 May 2009 16:00:37 +0000

Gonna push this harder than ever, my arm is a lever
To crank out these letters, the art and the clever
The scars are all better, my heart isn’t severed
Though sometimes the mind isn’t always together
The hallways get shredded and all that I’ve dreaded
Floods to the front and I always regret it
When the calm in each sentence waivers and withers
And jumbles the mixture and erases the picture
And I’ll say that I’ve missed her and this is expected
Recollection can drown you if you’re not protected
These dealings of love can be crazy and hectic
Though I try my damn best so I don’t fucking wreck it
Cause this is a record and one proud achievement
Fifteen total months and neither is leaving
I love what we have and I need it like breathing
To fight what I hold when it’s me and the ceiling
Laying there feeling so alone and pathetic
I’m sure millions of people would know it and get it
But that doesn’t end it or make it all better
My battles are mine and I’ll wage them forever
Like lost little treasures that sometimes I dig up
Only I know the loot and sometimes I give up
Fuck sticking chin up cause I’m just too damn tired
That fire has expired and I can’t be the fighter
To spark it all right up, to stand up to a navy
On an ocean of tears that can drive myself crazy
Maybe I’m lazy or perhaps I’m a quitter
Just take what you want so I know what to give her

Never Bought It

bangbang023 — Sat, 16 May 2009 16:48:07 +0000

I hate the happy melodies and actually quite seldomly
Do I ever really smile at the happiness they sell to me
And everyone can yell at me and criticize and judge me
But the sum of all the masses will never move or budge me
I guess it’s just that one thing that I never could connect with
Even more specifically when it takes what makes me desperate
And it’s not much of confession when I say, in fact, I miss her
It really should be obvious when looking at this picture
Cause this fixture of my solace only comes so very rarely
Sometimes I make it well enough and sometimes it’s just barely
And I’m fairly, pretty sure enough that if I didn’t have it
The resulting consequence would be comparatively tragic
I imagine it’d be fun, though, if you crave a little drama
Watching someone fall apart as they lose their pride and honor
But this guy who was a goner has done a hundred eighty
Still, the time apart is tough cause I’m never one for waiting
Standing there and pacing and sitting and observing
Analyzing hands of time can be a bit unnnerving
I wouldn’t call it hurting, but a yearning and a wanting
To quell the loneliness I feel, the one that can be haunting
The one that can be daunting, a little tough to deal with
The feeling that I feel when I wish I didn’t feel it
And the only way to steal it is to put me in presence
The girl who makes it go away and to whom I write this sentence

Stuck in Repair

bangbang023 — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:55:58 +0000

Allow me a moment to not keep it together
Put it all through the shredder and destroy every letter
The only way to get better is to fall to the bottom
Instead of clawing at walls that are built on the problem
Cause I’ll never solve them if my focus is wasted
On a stack of what’s baseless while I’m lacking the patience
The track of this hatred can just burn up a spirit
It’s an addiction I love, though, I know I should fear it
Cause I’m peerless by choice when I’m blinded by redness
I’m destructive and pathetic in every word of the sentence
And while I work in the presence of the sabotage that I cling to
I forget all the stress and the barrage that it brings you
The way that it stings you, clocks your bell and then rings you
And how, when you sleep, it awakes you to ping you
The way that it brings you to the holes that I fell through
Through the tears the I cry and the words that I tell you
But the hurt that I sell you, shouldn’t be up for purchase
It’s mine that I made in this search for a purpose
The rings of this circus have been built by insanity
These thoughts can result in a bit of calamity
An inner self tragedy where burdens are carried
And tied to a soul to which they want to be married
Though if they could be parried, I’d give up the affair
But this luck is unfair and I stay stuck in repair

Notes: It’s been a while since I’ve written anything this fast paced and tied together so well.