Posts tagged friends

Fuse of Friendship

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I’ve grown tired of the silence so it’s time to set off sirens
I mostly play it passive but sometimes I like the violence
Cause deep behind my eyelids there’s a place just like an island
With a fuse forever burning and a fuse you’re losing time with
I’ve done my best to try this but now I’m losing patience
Like a doctor with a scalpel he’s made a few mistakes with
But I just refuse to take this and even if it’s baseless
I’m declaring it all over and erasing all the traces
Say goodbye to all the braces and all supporting structures
This fire’s burned the bridge and I’m barely feeling flustered
There’s comfort in conclusions and though I feel disgusted
Apathy is dead ahead; it’s what I’ve always trusted
Though I wish we had discussed it or even talked a little
A friendship is deserving of a chance to walk the middle
To toe the line of reasoning and balance out existence
To be forever stupified but do it with persistance
But through silent bred insistance, you brought this to a finish
It’s hidden from the orange sun and simply out of spinach
I mean the fuel has been exhausted and there’s really nothing in this
So it’s time to say goodbye now and forgo the chance to fix it
And I hope I have your interest though I never want to mend this
It’s just a simple letter and the medium it’s sent with
Cause it’s like the little period at the end of every sentence
This is the end to everything we used to know as friendship

Adjusting to Leadership

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I’ve been a supervisor, officially, for two weeks, now, and I’m still going through growing pains. I have two main issues that I know I need to deal with before I go insane: My desire to do it all myself and my never ending fear of failure.

No matter what the environment may be, when you become a leader, you need to learn delegation skills. While I understand the process, I also have this natural instinct to want to do everything myself. In my case, I wound up selling WAY too much in the first week on the job. I became so engrossed in the selling, that I really felt like the numbers were solely up to me and my sales. It was exhausting and, honestly, I’m glad I was able to notice the issue before I drove myself too crazy so quickly. I don’t want my employees to think I’m running from the work, but I know I can’t do it all and need to be smart about delegating things in the future.

My other problem is something I’ve dealt with for all of my life: An absolute fear of failing. We can dive deep into the psychology of why I fear failure so much, but there’s no point. In reality, I don’t feel joy whenever I succeed. Instead, I feel relief that I didn’t fail. Obviously, the feeling isn’t all that enjoyable. As I work to turn around a department that has lagged behind the pack for a long time, I find myself freaking out over every little set back. I guess part of me expects to be able to fix the problems over night. Another part of me, when that doesn’t happen, sends itself into a panic and brings me with it. I know it’s not healthy and I need to figure out what an acceptable rate of improvement is because, otherwise, I’m going to wind up in a straight jacket. I just really don’t want to fail at this. I took a big risk by staying with this company for as long as I have and I know this is my one chance to prove I can do it and move further up the ladder. Failure would ruin all of that.

My friends at work have been great in getting me through this all, though. When I’m lost in the numbers or freaking over a set back, it’s nice to have people around me who are funny and intelligent and able to make me laugh or distract me. For a guy who used to shy away from people, I’ve become really reliant on those around me for that all important mental relief.

How my brain handles a promotion at work

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Most people, when receiving a promotion at work, are ecstatic and bask in the feeling of success. I don’t do that. Up until I met up with Melanie, yesterday, I actually exhausted myself thinking through every scenario in which I can fail. Welcome to my mind.

Let me catch everyone up to the present. Last Friday, I interviewed for the new Gaming Supervisor spot at work. This is a position created by the company as they turn their focus to Gamestop and Walmart in an attempt to become the #1 gaming retailer in the U.S. Part of that drive means having leadership and employees dedicated solely to the department and so, when the position was made available, I applied. I love games and I want to move up. It kind of made sense to go for it.

Yesterday, I was told that I would be receiving an offer for the job. Immediately, my emotions were very bitter sweet, with way more bitterness than sweetness. I felt bad for a few co-workers who also went for the spot and would have been just as good of a fit for it. They’re my friends and I, of course, want success for them. It wasn’t pleasant seeing the disappointment in their faces. I know most people will tell me that I have to look out for myself, but it still bothered me. On top of that, I started panicking about all the ways I can screw this up and fail miserably. It’s damn exhausting to think like that and, as today winds down and I’ve spent most of it thinking of the same things, I’m exhausted yet again.

The biggest challenge, though, is going to be heading back to the sales floor. I have become very comfortable in my now former role. I’ve worked only mornings, knew almost every thing there is to know for a person in that position, and got to spend a lot of time with Melanie. Now, as I move back to the sales floor, my schedule will vary wildly and time with Melanie is going to be limited. On top of that, I have never been a supervisor before and I haven’t been on the sales floor in four years. What the hell were these people thinking picking me?! Life is about to get very different.

At the end of the day, honestly speaking, it’s just my fear of change and failure that’s crippling me. Logically, I can see how silly it is to think like this, but that doesn’t change the fact that the thoughts creep in and make me want to run and hide. I hope I can conquer the negativity and, ultimately, succeed at this new job as well as I have in the role I’m leaving. I’m so used to being one of the best, that the thought of falling behind the pack is very scary and not something I want to have to deal with.

Moving and it’s inherent stresses

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For those of you who never ever listen to me or read my Facebook or follow me on Twitter or happen to walk by me on the streets, I’ll be moving out at the end of the month. My roommates are moving back to Queens and there’s no way I can afford my current place on my own or with only one other roommate.

After talking to my best friend Joe, we decided this would be the best time for us to get a place together. We’ve talked about it for years and the timing never worked out. Even now, though, the timing isn’t perfect. He’s stuck in a lease until July and I have to be out by the end of the month. How’s this going to work? It wouldn’t if it weren’t for my parents stepping up and helping me out.

To be frank, I don’t make all that much at my current job and money is always tight. With my share of the rent going up and already threatening to stretch me a bit thin, there was no way I could afford the entire rent for 3 months. My dad came to the rescue, though, and offered to help me out by covering Joe’s share of the rent until Joe moved in. If you just said “wow” to yourself, don’t worry, so did I. It’s a ridiculously nice gesture that I wish I knew how to show appreciation for. Add to that the constant support from my mom and you can see why I love my parents.

It’s still going to be tough until Joe moves in. I’ll have to cover the electric bill, gas bill, and cable bill (the worst of them all) by myself and I’m already freaking out. Money just scares me to death and I dread financially difficult times. I’m going to be super stressed out for the next few months because of it, but it’s something that has to be dealt with.

I’m not sure there was much of a point to this post other than me venting. I can’t write a rhyme about this stuff, but getting it out in words still helps a lot. Thanks to everyone for their continued support and patience in listening to me whine all day long.

The perfect couple

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While it mostly comes from Melanie’s girl friends, I’m still surprised by the number of people who think we are the perfect couple. Don’t get me wrong, I think we’re a great couple, but we fight and disagree and go through the same things many other couples go through. We’re not perfect people and effort is required to keep the relationship going just as with anyone else’s relationship. Yet, we’re perfect.

Then we have my sister and my roommate. In my eyes, THEY were always the perfect couple. I was amazed to hear, when talking to my sister, that they fought just like Melanie and I do. It’s actually eerie to hear how many of the arguments are the same even if the people involved are completely different. The perfect couple, in my eyes, was the same as Melanie and I. Wow.

I started thinking and I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone knows a couple that they see as “the perfect couple”. That couple never seems to fight and, probably, appears to be the epitome of love. Behind closed doors, though, I bet they’re just like the rest of us. They fight and disagree and have those moments where they want to throw each other down a flight of stairs. We all have those moments, yet, everyone’s in love.

So, you know what? Melanie and I are the perfect couple. Hell, my sister and my roomie are the perfect couple, too. I think any couple that can go above that crush stage and make each other happy a majority of the time is, in fact, the perfect couple. This isn’t the movies. This isn’t TV. Some fights are stupid, some are nasty, and some are for the sake of fighting, but it never lasts long, cause there’s always that love. I love her. She loves me. Yeah, we’re perfect.

Always quality over quantity

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It’s been a few days since I’ve checked in and I promise I won’t be returning to those extended periods of silence. Something came up, however, and I had to deal with it and the process was very exhausting.

I’ve realized, lately, the importance of friends. I know I’ve always been a bit more introverted than the usual person, but I’ve been coming out of my shell over the past years and having good people around you is key to remaining stable and happy. I guess a lot of it comes down to the relationship I have with Melanie. To be in a relationship, you have to open up and she cracked me a peanut. The rest just comes with the territory, I guess.

High school is a lot like Myspace. The number of friends you have always seems like a big deal and people go for as many friends as possible. There’s always exceptions, but I know most people, when I were in high school, called way too many people their “friends” when they were really just acquaintances, at best. I was no different. Even in my shy and loner ways, I tried to be everybody’s friend and desperately tried to add to that total number. I kept a lot of people around and in my life when all they did was take from it. Things have changed, though.

I’m the first to admit that I don’t have many friends. I’m just not that guy. The few friends I do have, however, I appreciate more and more as time goes on. I’m not going to mention names because I’m sure some people will feel excluded and throw a hissy fit for no reason, but if you’re my friend, thank you. You guys have been immensely helpful as I go through my 20′s and I’d be much crazier if you all weren’t around to keep me in check. Forget dozens or hundreds of friends, I only need a select few good ones and you all fit that bill so well.

Another disappointment and another shock

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Today was a little rough at work. I came in, as I would any other morning, and began working with my co-worker who had been scheduled along side me. I really didn’t expect anything out of the ordinary to happen. Hell, we even got to work on a planogram, which we haven’t been able to do in months, so I was feeling pretty good about things. Towards the end of the work, the GM came over and asked if he could borrow my co-worker for a few minutes and he’d have him right back. Who am I to say no to the GM? I didn’t think anything of it and went on with my work. That’s when things changed.

About an hour later, I went on my lunch break. After calling Melanie quickly and getting something to eat, I realized my co-worker never came back and texted him to ask him if he went home or if the GM had killed him (jokingly). Not more than two minutes later, I find out he was led out in handcuffs with a police escort. I have no idea what he’s accused of doing, but considering the people who were in the building today, they obviously think it’s something serious. A guy I worked with for 4 years and really grew to trust was now nothing but a common criminal who lied to me and everyone around us. Damn.

I really hope I’m not being too dramatic about all of this. I just feel really shocked by this and extremely disappointed in this guy. The world can really let you down sometimes.

Why I love video games

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A lot of people like video games just as much as I do, but sometimes I feel like we all get a bad rap for it. I can’t speak for anyone else, but the biggest thing for me is the competitive spirit behind games, especially with online play being in the picture.

When I was younger (mid to late teens), I would play all kinds of sports all day long with Joe. I have no idea where I found the energy, but I had it and I used it to get out all of that wonderful alpha-male nonsense that teenagers go through. It wasn’t all because of my age, though. I like the feeling of winning and the work required to get there. I don’t like rubbing it in the loser’s face like some people, but that feeling of accomplishment is something I treasure. Growing up got in the way of that.

Now that all of us are older and don’t have much time to go out and play sports all day long, I often find my desire for competition unfulfilled. Video games help quench that thirst, though. Granted, I’d still rather be on the field or at the park, but it’s a great secondary means of satisfying a need that I feel I may always have with me. I love games for that.

I do wonder why other people like video games so much, though. Is it the competition? Is it the social aspect?

Miss those days of play

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I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately and I really miss those days of playing outside for hours on end with Joe. Life was so much easier back then and, yet, so much more exciting.

We tended to focus on three different sports: basketball, baseball, and frisbee. Basketball was the most competitive. Heading to the park to play 4 or 5 or sometimes even 7 games. More often than not, Joe won because I was simply over powered, but it was a damn exciting time getting out the competitive bug.

Baseball was our most relaxed sport. We mostly just had a catch every so often and then, once baseball season started, we’d play every day until our elbows hurt from over extending ourselves. Boys being boys.

Frisbee was an odd obsession that became crazy because of our spin on it. We were slightly obsessed for that one year. Every single day we’d be out there trying to break our own record of consecutive catches. It started with 17 and wound up at 420 on April 20th. No joking. It was fun to watch, too, as a few neighbors would spend some of their time just sitting there and watching us fling this plastic disc back and forth as we ran into and over cars trying to catch it.

I miss those days. I want to go outside and chase a frisbee because I want to prove to myself that I’m better than I was yesterday.

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