poems

My Source (1/6/2008)

I have so much to say but no place to say it
Some take offense and some just can’t take it
Some of it’s nice and some’s laced with hatred
But, most of it’s love spread on these pages
And I’m practicing patience, I’m biting my tongue off
While asking just what I have possibly done wrong
I listen to dumb songs and immerse in these thoughts
Remembering smiles, but it hurts that we lost
The spark that we had, the one moment of bliss
When I wasn’t afraid, I was brave like a kid
Forgetting the world and conceding to beauty
Wait, take a breath, I know what I’m doing
I’m not here for guilt, I’m not writing agenda
But last night was tough, my heart’s in the blender
And I need this to think and then write it away
Or at least jot it down and somehow right the pain
But I’ll remain strong, I will bleed from my lips now
Holding back words with the fear that they’ll slip out
It’s against my own nature, but I’ll do what I have to
‘Til it’s all purged away and allowed to just pass through
And then if I have you or at least your attention
I’ll lay it all out, but with care and disgression
This hyper retention of thoughts can consume me
But I’m determined to win, the source can be soothing
Cause it all stems from you, this blanketing blurring
Vision’s obscured, but the world keeps on turning
I’m stronger than shown, I’m tougher than thought
I’ll exhibit my strength, to you, my own source

Notes: I’m hoping it exhibits the calm, determined exterior I’m trying to maintain while, perhaps, beneath the surface, things are a little more chaotic.

In These Pages (1/4/2008)

There’s just something about taking the pen to the page
Or the hand to the keyboard, in this modern day age
Thinking what I should say before I go on and spill it
Then I’ll fill it all up, I’ll either bomb it or kill it
I can feel it, either way, the pull that grabs at my chest
It’s a few hours or days until it builds to a test
And I can never give less than every feeling I hold
I don’t care if it’s cliched or tired or old
Cause the cold can be stressful, it can wear on a soul
These are words from the spirit instead of flesh from the bone
Both can leave holes, though, I feel safe and at home
When the adrenaline hits me as the pages take mold
From the patience I sold and the pain that I bought
I can’t do what I’m told and I forget what I’m taught
This here is my place and a way to stay open
To expose what I hold cause this page is a potion
Some would say it’s the notion of artistic expression
But it’s too raw and too broken to be a heartless direction
If you take apart imperfection, you’d find every last secret
It’s all in these pages, locked in sight where I keep it
Cause I have my demons and my love and my questions
I have it all here within these rhythmic suggestions
These pieces of self that I pour into these pages
Nine different reasons that my love meets with hatred

Please Believe Me (12/31/2007)

I’m like a little boy sometimes, just screaming for attention
I force you all away from me, but really want retention
I sit alone right here tonight with tears upon my eyes
For the world I never see, because of everything I hide
And as I’m breaking down inside, now I’ll cry it out for you
How every single step I make is filled with doubt right through
I hate the silence of my mind in this room that’s closing in
I want to fall asleep sometimes and hold it all within
But the truth of all the facts is that I’m simply scared to give in
I cry, but dream a million things and pray that they’ll be given
But I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m losing all ability
To control the world right now and it’s slowly fucking killing me
I want to wash it all away, I need to go escape it
I need to know just what I have and then appreciate it
The only thing that’s good right now is what I’m most afraid of
Attachment to a person, hell, some would even say…

I think you get the picture, I’m so fucking sick of this
I’m always running blindly and my luck’s so fucking thin
I really need the anger and the walls I used to hide in
I’m way too fucking open and it feels like I am dying
Barely breathing as I’m crying while pounding at this keyboard
I hate what I’m afraid of and I hate that I can’t be sure
Fear is leaving me sore and secluded from a beauty
The smile on the face of the girl that’s run right through me

And here’s the part where strength comes in, I’ll take another stand
I’ll fight my way right through this, I’ll make you understand
I really am the man I say and the one who could protect you
The friend who’s there to help you out and never to upset you
I’m the guy who’s weak but strong enough to manage when you’re crying
The one who likes you so damn much, the truth’s in what I’m hiding
I’m more fucked up than most of them, but I’ll try my very best
To prove to you and everyone that I’m stronger than the rest
Cause even if my chest is hurt and even if I’m doubting
Even if the fear is here and I’m crying cause it’s shouting
I’ll fight my way right through it to be there when you need me
I just need you to see it and I need you to believe me

Notes: There’s two sides of this. First, it’s just that I stay so closed that when I finally open up, all the shit comes pouring out and usually ruins everything and forces me to close up again. I want to end it this time. I want to control the flow so I can keep something good and not screw it all up as I always do. Secondly, it’s about asking a certain person, but also people in general, to believe me that I’m strong. Sometimes, you just need someone to believe in you. Do they?

Fighting The Trend (12/29/2007)

I know that I’ll get through this eventually
But I’m just not sure it’ll be done successfully
Because stuff gets to me when I know that it shouldn’t
It always plays the same though I said that it wouldn’t
And this is where I lock up and forget what to say
I just go over the facts and then watch them decay
This mind is a stage for my anger and hate
With jealousy in the spotlight in these recent few days
I know I need it soon: change. I just need to relax a bit
And say thanks for what I have and then simply fall back to it
There’s really a knack to it, the way I constantly fuck up
But I need to stay strong and let this jealousy shut up
Cause anything that’s been dug up just doesn’t belong here
I need to bury it again and stay vibrant and strong here
This situation is complicated, but I want to face it
For that moment in the rain, oh god I can taste it
So, I need to stay patient and remember the details
I was the one there, there’s no reason that we’ll fail
Optimism is difficult, though I will fight to embrace it
Because that feeling was pure, this respite makes me patient
Though my mind tries to hate it, this heart keeps on beating
And so long as it does, I won’t be crying or leaving
In a world where my feelings can be harsh and deceiving
You give me truth and a smile and a fuel for believing
And now I feel it all leaving, the doubt and the envy
I will fight for what I want, my own fairy tale ending
Wounds keep on mending and one day I will beat this
And then look into your eyes and realize that I need this

Notes: It’s a little rough around the edges, but I just woke up, so that’s to be expected. It’s about constantly trying to remind myself that I have to fight through my issues to get what I want. I can’t give up.