Disguised By Fear

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I’m a bit of a mess as I look at these times
There is nothing but stress that weighs down on my mind
I thought I’d be fine as we both crossed the line
“A step to be made” is the bell that we chimed
But as hard as I try to face up to this climb
The challenge still scares me and eats me alive
Cause with you by my side I can see the whole prize
But when you step away it becomes so disguised
Hiding its eyes behind fear and uncertainty
I beg to the sky “oh please won’t you work with me”
Life’s kicking up dirt to me, making it hurt to see
A man who’s much stronger is who I must learn to be
Cause I think I deserve to see a little contentment
A peace down inside to subdue all resentment
This should be an investment and a valuable lesson
But it shakes me to pieces and fills me with tension
It’s the fear, so I’m guessing, that you might not stay with me
It’s stupid and baseless and it makes me feel shitty
With every gift that you give me, you’re sexy and pretty
Without you in my sight, the world is simply so gritty
But we go on with living as we face this together
I admit that I’m scared, but I’ll fight for ‘forever’
Every tie could be severed, I could scratch every letter
As long as you’re with me, I know it gets better.

How my brain handles a promotion at work

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Most people, when receiving a promotion at work, are ecstatic and bask in the feeling of success. I don’t do that. Up until I met up with Melanie, yesterday, I actually exhausted myself thinking through every scenario in which I can fail. Welcome to my mind.

Let me catch everyone up to the present. Last Friday, I interviewed for the new Gaming Supervisor spot at work. This is a position created by the company as they turn their focus to Gamestop and Walmart in an attempt to become the #1 gaming retailer in the U.S. Part of that drive means having leadership and employees dedicated solely to the department and so, when the position was made available, I applied. I love games and I want to move up. It kind of made sense to go for it.

Yesterday, I was told that I would be receiving an offer for the job. Immediately, my emotions were very bitter sweet, with way more bitterness than sweetness. I felt bad for a few co-workers who also went for the spot and would have been just as good of a fit for it. They’re my friends and I, of course, want success for them. It wasn’t pleasant seeing the disappointment in their faces. I know most people will tell me that I have to look out for myself, but it still bothered me. On top of that, I started panicking about all the ways I can screw this up and fail miserably. It’s damn exhausting to think like that and, as today winds down and I’ve spent most of it thinking of the same things, I’m exhausted yet again.

The biggest challenge, though, is going to be heading back to the sales floor. I have become very comfortable in my now former role. I’ve worked only mornings, knew almost every thing there is to know for a person in that position, and got to spend a lot of time with Melanie. Now, as I move back to the sales floor, my schedule will vary wildly and time with Melanie is going to be limited. On top of that, I have never been a supervisor before and I haven’t been on the sales floor in four years. What the hell were these people thinking picking me?! Life is about to get very different.

At the end of the day, honestly speaking, it’s just my fear of change and failure that’s crippling me. Logically, I can see how silly it is to think like this, but that doesn’t change the fact that the thoughts creep in and make me want to run and hide. I hope I can conquer the negativity and, ultimately, succeed at this new job as well as I have in the role I’m leaving. I’m so used to being one of the best, that the thought of falling behind the pack is very scary and not something I want to have to deal with.

First steps of boomeranging

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After my last post about my anxieties of moving and the new financial burdens I felt I would have trouble bearing, my parents reached out to me and offered me the chance to move back home so that I can get myself back on my feet. I consulted with a few people and, after realizing it would be best for me in terms of long term life planning, I agreed. It bummed me out to make the decision, though, and today, it all became a reality as I’ve started to pack up the few boxes I need to get together.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am very appreciative of the opportunity my parents are giving me. After two years of costly dental procedures, I am no where near where I should be, financially. It’s a burden, for sure, but I’ve been able to get by with my current bills. Unfortunately, the increased bills that would have come along with the new apartment would have crippled me rather quickly and I knew I couldn’t live like that. My parents’ generosity offers me a chance to breathe and truly save for my future. A future that is quickly approaching and one that I’m anxious to get to. That doesn’t help some of the depression associated with moving back home, though.

I’m a boomerang kid. That’s the term for someone who moves out of their parents’ house and then moves back in at a later time, usually due to financial difficulties. The stigma bothers me a bit, yeah, but the change that comes along with this move gets to me the most. I love my current apartment and even the new apartment wouldn’t have come close to this place. The apartment, itself, is also closer to work and Melanie which means I can easily walk to work and get to Melanie within an hour. Now, on days the trains aren’t running correctly, I have to figure out how to get to work. Coming home from Staten Island isn’t going to be a picnic either.

Beyond the traveling issues, comes the privacy issue. I love coming home to an often empty apartment and being alone for a little bit. It’s soothing, especially for someone who works in a very busy retail environment. Home isn’t going to be as peaceful. I’m going to be tested on some days, that’s for sure.

I guess all of this amounts to me feeling a little depressed over the situation. I wish I could afford to continue to live on my own, but the truth is that I can’t and my parents are saving me from inevitable debt. It’s a case of logic and emotion. Logically, this all makes complete sense. Emotionally, I may need some time to realize that.

Moving and it’s inherent stresses

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For those of you who never ever listen to me or read my Facebook or follow me on Twitter or happen to walk by me on the streets, I’ll be moving out at the end of the month. My roommates are moving back to Queens and there’s no way I can afford my current place on my own or with only one other roommate.

After talking to my best friend Joe, we decided this would be the best time for us to get a place together. We’ve talked about it for years and the timing never worked out. Even now, though, the timing isn’t perfect. He’s stuck in a lease until July and I have to be out by the end of the month. How’s this going to work? It wouldn’t if it weren’t for my parents stepping up and helping me out.

To be frank, I don’t make all that much at my current job and money is always tight. With my share of the rent going up and already threatening to stretch me a bit thin, there was no way I could afford the entire rent for 3 months. My dad came to the rescue, though, and offered to help me out by covering Joe’s share of the rent until Joe moved in. If you just said “wow” to yourself, don’t worry, so did I. It’s a ridiculously nice gesture that I wish I knew how to show appreciation for. Add to that the constant support from my mom and you can see why I love my parents.

It’s still going to be tough until Joe moves in. I’ll have to cover the electric bill, gas bill, and cable bill (the worst of them all) by myself and I’m already freaking out. Money just scares me to death and I dread financially difficult times. I’m going to be super stressed out for the next few months because of it, but it’s something that has to be dealt with.

I’m not sure there was much of a point to this post other than me venting. I can’t write a rhyme about this stuff, but getting it out in words still helps a lot. Thanks to everyone for their continued support and patience in listening to me whine all day long.

Do Me a Favor

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Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I think I’m going crazy
Looking out the window at a world that has betrayed me
I hate to ask for favors, but I wish someone would save me
And piece me back together before I finish breaking
It’s a little much for taking, but I can’t help with the shaking
I feel a little nervous as I look at what I’m facing
For some it’s kind of normal, but these footsteps that I’m racing
Are eating at my mind like they love what they’ve been tasting
As I’m pacing back and forth again, burning through my energy
I’m warden of this prison, the one to which I sentence me
Though, everything’s been said to me to help me find composure
In this poker game we’re playing, I’m the ever falling folder
Cause I’m older, but not wiser. Not stronger and not bolder
The temperatures may rise, but the stress will keep colder
I let fear control my state of mind like it’s some super soldier
There’s courage somewhere out there, but I am not it’s holder
Cause there’s fear upon my shoulder and panic in my chest again
Negativity’s the frame of mind with which I am now friends again
I miss the old “remember when” and days of no more worries
I’ve turned this to a blizzard when it really should be flurries
So, if you’ll do the favor then please won’t you fucking hurry
Make everything all better now and rid me of this worry
Nobody has betrayed me, but it’s easier to play that game
While looking out the window and praying that I’m not insane.

Letter to Fear

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Do I think that you can beat me? Well, the answer’s not so easy
When the puzzle gets to piecing, you’re the one that just completes me
In all the ways you tease me, break me and defeat me
You’re all the things I never had because I let you cheat me
And I know that you can see me, gleaming when I’m freezing
Laughing to yourself every time my hope is leaving
You’re in me when I’m seizing and you never need a reason
To let me get the best of me, wake me when I’m dreaming
But now my blood is steaming because I’m just so sick of this
I hate the way I fall to you and crumple to your viciousness
You cloud up all my visions with all your evil instruments
I let you take my happiness, replace it with your bitterness
But now it’s time we finish this so I can find the path again
I don’t know where it is and I’m so afraid to crash again
Though all I need is passion and a little piece of patch to mend
I think that I can handle this, no falling on my ass again
I think I found the gas again, so pedal to the pavement
I’ll work myself to flesh and bone and never miss a payment
Cause I’m sick of all the hatred, weakness, and complacence
I need to be a stronger man through pain and these abrasions
So, don’t mistake my patience for any kind of weakness
I’m remaking every puzzle piece to find my own completeness
And then one day you’ll see this, Chris and all his pieces
A man without his enemy, a man without his demons

Tase Me

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Do you mind if I sit a little and just dish a little?
I know that sometimes I get pissed a little
There are days I run and just miss the dribble
But then I heat up and just swish a little
While I twist a skittle for what’s in it’s middle
I don’t make much sense when I flick the fiddle
I think I need Kirk to come kick this tribble
And then while he’s here he can fix this riddle
And while thumbs go twiddle, I lean more crazy
It’s crazier, but you can’t come save me
Cause you need the key and, well, love or hate me
I ate that shit cause the words read “safety”
So, come and take me, crumple and break me
You can hold me close until you suffocate me
When you come to taste me, please won’t you tase me?
You can jolt me sane so I don’t go crazy
But the bolts won’t phase me, tickle or wake me
I’m just not myself, have you noticed this lately?
That when you go to make me a little more mainstream
When you tie the rope and when you try to train me
That I fly more plainly and paint a painting
I just say that shit because you’re complaining
Cause when your hope is fading, draining, and waning
I kiss a socket with the crazy remaining

Notes: Not meant to make much sense. More about the rhyming, though there’s a small meaning, nonetheless.

Whistling and Humming

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This is a conversation that I feel should be avoided
I wish that I was deaf so I could cancel it and void it
Cause right now I’m feeling toyed with and I think I know what’s coming
So I try to drown you out with my whistling and humming
Strumming on my nerves again, the stress can be so cutting
Making me feel stupid, sometimes anything but cunning
While I’m running round in circles, the sadness keeps on budding
And admittedly your apathy can often seem so stunning
As I’m trudging through the trenches, you’re on the concrete running
Never looking back for me, you continue with the shunning
Well, my heart is down and shutting, boarded up and broken
And these words are here for you, they’re your little fucking token
I was open and receptive and I made you all my focus
When the fire kept on dying, it was me who always stoked it
But you asked me for my ticket then you stood there and revoked it
Now this is what I’m left with and instead of feeling hopeless
I will simply stand up proudly and go back inside the flow again
I’ll take this day by day and pray one day you’ll say you know again
But even if it’s no again, I will refuse to fall to pieces
Cause my strength is everlasting, but no pain is ever ceaseless
At least that’s been my thesis but I need someone to teach it
Or someone to open up to me and confirm it when they preach it
Cause I’m sort of feeling sleepless as I do this self convincing
I try to hide my pain from you, I try to hide my wincing

Notes: Not my story

Scribbling and Rhyming

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This is for the people who keep telling me to do this
And for every mother fucker who has ever said it’s stupid
These words are for the assholes who begged for their attention
Who picked apart every word and questioned their intention
Cause suspension of this talent was done without disgression
I silenced my whole message in an act of self protection
That prevention of the anger only served to raise aggression
And now I’m boiling over and it’s aimed in your direction
This confession is supported by years of condescension
Every single letter is my means of shedding tension
This skill was my obsession and a major fucking passion
But the friction that it caused took away a lot of traction
As I spun in the reactions and the anger and the hatred
Of the people who stood closest, those anything by faceless
I wasted so much thought on giving you those pages
You crushed me with demands, you were bold and fucking shameless
But the phases that I’m facing, the humility and patience
A brand new way of life that I’m putting through it’s paces
Brings me to these pages and makes me think of writing
Just a little inspiration goes a long way to igniting
Cause now I’m sighing, fighting, flying, scribbling and rhyming
Typing every letter like there’s treasure for the finding
I’m mining through my mind again, I’m sick of all the hiding
Nobody I should aim to please, just my subject and my timing

Notes: I’m putting a new focus on trying to get back to writing as well as I used to. This is simply an explanation of why I stopped. It’s not that great, but I hope it’s a positive step in the right direction.

Maid of Tears

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The room turns to black as the spotlight flips on
She hears the song and accepts that this moment is on
But like a bomb in her chest, strength fades til it’s gone
So she looks to the sky, begs and prays to be strong
Cause all along when she pictured it, he would be there
With his courage to share everytime she was scared
Life doesn’t seem fair as she chokes on that air
Cause she feels so alone even though everyone cares
But she quickly prepares and then summons composure
As she walks through the door like the strongest of soldiers
Her world’s feeling colder, but she stuffs it inside
This isn’t for her, not when her cousin’s the bride
And through the dozens of lies that she’s doing okay
She swallows her pride and marches on through the day
But then all of the pain floods it’s way to her brain
The walls fall apart when they reach the refrain
Cause the song hasn’t changed and the words are the same
It was the music of choice that he loved to replay
As they stand in that place on a warm rainy day
She fights through the tears til the last note has played
And then with all of the grace that she’s managed to muster
She accepts the condolence of the people that love her
But deep down inside, all she does is still suffer
She just wants it all back, all with him, not another
Cause the love of a sister, father, mother, or brother
Can not replace the guy that made her heart flutter
Now the ship’s lost it’s rudder, a heart’s turned to rubber
She just wants him back and to hear that he loves her

Notes: I haven’t written in a LONG time, so excuse any rust and roughness around the edges. This is just something that’s been on my mind and I decided to re-tell the story, in a way.

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