Archive for February, 2008

Stuck In Idle

0
4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Stuck In Idle (2/8/2008)

It’s kind of hard to think straight after reading your message
You would think through experience the pain would be lessened
But I’m always left guessing, with these thoughts in my mind
If it will ever be worth it or should I kill what’s inside
Cause this pride that I have is not immune to these beatings
Before it collapses beneath the weight of these feelings
You were stealing my breath away, now you’ve taken the reason
Maybe it’s dramatic, but the warmth’s turned to freezing
It’s not easy to open up to the world that’s been leaving
My nerves have been seizing up, I need liquor and bleeding
When the hope is left fleeting, I need to drown it right out of me
And let the haze of the memory just sit and weigh down on me
Cause this shit will stay bound to me, it’ll inspire my writing
But the words aren’t enough to just retire my crying
It’s like the higher we’re flying, the greater our fall will be
So, I’ll try to wash it away and you’re invited to fall with me
Cause nothing is all I’ll be and I’ll do it so perfectly
With a finger to the world and everything that’s been hurting me
Fuck walking so nervously with my heart on my sleeve
I’ll just swallow it up the more and harder I bleed
Cause it’s getting harder for me to be pleasant and cheery
When pain is the only thing that stems from those near me
It always turns bleary before I collapse under pressure
So, save all the bullshit, your compassion and lectures
Because every action is measured and mine can be spiteful
I’ll destroy what’s in me, every heart beat and mindful
I’m the guy stuck in idle with his hand on the kill switch
And there is nothing else out there that will easily fill this

A Letter To…Maria

0
4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

A Letter To…Maria (2/7/2008)

I’ve been putting this off so I could try to escape it
I hate it and, honestly, I would love to erase it
The pages I wasted while I sat in complacence
I was so dedicated, but your lips were so tasteless
And I couldn’t face this, the truth and the basis
That you came to me when there were no other faces
But then you replaced it when you took what was taken
I was left in the dark with the confusion and hatred
And I hated those places, the ones where I waited
Alone with the thoughts with which I often debated
I was lost and so jaded, down and never elated
Yet, I refused to give up and let it all turn to faded
But, now, I stand here unwavered with a strength in my soul
These words help console the sting that’s left from the hole
And I hope that you know that I can cope with the toll
I can stand here beside this and maintain all control

The words I don’t know, but the ones that I’ll say here
I hope they approach you in a way that will stay clear
I speak with no hate here, just a certain collectiveness
And I will be honest so I know that you’re getting this
Cause I’ve been wanting to vent this and make it all certain
That behind every flaw I had and behind every curtain
My purpose was driven by the fact that I liked you
And I was hoping to find out everything that we might do
But then I would fight you when you threw up the walls again
I would always imagine that you would love when I’d fall again
Yet I would answer the phone every time that you’d call again
And then I would curse you every time that you’d stall again
But, that wasn’t all, my friend, only now do I see it
That I knew that it wouldn’t work and I truly believed it
But when another girl would come and I needed a reason
I would use you to run to, the excuse that I needed

I really don’t exactly know what else I should say
So, I will end it with this and then I will go on my way
You and I were so similar, we were exactly the same
And maybe that’s the reason that you pushed me away
Still, I know through the pain and eternal confusion
In spite of stupidity and perhaps in delusion
I know I was good for you and maybe you knew it
And it would have been perfect if you would only go through it

Notes: I said I wanted to write about this to, hopefully, close that chapter of my life. I’m not even sure she’ll ever read this, but at least I said it.

Perpetrated Canvas

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4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Perpetrated Canvas (2/6/2008)

[verse 1]
Isolated paintings that reside inside this canvas
Thinner fumes can not erase the anything that’s happened
These brush strokes are the perpetrated acts of lonely arrogance
Fibers of the being that are colored in by passion

[pre-chorus]
So gaze on me
Just gaze on me…

[verse 2]
Stare upon the tears in flesh that shred and show the stitches
The visions of collections that will morph into these pictures
Random strokes of innocence that grow into these fissures
Crimson streams of bitterness are carved in by your scissors

[pre-chorus]
So gaze on me
Just gaze on me
Gaze on me
Put your gaze on me..

[chorus]
And watch me spill these colors out
Just watch them flow together
Criticize the blackest clouds
And laugh to make it better
Mix the oils of the pain and shatter ever canvas
And postulate the meaning of the ordinary standard
So, gaze on me
Won’t you gaze on me?

[bridge]
Lie
Lie
Lie
Lie…

[pre-chorus]
So gaze…
Just gaze on me…

[verse 3]
Recollect the artisans and elevate their message
Find pretentious meaning in your artificial guesses
Mold it to intelligence and whore out every lesson
Until the words of colors, in the end are fucking lessened

[pre-chorus]
So gaze on me
Wont you gaze on me?
Gaze on me
Never gaze on me…
Again

Notes: I haven’t done song lyrics in a very long time and I still want to avoid them as much as possible, but I was listening to a Tool song and I just wanted to experiment a little bit and break away from the standard poems.

For once, Capital One doesn’t piss me off

2
4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

My first credit card under my name was a Capital One card and, besides one Discover card that’s under my parents names and only to be used in emergencies, I’ve never felt compelled to carry any other cards. The thing is, I was never exactly a fan of Capital One, especially after they changed my monthly cut off date without giving me any notice (they did the same to my sister). That really bothered me and, to be honest, I’ve been procrastinating on getting a new card from a different company simply because that change in dates really screwed up my budget for two months.

Today, however, I get a letter in the mail from Capital One asking me to “Take the Challenge”. They ask for me to call up and answer a few questions and they’ll give me one free upgrade to my card. I was suspicious and expected to be bombarded with account protection and all of that nonsense. I wasn’t. No paid extras were ever even mentioned.

Instead, I talked to this very nice lady who asked me what my favorite aspect of my card was. I explained that the bonus points were probably the nicest benefit. As soon as I said that, she offered me a higher points pay out. Until now, I was receiving 1 point for every dollar I spent. Now, I’m going to be getting 3 points for every dollar spent and, as an added bonus, my credit limit was doubled to a cool $10,000. Well played, Capital One.

So, I’m not going to be switching credit companies, now. I figured that I bitch and moan enough about the world, that I could dedicate some time to giving kudos to a company when they do something right, for a change.

On a side note, I know I haven’t been writing many journal entries. With so many poems coming out of me, journals have sort of taken a back seat.

Apathetic Gluttons

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4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Apathetic Gluttons (2/3/2008)

Fuck you, all you greedy pigs and everything you take from me
This weight is so unbearable, it has me chained to slavery
You have your fucking way with me and extricate the answer
You assimilate it easily, yet you can not fake a pander
And so, for the sake of slander, but with concern for time
I’ll consolidate the hate I feel to one deserving tide
And if I cross the line, I’ll accept the very consequence
I’ll bear it all so readily with vowels and these consonants
Cause every where I got with this, this smile and compassion
I was crushed beneath your apathy for my personal detractions
You found the satisfaction in my patch work on your problems
But when I fell beneath my own, you weren’t there to solve them
You ignored them, you were bothered, you didn’t even ask me
You chose to turn your head away and easily walk past me
Suddenly, you’re fasting and need to get away from things
But sometimes it’s a sacrifice that is the way to pay for things
Like when everything decays for me and walls are closing inwards
When my chest is being weighed upon and breathing gets much thinner
I even wait on dinner to be there for you so readily
And I seem to do it well and I do it all so steadily
But sometimes when it swells in me, I wish you’d ask the question
And allocate concern for me and this thing that I’m distressed with
But I guess it’s just the best shit when there’s no reciprocation
So, fuck you if you’re reading this, this imperfect dissertation

Notes: It’s about all those people who come to me for help, but never once bother asking how I feel.

My Therapy

0
4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

My Therapy (2/2/2008)

I feel it in my veins, but I love how it itches
As it inches through me and tears apart these stitches
It’s blurring every vision with a red tinted mission
It’s the fucking prologue to the twenty third edition
While those boys go fishing for their power and their anger
I have a million versions in my closet on a hanger
Now, it’s a different day and yet it’s all the same
Though, sometimes it is missing, it is always in my brain
But I have it all contained and locked up in a cage
Rainy day funds for the day they have to pay
Cause I really love the hate and I love the way it plays
It’s the same refrain where the victim has to pray
And I’m told that I’m insane and addicted to the rage
Control is such a battle, but I do it every day
Cause I won’t be the same as I was in the past
This time I’m standing and I know that I can last
So think fast, you better pray for some lyrics
And hope that a spirit is listening to hear it
Cause I will never fear it when I am standing near it
And I will touch the flame then right away I’ll jeer it
So, revere these ballistics before you catch the sickness
There’s fire in this mind and I’m lighting up the hit list
So listen up you bitches, you better get a witness
Cause when I’m said and done, nobody here can fix this
And I will never miss this, jonesing for these chances
Fuck settling the differences and finding every answer
If this anger is a cancer, then writing is my therapy
And breaking up your spirit is my chemo in severity

Notes: The rhyme scheme is a little different that my normal work, but I missed this style of writing. To be honest, I heard someone I apparently have issues with is preparing a come back for “Without An Anthem” and I decided to be preemptive with my reply. It’s more fun that way and it really does invigorate something in me that I’ve been lacking.

Hard to Breathe

0
4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Hard to Breathe (2/1/2008)

There’s just too much of this shit trapped inside my mind
And I need to let it go so I can try to be alright
So let it cause a fight and let everybody leave me
Cause this weight upon this chest just makes it hard for breathing
It’s deceiving how these people always need to see me
When their problems have arisen and suddenly they need me
Cause every one was leaving and they were left for freezing
Though Chris will make it better and he’ll make it all go easy
But it’s sleazy and so selfish and I couldn’t make this clearer
This mirror has been breaking the more that you nearer
Do I steer or let go and return to being lonely?
Cause if I don’t have the answers, then nobody will know me

And I’m hoping it’s not showing, all this jealousy and envy
Weight is heavy in this silence and I pray that it won’t get me
I hate that it can tempt me to walk away from love again
But you always lay it on me when I’m afraid to trust again
So I might as well fuck up again and explain a little bit
That I want to know about you, I still do and always did
But, in honesty, I’m sick of pretending it won’t bother me
I can’t grin and bear it cause then it will move on with me
And every day you’re gone from me, I sit and think about it
The numbers of the people and yet I’m the one who’s doubted
I’m astounded by the fact that I can be so strong for you
But is weakness here acceptable or am I simply wrong for you?

Notes: I was going to write one more stanza about Maria, to sort of close that chapter, but I’m too tired and I’m still not sure what I want to say. I just thought it would be better to end it there and then explain the abrupt ending in these notes.

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