A trip inside the heart and mind.
bangbang023
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Posts by bangbang023
Be The Man
Jun 28th
I want to speak to you, let’s take the scenic route
Let’s walk upon the path that will help us see it through
It’s always me and you and we’ve never needed proof
That we could burn the world and then eat the pieces, too
Yeah, can’t you see the truth while walking in these shoes?
Remember bearing down whether dust or tree to move?
Now, it stings to see the fuse as the weakness seems to brew
Who’s been watching who while we’re watching dreams come true?
Cause I know it seems to you and it always seems to me
That everything we never want is how it needs to be
And the howling of our screams from atop these balconies
Have only drowned our pleas and the power in our knees
And we’re falling off our feet and losing all ability
To tell the world to fucking stop cause everything is killing me
Everything is killing you while the anger’s filling me
You look at me for help but there is no power still in me
Cause all that’s found, a chill in me, from staring at destruction
I’m watching wires burn and surroundings lose their function
The construction of a photograph is torn down by the leader
As we’re chased with burning torches and get labeled “non-believer”
And it’s painful, like a fever, as we see the haloed diva
Choking on the smoke she chose, paid for by receiver
I’d hate to be the meter that measures that corrosion
But I want to drink a liter of the fuel set for explosion
And use it with emotion as we spit it in their faces
Light another fire up, then sit in both our places
Watching as it races and the shrapnel filling spaces
Of the emptiness created by the castles it erases
And as we get back to our paces and exchange a glance or two
I wish to be the one you are and be the man like you
Cause you understand the truth and you make the world much clearer
Except that it’s all backwards cause I’m talking to the mirror
And as I’m walking nearer, we’re standing face to face, again
I look to you for help and then ask to set the pace, again
I’ve had to taste disgrace, again, to realize the I need you
I need to walk those footsteps and then one day I’ll be you
No Water Colors
Jun 27th
I think I hit my head and it’s making me go crazy
It makes me want to say things and whine just like a baby
I don’t think the world can save me, though, only fucking break me
Cause everytime we interact it’s like you want to train me
To be a different person and re-arrange the facing
To split a strand of D.N.A. and get to re-creating
It’s like nobody’s happy with the image I’m displaying
They’re always fucking bitching and then they start complaining
And I’m losing in refraining, my nerves are left here straining
I’m looking for some patience, but patience has been waning
The picture that you’re painting is not what’s in the making
So, fucking stop debating because every word is staining me
Now, everything is gray to me all from the words you say to me
You detail every failure; I’d rather it be vague to me
Because it seems insane to me to be the one you crave in me
A dozen different people with an image that they say to be
And every one is painting me to be something I’d hate to be
I’m starting to get lost and still none of you are saving me
Cause even when it’s plain to see that all the stress is breaking me
You keep picking up the pieces and patch me up, they’re taped to me
But the glue is waivering and those pieces get to falling
I’m delaying conversations because I feel much safer stalling
Looking for a calling that could be the lotto drawing
Deliver me a freedom that I can’t get while I’m crawling
So, I’m scrawling these words down until I get those numbers
‘Til I shove them in your face and make you see the wonders
This isn’t water color and I can’t be hidden easily
So, let me be myself and then I’ll find my “need to be”
Fuses
Jun 8th
I have no where to go now, but I need someone to listen
As I whimper to myself while I sit in this position
Cause her hidden disposition, look a ring is friggin’ missin’
A heart shaped necklace, too, and it burns me like a piston
Cause I’m simply no magician and I’m really way too stubborn
I try to hide a lot of things that simply get unconvered
Like the fact that I feel sorry, but because of all your actions
I can’t spit out the words to repair what’s just been fractured
Yeah, sure, I want to patch it and make it good and better
But you still break up with me after every fight together
One day you say “forever” and the next you say “it’s over”
I want to be much warmer, but you force me to be colder
Cause there’s safety, like I told her, not living in emotion
I wanted to be risky, though, and go with every motion
Sure, the ocean has so many fish to feed a feeding frenzy
But you’re the only one I want when I feeling empty
Do you hear me? Do you get me? Am I speaking clearly?
You’re breaking up with me but I love you very dearly
I wish that you were near me, sitting on this step now
Knowing both our walls have been put away and let down
But we’re both so damn upset now and both too fucking prideful
Though a simple kiss from you would be awesomely delightful
We’re both so fucking spiteful, though, both too fucking stupid
To see this fight is ruthless and really fucking useless
So, until we calm our fuses we just tear apart the walls, now
We burn the fucking roof off and watch it tear and fall down
We don’t even care to call out or look each other’s way
We just find a satisfaction in the soot that leaves us gray
But, as we start to burn away and scorch the air around us
We turn ourselves around and see the love that’s always bound us
Not as though with chains, but the bond that makes us stronger
So, we put aside the difference and we pray forever’s longer
Notes: Been a while, huh? Don’t expect it too often, though.
Story of Jafar
Apr 12th
Let me tell you a story and blow it out of proportion
A classical tale flipped around by distortion
I’ll mix in my sound and bounce out a few portions
I’d keep with this rhyming, but every word would be forced in
So, proceeding with caution, I beg you to have patience
You can call me Jafar, so villainous with my hatred
As ink spills on these pages, you’ll come across this Aladdin
And discover the story of how he took away Jasmine
See, love is my passion and it can make me feel shakey
Hell, it could turn any person from sane to just crazy
But the princess was mine and I cherished it, baby
Naivety soon left everything feeling shady
Because, she told me that lately, this Aladdin had found her
She breathed him in and enjoyed how he drowned her
I couldn’t believe it, but I can still see the pictures
It disgusts me to see how this bullshit just hits her
And suddenly fissures of hate break my patience
He blurs out her beauty, he’s leaving her faceless
Like the rarest of fruit that suddenly becomes tasteless
I’m lost for the words to be said that can save this
And consumed by this hatred that I have for Aladdin
I wish he was here, so I could take him and grab him
Like a brick through a window, take a knife and just stab him
Watch the flames I create as they burn him and bag him
But, as I turn to Jasmine, with these wishes and day dreams
My vision is blurred, but I don’t think she’ll save me
Sometimes bad guys are born not by their own human nature
But by the princess they love and the things that can take her
Notes: No need to remind me that I haven’t posted in two months. This was born out of my own personal need to vent and talk about it with myself, at least.
Boredom brings a wallpaper
Feb 11th
I’ve been a bit bored lately. Between being snowed in yesterday and being home this morning, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands. During this time, I decide to take a few pictures of the snow storm from my front stoop. One of these shots looked pretty promising and I decided to make it into a wallpaper. Now, remember, this picture was taken with an aging Canon SD1000 point and shoot, so the quality isn’t that of an SLR. I hope someone enjoys it, nonetheless.
I’ve also included both widescreen aspect ratios. The wallpaper was originally created in a 16:10 ratio for my personal uses, but I worked on a decent enough 16:9 version for people with modern monitors or laptops.
16:10 aspect ratio:
16:9 aspect ratio:
The perfect couple
Feb 6th
While it mostly comes from Melanie’s girl friends, I’m still surprised by the number of people who think we are the perfect couple. Don’t get me wrong, I think we’re a great couple, but we fight and disagree and go through the same things many other couples go through. We’re not perfect people and effort is required to keep the relationship going just as with anyone else’s relationship. Yet, we’re perfect.
Then we have my sister and my roommate. In my eyes, THEY were always the perfect couple. I was amazed to hear, when talking to my sister, that they fought just like Melanie and I do. It’s actually eerie to hear how many of the arguments are the same even if the people involved are completely different. The perfect couple, in my eyes, was the same as Melanie and I. Wow.
I started thinking and I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone knows a couple that they see as “the perfect couple”. That couple never seems to fight and, probably, appears to be the epitome of love. Behind closed doors, though, I bet they’re just like the rest of us. They fight and disagree and have those moments where they want to throw each other down a flight of stairs. We all have those moments, yet, everyone’s in love.
So, you know what? Melanie and I are the perfect couple. Hell, my sister and my roomie are the perfect couple, too. I think any couple that can go above that crush stage and make each other happy a majority of the time is, in fact, the perfect couple. This isn’t the movies. This isn’t TV. Some fights are stupid, some are nasty, and some are for the sake of fighting, but it never lasts long, cause there’s always that love. I love her. She loves me. Yeah, we’re perfect.
Separating work from the rest
Jan 30th
I need to start creating clear distinctions in my life and keep work from spilling into my personal life. To top it off, I need to stop getting stressed out, so easily, at work. It’s all serving to throw off my happiness outside of the big blue box and I’m sick of it.
Even though I mentioned it second, learning to not get stressed out at work should, probably, be my first priority. I go in and get pissed off because the people around me don’t seem to care as much as I do. I talk to managers and supervisors and get no where. I spin my wheels, get aggravated, and let it sit with me the rest of the day. Why should I care if no one else does? If I have to spend every single day cleaning up someone else’s mistakes, then that’s my management’s choice in how they’re spending labor. I get paid, either way.
Regardless of how successful I am with that, I need to make sure any stress I do encounter stays in that building once I punch out. It winds up exhausting me, making me feel old, and interfering with things like my relationship with Melanie. I’m too young to feel this old and I’m done with it. I’m not going to run out and start doing 8 balls, but maybe I’d like to be able to laugh and have a beer and just enjoy a night with my girlfriend, whether we’re going out or sitting home and bumming around. I don’t get paid enough to carry that burden around with me and I won’t do it, anymore.
Cloudy View
Jan 23rd
I’ve been clouded by the smoke of what’s becoming your obsession
Wind blows in my direction and it blurs out the perfection
This verse is with discretion cause it’s not said with aggression
Just a little means of venting in this rhyming flowing session
My confident confession is it tends to be a turn off
Mixed feelings on the subject and a shortened fuse to burn off
I try to shed concern off, but I don’t have the ability
Without being so dramatic, the images are killing me
The thoughts alone are filling me as I wish it off so willingly
But every ounce of effort leaves the pictures there and still in me
Paranoia’s billing me and I’m running out of wages
Insanity’s contagious and it’s laced across these pages
And through a mind that races, it screws up all the paces
Anxiety is calling and it’s lacking any patience
It really is outrageous to see how it all can get to me
But I’m keeping it all quiet because it’s all been said to me
And every word’s been fed to me, repeated and proclaimed to me
Our polarizing visions of something that’s insane to me
But it’s the way the pain must be to save the greater picture
So, I try to hold it in and then drown it with a mixture
Of thoughts and other pictures and anything that’s richer
The thousand other things that a Misses gives to Mister
But I’m only getting sicker and will be til it’s finished
And I continue hoping that we won’t leave this diminished
Getting into shape and losing a scale
Jan 20th
My roommate, James, and I have been talking about how out of shape we both are. We both realized how bad our cardio was and James also thought he could lose a few pounds. We talked for months about it, but finally decided to do something to change the situation, so we went to Walmart and bought an exercise bike. Why a bike? Well, for me, I’ve always been a fan of bike riding in the summer, so this felt like a natural extension of that love and a great way of keeping me on my workout routine.
We had a limited budget to work with, so Walmart made the most sense, even if I’m not a fan of them. James and I both wanted a recumbent bike for the obvious comfort reasons, but settled on a nicely priced upright. The bike isn’t super high end, but it does the job and, during my first two workouts, I’ve had my ass handed to me. The thing I like most about it is the set of 8 preset workout routines that automatically adjust the resistance over a period of 20 or 30 minutes. These presets push me harder than I would, otherwise, push myself if I had to manually choose the resistance. Here’s hoping I find the strength to keep this all going and finally get back to the shape I used to be in.
As a side story, we also bought a scale in Walmart after our other one broke a few months back. We found a nice little digital scale for $18 and put it in the cart. Unfortunately, we were so wrapped up in getting the bike to fit in the car, that none of us (our girlfriends came with us) thought to take the bag out of the cart and into the car. I hope whoever found it is enjoying the damn thing.
Always quality over quantity
Jan 19th
It’s been a few days since I’ve checked in and I promise I won’t be returning to those extended periods of silence. Something came up, however, and I had to deal with it and the process was very exhausting.
I’ve realized, lately, the importance of friends. I know I’ve always been a bit more introverted than the usual person, but I’ve been coming out of my shell over the past years and having good people around you is key to remaining stable and happy. I guess a lot of it comes down to the relationship I have with Melanie. To be in a relationship, you have to open up and she cracked me a peanut. The rest just comes with the territory, I guess.
High school is a lot like Myspace. The number of friends you have always seems like a big deal and people go for as many friends as possible. There’s always exceptions, but I know most people, when I were in high school, called way too many people their “friends” when they were really just acquaintances, at best. I was no different. Even in my shy and loner ways, I tried to be everybody’s friend and desperately tried to add to that total number. I kept a lot of people around and in my life when all they did was take from it. Things have changed, though.
I’m the first to admit that I don’t have many friends. I’m just not that guy. The few friends I do have, however, I appreciate more and more as time goes on. I’m not going to mention names because I’m sure some people will feel excluded and throw a hissy fit for no reason, but if you’re my friend, thank you. You guys have been immensely helpful as I go through my 20′s and I’d be much crazier if you all weren’t around to keep me in check. Forget dozens or hundreds of friends, I only need a select few good ones and you all fit that bill so well.