Xpression.v2 » confused

Do Me a Favor

bangbang023 — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 23:23:15 +0000

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I think I’m going crazy
Looking out the window at a world that has betrayed me
I hate to ask for favors, but I wish someone would save me
And piece me back together before I finish breaking
It’s a little much for taking, but I can’t help with the shaking
I feel a little nervous as I look at what I’m facing
For some it’s kind of normal, but these footsteps that I’m racing
Are eating at my mind like they love what they’ve been tasting
As I’m pacing back and forth again, burning through my energy
I’m warden of this prison, the one to which I sentence me
Though, everything’s been said to me to help me find composure
In this poker game we’re playing, I’m the ever falling folder
Cause I’m older, but not wiser. Not stronger and not bolder
The temperatures may rise, but the stress will keep colder
I let fear control my state of mind like it’s some super soldier
There’s courage somewhere out there, but I am not it’s holder
Cause there’s fear upon my shoulder and panic in my chest again
Negativity’s the frame of mind with which I am now friends again
I miss the old “remember when” and days of no more worries
I’ve turned this to a blizzard when it really should be flurries
So, if you’ll do the favor then please won’t you fucking hurry
Make everything all better now and rid me of this worry
Nobody has betrayed me, but it’s easier to play that game
While looking out the window and praying that I’m not insane.

No Water Colors

bangbang023 — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 01:57:06 +0000

I think I hit my head and it’s making me go crazy
It makes me want to say things and whine just like a baby
I don’t think the world can save me, though, only fucking break me
Cause everytime we interact it’s like you want to train me
To be a different person and re-arrange the facing
To split a strand of D.N.A. and get to re-creating
It’s like nobody’s happy with the image I’m displaying
They’re always fucking bitching and then they start complaining
And I’m losing in refraining, my nerves are left here straining
I’m looking for some patience, but patience has been waning
The picture that you’re painting is not what’s in the making
So, fucking stop debating because every word is staining me
Now, everything is gray to me all from the words you say to me
You detail every failure; I’d rather it be vague to me
Because it seems insane to me to be the one you crave in me
A dozen different people with an image that they say to be
And every one is painting me to be something I’d hate to be
I’m starting to get lost and still none of you are saving me
Cause even when it’s plain to see that all the stress is breaking me
You keep picking up the pieces and patch me up, they’re taped to me
But the glue is waivering and those pieces get to falling
I’m delaying conversations because I feel much safer stalling
Looking for a calling that could be the lotto drawing
Deliver me a freedom that I can’t get while I’m crawling
So, I’m scrawling these words down until I get those numbers
‘Til I shove them in your face and make you see the wonders
This isn’t water color and I can’t be hidden easily
So, let me be myself and then I’ll find my “need to be”

Story of Jafar

bangbang023 — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 17:53:03 +0000

Let me tell you a story and blow it out of proportion
A classical tale flipped around by distortion
I’ll mix in my sound and bounce out a few portions
I’d keep with this rhyming, but every word would be forced in
So, proceeding with caution, I beg you to have patience
You can call me Jafar, so villainous with my hatred
As ink spills on these pages, you’ll come across this Aladdin
And discover the story of how he took away Jasmine
See, love is my passion and it can make me feel shakey
Hell, it could turn any person from sane to just crazy
But the princess was mine and I cherished it, baby
Naivety soon left everything feeling shady
Because, she told me that lately, this Aladdin had found her
She breathed him in and enjoyed how he drowned her
I couldn’t believe it, but I can still see the pictures
It disgusts me to see how this bullshit just hits her
And suddenly fissures of hate break my patience
He blurs out her beauty, he’s leaving her faceless
Like the rarest of fruit that suddenly becomes tasteless
I’m lost for the words to be said that can save this
And consumed by this hatred that I have for Aladdin
I wish he was here, so I could take him and grab him
Like a brick through a window, take a knife and just stab him
Watch the flames I create as they burn him and bag him
But, as I turn to Jasmine, with these wishes and day dreams
My vision is blurred, but I don’t think she’ll save me
Sometimes bad guys are born not by their own human nature
But by the princess they love and the things that can take her

Notes: No need to remind me that I haven’t posted in two months. This was born out of my own personal need to vent and talk about it with myself, at least.

Cloudy View

bangbang023 — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 20:09:56 +0000

I’ve been clouded by the smoke of what’s becoming your obsession
Wind blows in my direction and it blurs out the perfection
This verse is with discretion cause it’s not said with aggression
Just a little means of venting in this rhyming flowing session
My confident confession is it tends to be a turn off
Mixed feelings on the subject and a shortened fuse to burn off
I try to shed concern off, but I don’t have the ability
Without being so dramatic, the images are killing me
The thoughts alone are filling me as I wish it off so willingly
But every ounce of effort leaves the pictures there and still in me
Paranoia’s billing me and I’m running out of wages
Insanity’s contagious and it’s laced across these pages
And through a mind that races, it screws up all the paces
Anxiety is calling and it’s lacking any patience
It really is outrageous to see how it all can get to me
But I’m keeping it all quiet because it’s all been said to me
And every word’s been fed to me, repeated and proclaimed to me
Our polarizing visions of something that’s insane to me
But it’s the way the pain must be to save the greater picture
So, I try to hold it in and then drown it with a mixture
Of thoughts and other pictures and anything that’s richer
The thousand other things that a Misses gives to Mister
But I’m only getting sicker and will be til it’s finished
And I continue hoping that we won’t leave this diminished

Fighter, King, and Singer

bangbang023 — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 03:09:20 +0000

I’m the heavy hearted fighter with too many thoughts inside me
The might be’s and why me’s have come around to bite me
I might need a miracle or a shroud to hide me
Or a fucking answer to the questions that can blind me
They find me, they found me, they come around to drown me
With led inside their knuckles, they beat me down and pound me
Bone to the metal, a hope that was astounding
Beaten by reality that’s bent and used to crown me
As the king of all destruction, the throne on which I fall on
Is built upon the bruises and what I thought was all gone
I’m used to singing your song of hope and inspiration
But I’m bellowing the old tunes of my only devastation
Cause this lowly desecration of everything I worked for
Has become the crowning victor of everything I hurt for
It’s what I use this verse for and what I’ve lost the nerve for
A fighter, king and singer has been broken down at her door
With punches that have lost their weight and legs that only buckle
And a crown that falls to pieces, you can see it fucking crumble
The notes are never magic as I studder and I stumble
All of us are broken down by these fucking knuckles
And as we take our troubles and let them run their courses
I can only pray a little bit that they are greater forces
Forces than can beat me and always rise above
Force that can take away a queen and all this love

Notes: Bear with me people. Trying to work this shit out the best way I know how.

Letters in Lessons

bangbang023 — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:29:12 +0000

This is the moment that I’ve dreaded, but I know I have to face it
With humility and patience as we crawl across these pages
With the walls of all these faces that contribute conversation
We can choose to lock them out or make them our congregation
With a little moderation and this truth intoxication
Perhaps your doubts can fall from their stool of domination
I hate their every whisper, but for you I’ll sit and take them
Your words are fucking brutal, but I’m cool to fucking face them
And I’m sorry for the swearing and the times I was complacent
I felt this love was wasted if I didn’t show this patience
But a little too much patience can make everything seem tasteless
And you see me in the greyness with the nothing I’ve been laced with
And you begin to grow to hate this and question its correctness
Maybe nothing can be right if we’re never fucking wreckless
Cause if every other sentence is collected from generics
Then is anything, at all, capable of being cherished?
But if everything should perish, then I need to send this message
A hundred of these letters put together in this lesson
It’s not about obsession or being or possession
It’s all about just knowing when everybody else is guessin’
And I guess that’s just my lesson, the fact that I still know it
That I love you more than ever, even when I fail to show it
My heart is racing rapidly and I don’t know how to slow it
We can race across the finish or sit back as we both grow it

Notes: Just clearing my mind. Wanted it to be longer, but it would have trailed off.

Limitations of such a small site

bangbang023 — Thu, 28 May 2009 21:12:33 +0000

I’m a guy who loves to voice his opinion about everything. That’s really not a secret. Surprisingly enough, though, not only do I enjoy doing it, but people seem to be entertained by what I have to say. Whether it be people at work or visitors to Neowin, people always seem to react to my opinions because I like to dress them up and put on a show. That’s what this site is supposed to be about. A whole place dedicated to my opinions and thoughts and emotions. The problem is that nobody really knows this place exists.

This is all stemming from recent discussions about Neowin and my last Bang On column which was posted exclusively on this site for the first time. It made sense, after leaving Neowin, to keep going with my more popular work and try to draw more visitors to my neck of the woods. It didn’t really work out as I had hoped and there was only an insignificant bump in numbers for a day or two. It was really disheartening.

I’m at a crossroads with all of this. The more I think about it, the more I feel as though it’s impossible to mix my interests and thoughts on technology and my personal life on one site. Most people don’t want to read my poems or journals and the few people who do are probably not interested in any techno babble. I can try to cram it all together and keep failing or I can figure out a better solution. Unfortunately, besides creating a second site and draining myself creatively, I have nothing.

For the few of you who do visit: Any ideas? I want to make it work and I want to include more tech talk here, but how do I mix the two worlds without alienating either one? I was considering, for starters, creating a “Tech Talk” category. Good?

Little Treasure

bangbang023 — Thu, 21 May 2009 16:00:37 +0000

Gonna push this harder than ever, my arm is a lever
To crank out these letters, the art and the clever
The scars are all better, my heart isn’t severed
Though sometimes the mind isn’t always together
The hallways get shredded and all that I’ve dreaded
Floods to the front and I always regret it
When the calm in each sentence waivers and withers
And jumbles the mixture and erases the picture
And I’ll say that I’ve missed her and this is expected
Recollection can drown you if you’re not protected
These dealings of love can be crazy and hectic
Though I try my damn best so I don’t fucking wreck it
Cause this is a record and one proud achievement
Fifteen total months and neither is leaving
I love what we have and I need it like breathing
To fight what I hold when it’s me and the ceiling
Laying there feeling so alone and pathetic
I’m sure millions of people would know it and get it
But that doesn’t end it or make it all better
My battles are mine and I’ll wage them forever
Like lost little treasures that sometimes I dig up
Only I know the loot and sometimes I give up
Fuck sticking chin up cause I’m just too damn tired
That fire has expired and I can’t be the fighter
To spark it all right up, to stand up to a navy
On an ocean of tears that can drive myself crazy
Maybe I’m lazy or perhaps I’m a quitter
Just take what you want so I know what to give her

Normalcy

bangbang023 — Wed, 20 May 2009 16:00:49 +0000

Perhaps, not yet, but it’s the onset of turrets
An impulse from the chest from all I’ve surpressed
It hasn’t caught yet, but it’s under and on breath
The safest place to be is further than arm’s length
Cause the urge ain’t gone yet, it’s completely conceivable
I can feel it seeping through, the surge is unbelievable
I’ll become the evil dude, the one to stay and see it through
And bring nothing but distress when I really should give peace to you
But I am just the least to you, another broken piece to you
A cog beside a wheel that lacks a little grease to you
I shouldn’t have to preach to you or make a fucking reach to you
You should see the work I do and everything it means for you
So, fuck your little reasons dude and fuck these funny feelings
The ones stealing from the picture and leaving portraits peeling
Envy on the floor again while you’re across the ceiling
I should be fucking proud, but I’m lost and fucking reeling
Concealing what I’m feeling and convinced I’m fucking dealing
It simply isn’t logical, this isn’t fucking healing
This feeling is Goliath and I can not be it’s David
I try to force it out again, but it decides to stay in
And every night and day in, the playground that I play in
Is a minefield of my own and not the safest haven
I wish that I could trade in a cloud or two for normalcy
Cause I truly fucking know that there is something wrong with me

Stuck in Repair

bangbang023 — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:55:58 +0000

Allow me a moment to not keep it together
Put it all through the shredder and destroy every letter
The only way to get better is to fall to the bottom
Instead of clawing at walls that are built on the problem
Cause I’ll never solve them if my focus is wasted
On a stack of what’s baseless while I’m lacking the patience
The track of this hatred can just burn up a spirit
It’s an addiction I love, though, I know I should fear it
Cause I’m peerless by choice when I’m blinded by redness
I’m destructive and pathetic in every word of the sentence
And while I work in the presence of the sabotage that I cling to
I forget all the stress and the barrage that it brings you
The way that it stings you, clocks your bell and then rings you
And how, when you sleep, it awakes you to ping you
The way that it brings you to the holes that I fell through
Through the tears the I cry and the words that I tell you
But the hurt that I sell you, shouldn’t be up for purchase
It’s mine that I made in this search for a purpose
The rings of this circus have been built by insanity
These thoughts can result in a bit of calamity
An inner self tragedy where burdens are carried
And tied to a soul to which they want to be married
Though if they could be parried, I’d give up the affair
But this luck is unfair and I stay stuck in repair

Notes: It’s been a while since I’ve written anything this fast paced and tied together so well.