Archive for February, 2008

Thanks to my mom

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3 years ago
by bangbang023 in

For those of you who know me, I think I can handle it all. A situation has arisen lately and it’s spun out of control very very quickly. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I didn’t know what to do. Maybe it’s a bit lame or maybe it’s way overdue, but I finally sat down and asked my mom for her help and advice. Thanks to her for that. Because of her, I still have hope I can make this work.

Following the Love

0
3 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Following the Love (2/24/2008)

I don’t have a beat and I haven’t planned these lines
Cause, man, I’m really fine and I’m so relaxed inside
If it’s only for this time and if only for a minute
My entire past is finished and the pain is diminished
And you can witness me walk without carrying burdens
I’m free from the hurting and I feel so deserving
I spent my life learning and I never plan on stopping
Cause it got me to the point where all the hate is dropping
And falling from my shoulders, it was teetering and rocking
Then the smile that you wore, it woke me up and shocked me
In your ways, you got me to reach a higher pinnacle
I went from being cynical to glad to face the difficult
It’s emotional and physical, this change is unbelievable
If you asked me once about it, I would never deem it feasible
Some things in life are seizable, but this has all been gifted
I was sifted from the others and chosen to be lifted
I was picked up from the hatred, the darkness I was mixed in
Empty bottles and the scar tissue that clouded every vision
This most difficult of choices was the easiest decision
Embrace the love I feel and forget the doubts we’re given
Cause happiness in living means balancing the logic
With the passion that I feel and the warmth on which I’m locked in
Nobody else can stop him or her or me or us
Sometimes, just close your eyes, and follow love and trust

Notes: It’s about acknowledging a blessing and realizing that sometimes, even if it may seem to be the most foolish decision in the world, you have to close your eyes and follow what’s in your heart. Maybe that’s a bit cliched, but that’s ok with me.

I just want to talk

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3 years ago
by bangbang023 in

I feel like talking. Since no one is online that’s worth talking to, you guys get stuck with me. You can thank me later in the form of monetary compensation.

Life has been a roller coaster, lately. I met this girl (as should be quite evident by my poems), but, as always with me, it’s a complicated situation. I’m not sure many people would understand it and it’s one which is going to require a lot of time to make work. The funny thing is, though, I’m ok with that. Maybe it’ll fail miserably or maybe it’ll work amazingly well. However things end up, though, I’m glad I’m taking the risk. It’s hard to describe the feeling, but it makes me feel young again (I’m only 24, but shut up). When we’re young, we’d fight the world for what we feel is in our hearts. I’ve sort of lost that in recent years, but it’s back again. Maybe I’ll be labeled an outcast or perhaps people will understand it in some odd way, but I’m willing to face it, one step at a time. For now, though, I’m just going to focus on the present and on the two of us. Sometimes, a smile and a hug are worth all the stress they could inevitably bring along.

Work has been just as up and down. If you know me, you know that when I like a girl, I can be hit by it pretty badly, one way or another. We’ve had a few rough spots and this Wednesday morning, for instance, was one of them. Unfortunately, for me, I also had to work that morning. I wound up leaving early because I was just sick to my stomach. I rarely let anything ever affect me to the point where I can’t hide it, but some things just really really sting.

Anyways, work has been interesting even outside the scope of my personal feelings. My close friend, Anthony, was promoted to Supervisor of the department I work in. First of all, congratulations to him. It’s a weird adjustment, though. I went from working with him to working for him. I’m trying to make it as easy as possible for him, however, by trying to fall directly in line. He’s a respectful leader, so it’s not like I’m doing something I wouldn’t normally do, but I know that I need to help him out a bit as he tries to get the other guys to see him as more than an equal. It’s a tough spot to be in and, as a friend, I want to help as much as possible. In return, he’s looking to me to be his right hand man. Yep, looks like I’m finally going back to the status I had in Home Theater of being the go to guy.

All in all, life has been hectic. I’m trying to deal with my own problems while still being there to help others. Oddly enough, my horrible track record with relationships is coming to use now as I try to help out a few friends of mine, including Joe. I don’t get to help him much outside of the technology realm, so it’s kind of important for me to pool all my failure together and extract every lesson possible from it so I can share them with him. I’m also trying to help two other people with relationship problems. Funny, huh? The guy who hasn’t had any success with love in four years until right now is the one people are turning to. Either I’m doing something right with my advice or people are insane.

Beyond The Cover

0
3 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Beyond The Cover (2/22/2008)

Can you see past the cover and through the eyes
To a point where you find the truth inside
There’s no use in lies in these situations
But patience is thinned by these accusations
Your judgment is taken without much purpose
And you’re certain of what’s behind these curtains
Your dreams and curses and thoughts of doubt
Born without ground and not worth the sound
Cause I’ve found that I just can’t take this
I try to be complacent, but, man, I hate this
I’ve not seen your faces and all vice versa
Yet you tend to think that I can only hurt her

Please don’t get me wrong, I can see your logic
But, honest to god, can’t we all just stop it
Let’s cut the nonsense and take a breath
Then let’s take this mess and put it laid to rest
Cause I ain’t the best, but I’ve paid my debts
Though I’ll save the rest for this pain filled chest
You may hate the set, but you’re not on stage
This road is mine and I’ve paid the way
And I’ve made my way to be someone better
I can stand the storm and outlast the weather
But I’m really fed up that actions don’t speak for me
They scream the truth that it’s never done easily
But everything I seem to be is everything invented
I hate assumptions, but I love to vent it
You think you’re better and you think you get it?
I think you’re wrong with every step and sentence

Quietly Aflame

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3 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Quietly Aflame (2/20/2008)

The words you don’t speak can tear through my soul
They quickly take control until they tear a hole
I can bear through the cold, but not unspoken silence
The mind wanders to places of heart break and violence
You can find this in my chest, behind the rivers that flow
Behind the crimsons of love and the blues of untold
Watch it unfold with every hurt filled contraction
A nervous reaction to what’s dreamt that has happened
It’s done in this fashion, like an edge to the left side
You can see in this chest I don’t carry a best lie
I feel like a mess, I’ve been broken by quiet
Those whispers of nothing, who told you to try it?

I’d hold you the highest while I drowned in this fire
You know the truth that I’d hold you much higher
I just hope you aspire to sit on this mountain
Look down at mistakes, those left where we found them
And drown them away with the warmth of this flame
A spark in the hole where a heart took it’s place
I’d want it to stay if I could hold you today
And see through the silence that owns you in vain
But, I know it’s name, this disciple of pain
Imagine a world that could flow through your veins
Then light it aflame and imagine it splinter
And know it’d be saved by the sound of a whisper

Notes: It’s supposed to be convoluted.

Expectations

0
3 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Expectations (2/18/2008)

I’m in this situation and I don’t know what I’m doing
I wear a mask of confidence, but I don’t find it soothing
It’s moving to hear her voice and then I see her picture
The image, like a fixture, every time I feel I miss her
But as the scripture of my life, there’s chaos in this mixture
A million complications that are growing to this fissure
I only want to give her everything she’s ever needed
But I’m scared to get addicted to this feeling of completion
I have a hundred pieces, these shards of broken promises
And knowledge of the memories of everywhere I got with this
I was honestly quite shocked with this when I came to see it
Reality has reasons, but I guess I don’t believe it
So, I seized the opportunity, well I guess that’s just a lie
Admittedly, I fought with it, and tried my best to hide
I prayed the restful tides would make me realize
That I had to flip the switch, for the sake of both our lives
But in the face of hope and pride, I couldn’t make the choices
In reality, I chose this, and there’s no way to avoid this
I just have to shun the voices of doubt and condescension
Enough to let her through so I can talk about intentions
Cause I hold on to disgression, but I need to say it candidly
There’s confidence in hoping that you’ll be understanding me
That I really want to hold you and I want to make it perfect
I just want to take it easy, ’til we both know that it’s worth it
Cause we’re living in this circus, and the roads of past are broken
Unsure of where we’re going, but silently I’m hoping
That I’ll be the best for you and I’ll meet your expectations
And maybe, for a moment, we’ll forget these hesitations

Notes: It’s about the nervousness of being exposed and unsure if you can live up to the expectations a special someone may have of you.

Pressure Fuse

0
3 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Pressure Fuse (2/15/2008)

It’s time to put my foot down and stand tall when I look down
To see your fucking faces, I wonder what you took now
I’m feeling so much pressure to be some fucking new clown
I know it’s such a new sound to have someone turn you down
But I’ll sit by while you drown, there’s just smoke in your lungs
I hope that it’s fun and you pull through when it’s done
But don’t be so stunned that I won’t be beside you
I tried to explain it but it’s like it won’t find you
You continue on just right through and you never respect it
Every sentence that is here, I bet you didn’t expect it
Well, this is the message full of compassion and love
Fuck you for trying to get me on every one of your drugs
Cause I’m not giving up, but I’m annoyed and I’m bugged
That you never fucking drop it. Are you really that dumb?
Are you really that stuck on being something generic?
For you it might be good enough, but I’m not that pathetic

The point of this rant in this broken delivery
Is to make it so clear, through my anger and misery
That the pressure you’re giving me to inhale just a bit
Is basically shit and it’s been making me sick
And it’s taken me six, or maybe seven or eight
Or maybe it’s nine times to get this rhyme straight
But I know that my ways and my reasons and choices
Are simply stronger than you and your pressuring voices
So, it’s best to avoid this and just drop every topic
Cause I sit like a bomb ready to forcibly stop it
So, turn on your conscious and then learn to respect it
Before this hatred spills over and I turn to eject it

Notes: This is to the few people who have been trying to convince me to do something I simply don’t want to do. One of these people, in particular, is someone special and it really hits a nerve to have them not respect my decisions, time and time again.

Staind “Mudshovel” Video

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3 years ago
by bangbang023 in

I can’t believe I have never posted this video on the site before. It’s one of my favorite songs and describes how I’m feeling this afternoon pretty well.

Your Omissions

1
3 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Your Omissions (2/11/2008)

I’ve been trying to write this with the perfect words
To express the confusion and the smiles and hurt
But to observe and understand this, you need to feel it
I’d reveal it, but honestly, I’d much rather conceal it
Cause this feeling that I hold would have to be caution
I’ve been through it all and I’ve traveled the gauntlets
Enough that this warrants just a little concern
So, I’ll introvert this love until it burns every nerve
And, then in spite and in turn, I’d destroy my own spirit
Self destruction is easy if there’s no reason to fear it
I’m peerless, in ways, and it’s tough to be hopeful
When you conceal every truth and hope it’s not focal

What I’m attempting to say is that I’m trying my best here
I just wish I could phrase it so I’d make all the rest clear
Cause we didn’t get here without a certain connection
One that allows us to see the hurt in reflection
And I see it in you and and your omissions of truth
Like the guy, one of many, that you wish was with you
I was pissed, but in truth, it’s my admission to you
It knocked me down hard and broke my vision of you
And in this instance of truth, I’ll admit that it hurt me
Absurdly, I had thought that nobody could burn me
But it spurned me to retreat and put up the walls again
It turned me to the guy afraid that he’ll fall again
It swerved me to the left, breaking it all again
Unnerved me at best, but I won’t pray it all to end
Cause funny as all this is, I’d go through it all again
If it gives me a chance to be special and more than friends

Blessed Strength

0
3 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Blessed Strength (2/9/2008)

On this roller coaster, of sorts, there is only one constant
That I keep in my pocket to get through the nonsense
And honest to God, I could never just block this
I love it too much to be able to stop this
Cause when the fumes of these rockets fucking enter ignition
And the heat of the flames makes its way through my system
It’s a wave of nutrition and I can take every symptom
As long as the high lasts and strengthens my vision
In the heat of division and in this moment of battle
When the world falls arounds me, but I feel so unrattled
I’d be willing to travel so you can see my eyes tattle
Exposing my hatred for your waste and your prattle
Cause I don’t need any paddle to fucking fight every current
When I discover the truths that will never be, weren’t
This elixir, I stir it, and then I drink like a glutton
Turning nothing to something at just the push of a button
When I’m feeling disgusted and broken and lied to
I control the exhaust only because that I like you
Cause if I were to fight you, I would lose what I’ve needed
And I’d be fucking foolish to lie down and concede it
So, time out, chance for breathing, let’s get back to the center
I’ll use the strength from the anger to make everything better
I only control this because I know that you’re worth it
This anger’s a blessing when it can hold such a purpose

Notes: I’m talking about how strengthening the anger can feel, but how I also know I need to control my temper and channel that energy towards something positive.

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