Posts tagged journal

While some may cheer wildly, I’ve really been thoughtless lately and, thus, haven’t had much to say. I feel so drained and brain dead.

Work has been chaotic, to say the least. As a result of one person changing departments and two people quitting, I am now the saleman in Home Theater who has been there the longest. It’s an interesting change in pace as I’m quikly becoming one of those “go to” guys when questions arise. While it’s nice and definitely adds security to my job, it means more stress for the same pay. The good thing is the timing, though. My review is right around the corner and with my value to the department increasing, so may the raise I receive. I do work for the money, afterall. We’ll see what happens. Worse comes to worse, I’ll burn the place down.

C.C.D. has finally started and I’m loving it. I have a really good class with some excellent students so teaching is easier and more fun. It’s still early and I know there will be bad days, but I love teaching and I’m just happy to be back in the classroom.

While I’m not going into extreme detail, the love life has been perculating a little. While Maria and I aren’t moving any closer, Alyssa has popped up again. Each time she appears, she’s a little less “crazy” than before and I finally find myself enjoying our phone conversations. Of course, if she does the usual, she’ll vanish next week and that will be it for 3 months, but hey, it never hurts to try. At least I know I’ll piss a few people off just by mentioning her name (haha).

To close it off, last week, another wonderful Neowin member tried flaming me repeatedly for working at Best Buy. I almost got upset, then, I realized that I have a job and I have a certain amount of power in my position. What’s to be ashamed of? Nothing, so I simply laugh at his pathetic attempts now. I love you too, buddy.

Today has been one of those days that just fucking suck. I wake up and have to go to Regina for the Catechist initation mass and meeting afterwards. Nothing has changed in that damn place. A minute before the mass starts, they finally begin planning things. Are you kidding me!? To make things even better, they accomplished nothing so the whole ceremony was filled with awkward silence and riddled with misexecution. When Zeni is the one exhibiting the most common sense, you know you’re fucked. You could throw a fat kid down a hill and have more order than was shown at this mass.

Then, we have the freaking meeting. After offending my taste buds and stomach with some of the worst food I’ve ever tasted, we sit down for an hour and a half of this woman basically saying “I don’t know what the fuck is going on”. The program starts up in three days and nothing is set in stone!? Are you kidding me?! What have you done all summer?! She should be forced to eat all those shitty sandwiches.

Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse, my damn PC surround sound system just fucking blew out. I heard the click of it power off and that was it. Gone. AHHHHHHHHHH!!! I was all set on not spending any unneccessary money this month and now I just had to throw $160 at Newegg so I can get a new system sent to me. It’s not even the system I wanted to get eventually. Why not? Cause I can’t fucking afford it for about another 3 months or so.

It’s as though God thinks I had too good of a time yesterday. That’s the only explanation. My luck couldn’t be this bad so it has to be intentional. At least tomorrow, I’ll get to relax……at work! Ughhh! I could go on cursing for another 3 hours, but I’ll end it here.

After my school girl like shrieks about the Staind show, I figured I’d come back with some more coherent thoughts. I’m just nice like that.

So, it’s been a week/month/two months from hell. The stress levels keep on rising and I’m really starting to feel the toll, both mentally and physically. My thoughts are all clouded, I’m running low on energy, and I have had some bad back pain resulting from things I have to do at work.

Work has just been hectic. Who is having their job threatened, who has managers trying to pull them out of Home Theater, and so on and so forth. It’s hard to meet your financial goals when half the department is depressed or pissed off at the management. I try to let them vent on me, as always and do my best to ge tthem to level off a bit, but it’s draining on me, too. At times, I just want to sit the managers down and yell “What the fuck are you morons doing out there!?”. I’ve never seen such poor leadership in my life and this is coming from someone who’s current pastor is a complete idiot.

On top of that, I’m trying to sorely balance other people’s lives and help them through various problems while I get no help in return. It’s hard when no one I know has the true ability to listen to me. Add to that the fact that I’m very picky about who I’ll talk to and I basically have no one to hear me speak. I tried talking to Maria, but she lacks any and all capacity to listen and, well, not laugh at everything. I’m not mad at her for it, but just feel a little left out in the cold after I’ve been there for her so often. I don’t need the answers to my problems; I just need her not to laugh. I’m just picky like that.

This Staind concert is something I’m really grateful for. It’ll be a temporary escape that, I hope, will allow me to sweat/headbang/scream some of this damned stress away. I need something, afterall. I’ve been too miserable to not need it.

I had no idea today was the 11th. I thought it was the 10th.

It’s already been four years since September 11th. Can you believe how quickly time flies? It seems as though, just yesterday, I was about to go to school when I heard the news report. I remember still thinking I’d go to school until my mom told me she didn’t want me riding the subway. I kept watching and realized how chaotic things were and, for whatever reason, thought that I should go down to Regina and help out in the school. I don’t think I was able to do much other than run messages up and down the floors, but I’ll never forget the eery calm that overcame the building that was, almost suddenly, broken by the panic of parents thinking their children were next. Did they really think terrorists were going to bomb a school of 125 children? I was so cynical of that back then, but now, maybe I understand it a bit more. Afterall, we all stop thinking when paranoia and chaos set in.

Honestly, I’m not going to say this is worse than the tragic loss of life and property from such things as the December tsunami and Hurricane Katrina, but, you have to be a New Yorker to fully grasp just how mind blowing it is. The World Trade Centers were a symbol of our dominance and importance. They were strong and stood tall and defined our city, along with the Empire State Building. Then, right before our eyes, they crumbled down with the thousands of people inside and the thousands fleeing on the streets below. The dust cloud settled and that was it. All gone. Just like that.

Before they fell, my dad was unfortunate enough to witness people jumping from the towers. Can you imagine that? In the movies, you never see them hit the ground; they just fade into the darkness. This wasn’t a movie, though. No one could yell “cut” and stop it all.

After all that, it’s amazing how our lives have changed. Sure, we have our government, local and federal, investing a lot more time and money into the prevention of future attacks and all, but what about us? I can’t believe how different I am now, how much I’ve grown. My life is still a mess. I have a shitty job and only work it 3 days a week. I’m 21 and have no real idea what I’m doing in life. Yet, I’ve grown a lot since then. I have a better handle on reality, now. I’d like to think my writing has something to do with that. Four years already? Wow, we grow in a flash.