Archive for May, 2009
Limitations of such a small site
May 28th
I’m a guy who loves to voice his opinion about everything. That’s really not a secret. Surprisingly enough, though, not only do I enjoy doing it, but people seem to be entertained by what I have to say. Whether it be people at work or visitors to Neowin, people always seem to react to my opinions because I like to dress them up and put on a show. That’s what this site is supposed to be about. A whole place dedicated to my opinions and thoughts and emotions. The problem is that nobody really knows this place exists.
This is all stemming from recent discussions about Neowin and my last Bang On column which was posted exclusively on this site for the first time. It made sense, after leaving Neowin, to keep going with my more popular work and try to draw more visitors to my neck of the woods. It didn’t really work out as I had hoped and there was only an insignificant bump in numbers for a day or two. It was really disheartening.
I’m at a crossroads with all of this. The more I think about it, the more I feel as though it’s impossible to mix my interests and thoughts on technology and my personal life on one site. Most people don’t want to read my poems or journals and the few people who do are probably not interested in any techno babble. I can try to cram it all together and keep failing or I can figure out a better solution. Unfortunately, besides creating a second site and draining myself creatively, I have nothing.
For the few of you who do visit: Any ideas? I want to make it work and I want to include more tech talk here, but how do I mix the two worlds without alienating either one? I was considering, for starters, creating a “Tech Talk” category. Good?
World Burned Down
May 26th
This is it, I’ve fucking had it and I’m losing my composure
I’m too grown up for this bullshit to be sold upon my shoulders
As I have grown much older and flip back through all these folders
These lines and folds inside the mind that grow as I grow colder
I can see a lonely soldier standing firm like hes a boulder
Unwaivering so patiently while the ashes smolder
He hates to scream and hates to bleed but he has been the holder
Of whatever’s in his head again, those things he hasn’t told her
So, exposure is the path he’s chosen, spilling out my heart again
I don’t have a fucking clue about the middle or the start or end
But before I fall apart again, I will fall back to this art and then
Pour it out onto the page and pray this aging heart will mend
Cause I have felt the scars, my friend, the pain before collection
I have painted every picture as a way to gain protection
From the people who just disagree and make me face rejection
From the very fucking people that have made this rage a blessing
But fuck these games of guessing, I should simply just explain it
That way everybody understands the picture that I’ve painted
I have not come all this way and I have not done all this waiting
To be mixed up in a party of the burned out and the wasted
Cause let’s face it, you had tasted it and become one of the faceless
And I hate it with a passion and the rage that it’s been laced with
And I won’t have any patience and I will not be complacent
I don’t care who might be in the room, I’ll make the whole night famous
Cause these paces that I’m walking, they are energized by passion
Enough to make me stand up to whatever shit might happen
If my actions burn the whole world down and every room you died in
Then I can rest so peacefully and erase what does my mind in
Little Treasure
May 21st
Gonna push this harder than ever, my arm is a lever
To crank out these letters, the art and the clever
The scars are all better, my heart isn’t severed
Though sometimes the mind isn’t always together
The hallways get shredded and all that I’ve dreaded
Floods to the front and I always regret it
When the calm in each sentence waivers and withers
And jumbles the mixture and erases the picture
And I’ll say that I’ve missed her and this is expected
Recollection can drown you if you’re not protected
These dealings of love can be crazy and hectic
Though I try my damn best so I don’t fucking wreck it
Cause this is a record and one proud achievement
Fifteen total months and neither is leaving
I love what we have and I need it like breathing
To fight what I hold when it’s me and the ceiling
Laying there feeling so alone and pathetic
I’m sure millions of people would know it and get it
But that doesn’t end it or make it all better
My battles are mine and I’ll wage them forever
Like lost little treasures that sometimes I dig up
Only I know the loot and sometimes I give up
Fuck sticking chin up cause I’m just too damn tired
That fire has expired and I can’t be the fighter
To spark it all right up, to stand up to a navy
On an ocean of tears that can drive myself crazy
Maybe I’m lazy or perhaps I’m a quitter
Just take what you want so I know what to give her
Normalcy
May 20th
Perhaps, not yet, but it’s the onset of turrets
An impulse from the chest from all I’ve surpressed
It hasn’t caught yet, but it’s under and on breath
The safest place to be is further than arm’s length
Cause the urge ain’t gone yet, it’s completely conceivable
I can feel it seeping through, the surge is unbelievable
I’ll become the evil dude, the one to stay and see it through
And bring nothing but distress when I really should give peace to you
But I am just the least to you, another broken piece to you
A cog beside a wheel that lacks a little grease to you
I shouldn’t have to preach to you or make a fucking reach to you
You should see the work I do and everything it means for you
So, fuck your little reasons dude and fuck these funny feelings
The ones stealing from the picture and leaving portraits peeling
Envy on the floor again while you’re across the ceiling
I should be fucking proud, but I’m lost and fucking reeling
Concealing what I’m feeling and convinced I’m fucking dealing
It simply isn’t logical, this isn’t fucking healing
This feeling is Goliath and I can not be it’s David
I try to force it out again, but it decides to stay in
And every night and day in, the playground that I play in
Is a minefield of my own and not the safest haven
I wish that I could trade in a cloud or two for normalcy
Cause I truly fucking know that there is something wrong with me
Wrong about Eminem
May 19th
So, I may have been a bit wrong about the latest Eminem album. I’ve given it a more attentive listen and it’s not that bad, actually. It’s not exactly as good as some of his earlier work, but it’s much better than anything in recent memory.
The first half of the album is very focused on him being insane and controversial and he does it right. Unlike on “Encore”, Eminem doesn’t waste out time with tracks laced with fart noises and the like. Instead, he delivers, as quickly as ever, joke after joke about his mother and celebrities and women. It’s ceaseless and harsh, but entertaining to listen to.
The ending of the album is more serious with the track “Deja Vu” being the highlight of the album, for me. Eminem, as he’s done so many times before, just exposes himself to the public eye and openly admits to the drug addictions he’s battled over the past four years. It’s a very well done retrospective. He may never change and be as mature as he is in songs like this, but it’s a personal touch that really adds much needed heart to the album.
Sing To It
May 17th
If I had one last rhyme to write before I passed tonight
I would take out the trash and clear out the past tonight
I was always too fast to fight with both of my parents
Though they never paid attention to what was apparent
So, I would stare and ask myself about the meaning of caring
Could it be inside the pills that were for me without sharing
Could it be inside the beer can and the radio flying
Both took to the air on that faithful night I was crying
And I’m not lying or writing to stir up a commotion
My mind is just running and this helps slow down the motion
Just like the notion of a long distance relationship
It’s a test of will and might and I knew that I hated it
But I fought to just stay with it cause I was too scared of facing it
Until that one faked a rape and then I said I’m not taking this
There’s only pain if I stay with this and the world hurts enough
I never guessed it’d be tough, all this patience and stuff
So, I just played in the rough instead of aiming for fairways
I chose to want the unreachable and fade to the airwaves
I played “I don’t care” phase then sought an escape route
Anyone who got close was fought off with “I hate you”
And I heard “I can’t take you” more than I wish to admit
I would say they didn’t mean it but I would wish that they did
Cause if the friendship was shit, well, then I could stop trying
Go out and buy a forty and lay down while I’m crying
Address the crowd while I’m flying, scribble down that I’m dying
Jot down eight more lines and then pretend that it’s writing
But I was fighting with myself and you know I’m not lying
I sabotaged everything cause I was purposely trying
To make myself hurt for the bad ways that I acted
I was plastered and smashed and sometimes a real bastard
Til the plan that I mastered fell and shattered to pieces
I don’t remember when or any particular reasons
But it’s time to leave it behind and forget every battle
I fell hard off the horse, but now it’s back in the saddle
I’ve been shaken and rattled and tatoo’ed with the scars
That’s why it’s been so hard to let you in my heart
Cause I cover my arm and try to hide all the shame
Even a day a before mending, I was feeding on pain
But if you see me, I’ve changed, even though it still stings a bit
I just rhyme to release it since I can’t fucking sing to it
Never Bought It
May 16th
I hate the happy melodies and actually quite seldomly
Do I ever really smile at the happiness they sell to me
And everyone can yell at me and criticize and judge me
But the sum of all the masses will never move or budge me
I guess it’s just that one thing that I never could connect with
Even more specifically when it takes what makes me desperate
And it’s not much of confession when I say, in fact, I miss her
It really should be obvious when looking at this picture
Cause this fixture of my solace only comes so very rarely
Sometimes I make it well enough and sometimes it’s just barely
And I’m fairly, pretty sure enough that if I didn’t have it
The resulting consequence would be comparatively tragic
I imagine it’d be fun, though, if you crave a little drama
Watching someone fall apart as they lose their pride and honor
But this guy who was a goner has done a hundred eighty
Still, the time apart is tough cause I’m never one for waiting
Standing there and pacing and sitting and observing
Analyzing hands of time can be a bit unnnerving
I wouldn’t call it hurting, but a yearning and a wanting
To quell the loneliness I feel, the one that can be haunting
The one that can be daunting, a little tough to deal with
The feeling that I feel when I wish I didn’t feel it
And the only way to steal it is to put me in presence
The girl who makes it go away and to whom I write this sentence
Where’d the youthful stamina go?
May 15th
I remember the days when I didn’t have to worry about being out of breath or slow to get back into the groove of anything. I could run and play and frolic with no concerns whatsoever. What the hell happened to all of that?
Yesterday evening, I played a few games of 1-on-1 basketball against my roommate, James. Granted, it’s been almost ten months since I’ve played an actual game of basketball and my fractured rib still isn’t 100% healed, but that doesn’t make it any easier to swallow the results. We played three games and I lost all three. It wasn’t just rust, it was lack of stamina and a complete lack of comfort on the court that got me. I was a mess. I was out of breath and completely out of tune with my own body. It was almost embarrassing.
I miss those good old days. The days of being 16 and having infinite stamina and being completely invincible.
Bang On: Those Apple and Microsoft ads are annoying
May 14th
It’s a battle that’s been waged in the public arena for years now: Apple vs Microsoft. Now, it’s advertised as “Mac vs. PC”, but Macs are PCs so that nonsense should stop. Either way, though, Apple has been the top dog for a while, forcing Microsoft to back into a corner like a geek with a pocket full of money in the lunchroom of his elementary school. After taking a beating for years, Microsoft finally decided it had enough and launched its own campaign, first flaunting the uniqueness of PC owners and then moving on to how there’s a different PC for every individual out there as opposed to the more “one size fits all” approach that Apple takes. Apple claims that their competition will give you nothing but crashing, viruses, frustration and cancer while Microsoft claims that Macs are ridiculously overpriced, limited in variation, and slightly douchey (I can say that here).
Need a Dose
May 13th
Why’s it so hard to sort my thoughts?
There’s smiles and scars, then all gets lost
There’s not one source that’s strong enough
The straw I picked’s not long enough
So it all gets stuck and fades to dust
There’s been no pain; betray my trust
Tell me you love to hate my guts
Just tell me something, make it up
Cause I can’t sit up and pick it up
I try to write but then mix it up
If nothing breaks, can’t fix it up
I don’t have the skill to switch it up
Cause it’s fisticuffs or empty lines
I need the black to flood my mind
I need the red to cull my eyes
I need the pain to dull the lights
I need a dose of all those things
The painful hate and all it brings
It’ll make me write and make me sing
It’ll make me seek to dull the sting
Cause dullness stings and eats at me
It’s boring and can’t preach to me
The fighting is what speaks to me
So, I’ll fight the world or even me
Notes: Very fast paced. It’s meant to be a quick depiction of the feeling and thought, not an in-depth analysis.
