poems

Shambles of Ramble (10/20/2005)

No, I have no interest in walking a mile or inches
I can not be woken even after twenty pinches
Still, damn it itches, my rhyming hand still twitches
I try to write a picture but everything just misses
Cause I’m writing ditches from which I can’t escape
It’s hard to operate when you can never think it straight
Yeah sure, I could bring the hate, but I could never fake it
So just slap me in the brain and fucking try to wake it
And feel so free to shake it, like that shaken baby syndrome
Implant me with some pain, just make sure it’s not silicon
Cause I am still a drone to nothing else that matters
Just watch the image of me and stare as it all shatters
The echoes of the chatter of the people that don’t know
I’m fighting through the static to put on a puppet show
Burning up inside the glow of the lights that never shine
A pressure I put on me that eats at me each time
It beats inside my mind like Donkey Kong upon the bongo
I read through every line and just carry on with my flow
But, what do I know? I’m apparently just emo
“Wherever monkey go, you can be assured that he go”
Yet, as you knock my ego and pick apart my writings
Shredding through the pages with syllabolic timing
Though, you will not see me crying, a thousand left for writing
Your actions like a pill to take my hand and guide me
So, please excite me and do something that is stupid
Go do your little dance and say something that is useless
Just prove to me you’re clueless and let me have some fun
Does this rhyme make any sense? I think I’ll start a new one

Notes: It’s not as easy flowing as some rhymes, but I was just experimenting with this one. I just took any random thoguhts that popped into my head and included them into the piece.

Update: I fixed a few shakey areas. Most aren’t going to like this since the flow isn’t the same as my usual stuff. That’s okay since I don’t care anyway. It’s supposed to be random and stupid and almost trippy.

Lost in a Stare (10/9/2005)

Looking back on the things that both of us said
I get lost in the circles that float in my head
I never really knew you until you had left
I just sat in the glow of the lies that you fed
But now I do my best to stand on my feet
And even though I bleed I just don’t feel that weak
You were not the one listening when I would speak
So, now I’ll seal you off like you did to me
Cause things failed to go the way that I planned
And I lost myself inside of your hands
It’s a lesson learned, a new scar I can wear
I’ll go back to the world where nobody is there
And find repair in the rhymes that I write
And try to stare through the times that I cry
Pieces scattered, but there still to gather
You had some control but my heart hasn’t shattered

So, where do I go and what road do I choose?
I hope you watch close as I follow the clues
I’ll be walking along with unconfident shoes
A path to break through the nonsense with you
But, as I find the truth and I learn all the facts
I find the news and I discover the act
Space filler, just another fake thriller
I was holding a spot, this wasn’t fate’s killer
Just another fake chiller with a cold for my heart
You used me all up and then you tore apart
I gave you my heart, now I’m back at the start
Though, now I’m able speak without that regard
And I tried so hard to show that I cared
I held my pain so I could take what you shared
Now I act so tough because you’re not there
But you’re on my mind when I get lost in a stare

Notes: This one, technically, is different than a lot of my other pieces in that I change the flow mid verse. It just felt like something I should do in this case. The poem itself is kind of scattered in terms of its message, but it’s a perfect depiction of the feelings I’ve been going through after things fell apart with Maria. I put a lot of work into that friendship/potential relationship and to have something so important fall apart so quickly can leave one feeling lost and struggling to find the meaning.

A Letter To…Alex (9/29/2005)

I still remember, back in time, walking in the rain
Holding hands so lovingly and never feeling pain
But things started to change, well, I guess it was all me
Growing up inside myself caused my shell to bleed
Yet, what I failed to see was the way that I behaved
There’s no easy way to say it, I acted so insane
Cause somewhere in the pain, I lost track of the time
Before I knew what happened, we were both on different sides
And I was fighting for my pride as the anger filled my mind
One minute I was screaming, the next I fell and cried
And slowly it all died as I acted out my hatred
I couldn’t even fake it that I could sit and take it
So I put our love in danger and watched it as it shattered
I tried to brush it off, but inside my heart was battered
A damn repeating pattern that I forced into your life
Of circumstance and friendship and the darkness that I hide
And, no, it wasn’t right, but you couldn’t see inside
The mess that I became in the basement that I cried
Sleeping through the light to avoid all of my burdens
But, then again at night, I really had no purpose
A chaos and a circus and the voices in my head
I wish I did it differently, never done but said
Laying in my bed, I’d pray for something better
But then I walked away and it rained inside forever
Though now I get together all the pieces that were broken
Looking back forever at all the little tokens
A little star with writing and a book with blackened pages
I can’t explain the feeling and I’m a little scared to face it

If you’d ask me for the reason, I wouldn’t really have one
I’m writing this so nervously, this rhyme is not a sad one
But I think it is a fair one, as I take up all the blame
And be the man I wasn’t when I had the chance to change
Cause now I’m less deranged and a little less insane
There’s a little more stability and heart inside my brain
And I think I’ll be okay, even as we grow more distant
Yet we continue to evade and let fear be so persistant
Though, I wish I were resistant and a little more insistent
On fixing everything, with God there for some assistance
But if we never fix this, please believe me when I say
I loved all that we shared, even through the times of hate

Notes: Finally continuing the series. This one is a little rough around the edges as it’s still hard to gather my thoughts on the subject. I tried. All I can do is try and hope that it makes sense.

Words Never Heard (9/21/2005)

Her beauty’s resounding, my heart’s softly pounding
Confusion and weakness, by which I am drowning
I feel so dumbfounded, my knees start to tremble
I try to act cool but my heart’s disassembled
Just falling to pieces, I give in to weakness
I try to think straight, my mind always freezes
The ache never ceases, she has me so captured
She pulls at my heart, but I’m so far from rapture
I wish I could capture the words that are in me
Explain it to her, the way that she lifts me
Away from the places and traps of the darkness
A smile to give and it’s always regardless
No catch to the clause, no small printed writing
Just warmth that I love and that brings me from hiding
Exposing the person that I enjoy being
One that is caring, not crying and bleeding

But so, here I am, unable to speak them
Words never heard, how would she greet them?
Doubts like a riddle with no easy answer
It’s worth taking risks, but I’d never chance her
And throw away friendship that I’ve come to cherish
A beauty so pure, the image won’t perish
Next to her merits, I realize that I’m nothing
Just a shell of a man that wants to love something

This rhyme makes no sense and I’m tired of writing
My mind is a mess and the voices are fighting
Just waiting and dying and losing to weakness
Each time that I see her, my heart always freezes

Note: It sucks, I know.