Xpression.v2 » love

Disguised By Fear

bangbang023 — Fri, 20 May 2011 00:57:21 +0000

I’m a bit of a mess as I look at these times
There is nothing but stress that weighs down on my mind
I thought I’d be fine as we both crossed the line
“A step to be made” is the bell that we chimed
But as hard as I try to face up to this climb
The challenge still scares me and eats me alive
Cause with you by my side I can see the whole prize
But when you step away it becomes so disguised
Hiding its eyes behind fear and uncertainty
I beg to the sky “oh please won’t you work with me”
Life’s kicking up dirt to me, making it hurt to see
A man who’s much stronger is who I must learn to be
Cause I think I deserve to see a little contentment
A peace down inside to subdue all resentment
This should be an investment and a valuable lesson
But it shakes me to pieces and fills me with tension
It’s the fear, so I’m guessing, that you might not stay with me
It’s stupid and baseless and it makes me feel shitty
With every gift that you give me, you’re sexy and pretty
Without you in my sight, the world is simply so gritty
But we go on with living as we face this together
I admit that I’m scared, but I’ll fight for ‘forever’
Every tie could be severed, I could scratch every letter
As long as you’re with me, I know it gets better.

Whistling and Humming

bangbang023 — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 15:22:39 +0000

This is a conversation that I feel should be avoided
I wish that I was deaf so I could cancel it and void it
Cause right now I’m feeling toyed with and I think I know what’s coming
So I try to drown you out with my whistling and humming
Strumming on my nerves again, the stress can be so cutting
Making me feel stupid, sometimes anything but cunning
While I’m running round in circles, the sadness keeps on budding
And admittedly your apathy can often seem so stunning
As I’m trudging through the trenches, you’re on the concrete running
Never looking back for me, you continue with the shunning
Well, my heart is down and shutting, boarded up and broken
And these words are here for you, they’re your little fucking token
I was open and receptive and I made you all my focus
When the fire kept on dying, it was me who always stoked it
But you asked me for my ticket then you stood there and revoked it
Now this is what I’m left with and instead of feeling hopeless
I will simply stand up proudly and go back inside the flow again
I’ll take this day by day and pray one day you’ll say you know again
But even if it’s no again, I will refuse to fall to pieces
Cause my strength is everlasting, but no pain is ever ceaseless
At least that’s been my thesis but I need someone to teach it
Or someone to open up to me and confirm it when they preach it
Cause I’m sort of feeling sleepless as I do this self convincing
I try to hide my pain from you, I try to hide my wincing

Notes: Not my story

Maid of Tears

bangbang023 — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 00:01:16 +0000

The room turns to black as the spotlight flips on
She hears the song and accepts that this moment is on
But like a bomb in her chest, strength fades til it’s gone
So she looks to the sky, begs and prays to be strong
Cause all along when she pictured it, he would be there
With his courage to share everytime she was scared
Life doesn’t seem fair as she chokes on that air
Cause she feels so alone even though everyone cares
But she quickly prepares and then summons composure
As she walks through the door like the strongest of soldiers
Her world’s feeling colder, but she stuffs it inside
This isn’t for her, not when her cousin’s the bride
And through the dozens of lies that she’s doing okay
She swallows her pride and marches on through the day
But then all of the pain floods it’s way to her brain
The walls fall apart when they reach the refrain
Cause the song hasn’t changed and the words are the same
It was the music of choice that he loved to replay
As they stand in that place on a warm rainy day
She fights through the tears til the last note has played
And then with all of the grace that she’s managed to muster
She accepts the condolence of the people that love her
But deep down inside, all she does is still suffer
She just wants it all back, all with him, not another
Cause the love of a sister, father, mother, or brother
Can not replace the guy that made her heart flutter
Now the ship’s lost it’s rudder, a heart’s turned to rubber
She just wants him back and to hear that he loves her

Notes: I haven’t written in a LONG time, so excuse any rust and roughness around the edges. This is just something that’s been on my mind and I decided to re-tell the story, in a way.

Story of Jafar

bangbang023 — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 17:53:03 +0000

Let me tell you a story and blow it out of proportion
A classical tale flipped around by distortion
I’ll mix in my sound and bounce out a few portions
I’d keep with this rhyming, but every word would be forced in
So, proceeding with caution, I beg you to have patience
You can call me Jafar, so villainous with my hatred
As ink spills on these pages, you’ll come across this Aladdin
And discover the story of how he took away Jasmine
See, love is my passion and it can make me feel shakey
Hell, it could turn any person from sane to just crazy
But the princess was mine and I cherished it, baby
Naivety soon left everything feeling shady
Because, she told me that lately, this Aladdin had found her
She breathed him in and enjoyed how he drowned her
I couldn’t believe it, but I can still see the pictures
It disgusts me to see how this bullshit just hits her
And suddenly fissures of hate break my patience
He blurs out her beauty, he’s leaving her faceless
Like the rarest of fruit that suddenly becomes tasteless
I’m lost for the words to be said that can save this
And consumed by this hatred that I have for Aladdin
I wish he was here, so I could take him and grab him
Like a brick through a window, take a knife and just stab him
Watch the flames I create as they burn him and bag him
But, as I turn to Jasmine, with these wishes and day dreams
My vision is blurred, but I don’t think she’ll save me
Sometimes bad guys are born not by their own human nature
But by the princess they love and the things that can take her

Notes: No need to remind me that I haven’t posted in two months. This was born out of my own personal need to vent and talk about it with myself, at least.

The perfect couple

bangbang023 — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 22:25:32 +0000

While it mostly comes from Melanie’s girl friends, I’m still surprised by the number of people who think we are the perfect couple. Don’t get me wrong, I think we’re a great couple, but we fight and disagree and go through the same things many other couples go through. We’re not perfect people and effort is required to keep the relationship going just as with anyone else’s relationship. Yet, we’re perfect.

Then we have my sister and my roommate. In my eyes, THEY were always the perfect couple. I was amazed to hear, when talking to my sister, that they fought just like Melanie and I do. It’s actually eerie to hear how many of the arguments are the same even if the people involved are completely different. The perfect couple, in my eyes, was the same as Melanie and I. Wow.

I started thinking and I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone knows a couple that they see as “the perfect couple”. That couple never seems to fight and, probably, appears to be the epitome of love. Behind closed doors, though, I bet they’re just like the rest of us. They fight and disagree and have those moments where they want to throw each other down a flight of stairs. We all have those moments, yet, everyone’s in love.

So, you know what? Melanie and I are the perfect couple. Hell, my sister and my roomie are the perfect couple, too. I think any couple that can go above that crush stage and make each other happy a majority of the time is, in fact, the perfect couple. This isn’t the movies. This isn’t TV. Some fights are stupid, some are nasty, and some are for the sake of fighting, but it never lasts long, cause there’s always that love. I love her. She loves me. Yeah, we’re perfect.

Fighter, King, and Singer

bangbang023 — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 03:09:20 +0000

I’m the heavy hearted fighter with too many thoughts inside me
The might be’s and why me’s have come around to bite me
I might need a miracle or a shroud to hide me
Or a fucking answer to the questions that can blind me
They find me, they found me, they come around to drown me
With led inside their knuckles, they beat me down and pound me
Bone to the metal, a hope that was astounding
Beaten by reality that’s bent and used to crown me
As the king of all destruction, the throne on which I fall on
Is built upon the bruises and what I thought was all gone
I’m used to singing your song of hope and inspiration
But I’m bellowing the old tunes of my only devastation
Cause this lowly desecration of everything I worked for
Has become the crowning victor of everything I hurt for
It’s what I use this verse for and what I’ve lost the nerve for
A fighter, king and singer has been broken down at her door
With punches that have lost their weight and legs that only buckle
And a crown that falls to pieces, you can see it fucking crumble
The notes are never magic as I studder and I stumble
All of us are broken down by these fucking knuckles
And as we take our troubles and let them run their courses
I can only pray a little bit that they are greater forces
Forces than can beat me and always rise above
Force that can take away a queen and all this love

Notes: Bear with me people. Trying to work this shit out the best way I know how.

Letters in Lessons

bangbang023 — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:29:12 +0000

This is the moment that I’ve dreaded, but I know I have to face it
With humility and patience as we crawl across these pages
With the walls of all these faces that contribute conversation
We can choose to lock them out or make them our congregation
With a little moderation and this truth intoxication
Perhaps your doubts can fall from their stool of domination
I hate their every whisper, but for you I’ll sit and take them
Your words are fucking brutal, but I’m cool to fucking face them
And I’m sorry for the swearing and the times I was complacent
I felt this love was wasted if I didn’t show this patience
But a little too much patience can make everything seem tasteless
And you see me in the greyness with the nothing I’ve been laced with
And you begin to grow to hate this and question its correctness
Maybe nothing can be right if we’re never fucking wreckless
Cause if every other sentence is collected from generics
Then is anything, at all, capable of being cherished?
But if everything should perish, then I need to send this message
A hundred of these letters put together in this lesson
It’s not about obsession or being or possession
It’s all about just knowing when everybody else is guessin’
And I guess that’s just my lesson, the fact that I still know it
That I love you more than ever, even when I fail to show it
My heart is racing rapidly and I don’t know how to slow it
We can race across the finish or sit back as we both grow it

Notes: Just clearing my mind. Wanted it to be longer, but it would have trailed off.

Another year has passed

bangbang023 — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 01:43:18 +0000

So, another year is almost complete and it’s been another interesting one for me. While 2008 was all about my love life and finding that happiness that has carried me since finding it, 2009 has been about advancing my career.

It’s been a long year at work. I started off as part time in Merch, but then quickly jumped over to part time SWAT (counting product) for the extra money and promise of a full time opening. The full time spot never materialized, unfortunately, and I quickly learned how miserable I was in the job and really started to fall off the radar. Thankfully, right before the new management came in, a full time Merch spot opening and, after some convincing, I was given the spot. It’s been stressful and tiring and the source of plenty of minor injuries, but it’s all been worth it. As I said not too long ago, I actually like my job.

I have a feeling that 2010 will continue my focus on work. I want to move up and I really need the extra money that comes along with it, so I have to keep working for it. There are a few minor goals that I’m considering, such as getting my driver’s license, but nothing is set in stone and I hate planning that far in advance.

Anyone else have their goals or focuses set up for the upcoming year?