A trip inside the heart and mind.
Archive for January, 2008
World Could Hate Me
Jan 30th
World Could Hate Me (1/30/2008)
I’m feeling so tired as thoughts wear my mind out
Screams kept inside where nobody can find out
Admissions of weakness, the weight keeps on building
Words never spoken until they have killed me
Cause life has just filled me with so many riddles
I hold so much pain, but I show just a little
I’m caught in the middle of love and the hatred
Unspoken thoughts that have never seen pages
But, I’m losing patience, I don’t want to hold this
I’m ready to snap, but I don’t want to blow this
I try to be strong, but I can not control this
It’s best to let go and just pray it’s not hopeless
It starts on the outside with roots in her beauty
Doubts of my own that are flowing right through me
I see every picture in this light of reflection
But what does she see? It’s just my imperfection
A broken down smile and eyes that are weary
Windows to lies that are cold, never teary
Emotionless holes that conceal every feeling
Exposing a soul that is battered and kneeling
Praying to God for a whole new persona
Wishing she’d know that I just want to hold her
And crying inside that I want to look better
While fighting the mind that says I can’t get her
Beyond the facade lie the doubts of a heart
That is scared to believe and afraid to restart
It’s been tattoo’ed with scars that can swell in disgust
And make me afraid of this love and this trust
They’re wounds that can cut and alter a mind set
There’s so much to lose and she’s not even mine yet
I think that she’s true and pray she’s not lied yet
Cause so many have, though I’ve not seen the signs yet
But I am reminded of every past failing
The times that I trusted and thought it was sailing
When derailing lies would crush me and break me
And make me believe that the whole world could hate me
Notes: It’s about the doubts I have concerning who I am, inside and out. Maybe it’s a bit vain to think about it, but I’m being honest here. As for the poem itself, I struggled and bit and actually deleted another 12 lines because I think it’s better to end abruptly than use filler content that really doesn’t contribute to the feeling of the piece.
Without An Anthem
Jan 28th
Without An Anthem (1/28/2008)
It’s not very often I succumb to the rage, kids
I tend to be mature when I come to these pages
But it’s so outrageous, this feeling is contagious
I need to do this right, fuck maturity and patience
You’re words are fucking weightless, they only seek attention
Little kids without a skill and not much of disgression
Saying stupid things that they simply shouldn’t say
Because you never know when this skill will come your way
And my words will fill your grave, oh it’s so insane
I’m flying in my skill and you’re a grade below “okay”
You pray to know the fame, but listen Jon and Mike
You’re memory will fade without a song or fight
And in spite of wrong or right, I will come and steal your light
You may have a shitty beat, but, man, my flow is tight
Just like the holes at night, when Jon’s spooning next to Mike
You little flaming faggots, put down the hopeless mic
You down to know this, Mike? Oh wait, I hear it’s Magnum
Another white rapper without a clue or anthem
Throwing fucking tantrums, cause no one cares to notice
Or listen to the flow of a man without a scrotum
But Jon is on his totem pole, licking off the roaches
It’s such a touchy topic, but someone should approach this
You guys are seen together and we think we got the point now
But if Johnny is the girl, does that make Mike the boy now?
Are you feeling so annoyed now? Can I laugh and point now?
Beaten by my flow and, well, your’s looks like a toy now
Go run away like boys, now, and think before you speak again
And hypothesize the outcome of getting smacked and beat again
Notes: No one gets to attention whore at the expense of someone I care about.
When You’re Ready
Jan 27th
When You’re Ready (1/27/2008)
I know that I am strong, but sometimes I need a rest
A place to lay my head and a warmth inside my chest
I’ve given, more or less, from every fiber of my being
I’ve held on to the words, but they don’t match what I’m seeing
Your lips move in ways that I simply do not understand
Confusion shatters every dream of what I had never planned
Now, I can not feel your hand and I can not see your face
Cause you left me here alone as you quickly pulled away
And I hate the way this feels and I hate it’s in my writing
It kills me to admit that I’m praying I’ll stop rhyming
Maybe if the words stop, then so will all my thinking
Every letter holds a weight and I can’t take what it’s bringing
But it’s ringing in my head, I hear the past that I hold singing
A history of patterns that would illustrate the pinging
I’m swinging on the edge and I’m giving up on balance
You would think it’d be the same, you would think there’d be a callous
I’m so sick of writing pain and I’m sick of all the anguish
If I had the magic words, all this shit would be left vanquished
Left behind to fade in a past, forgotten day
Where memories are broken and just left to rot away
So what’s left that I could say? Words I’ll say directly
I would be the best for you and you would be the one to get me
From the very day you met me, I knew it was important
The past all fell away: All the pain and those I fought with
The confusion that you call this, you can say you’ll never know
But I already do and I will always let it show
Every ounce of confidence that’s ever hit my blood stream
Tells me I should be the one and tells me you should love me
It tells me that I’m strong enough and tells me that I’m lucky
It also tells me readily that simple doubts are nothing
I could be the best for you if you would ever simply let me
And all you have to do is take my hand and say you’re ready
Notes: I just need to figure out a way to prove it to her.
Sharing These Lessons
Jan 24th
Sharing These Lessons (1/24/2008)
These are my words to you, but for the world to read
An explanation of things that should be heard and seen
I’m typing nervously, I kind of have to admit it
But I will keep typing until I’m happy and finished
It’s a tragedy, listen, and there’s also heroics
A tale of this dreamer in the words of this poet
Things felt so hopeless and I caved to the pressure
Beneath all the rubble and the weight of the lectures
My ways weren’t measured, I’d emote without thinking
Out of control and I’d know the sound sinking
The walls falling in as I would turn to the blade
It’s a nervous cliche, but I would turn to the pain
And I would hurt me the same, but keep it external
Scars on the arm unlike the soul that’s eternal
Sleeves left to cover the wounds of the battle
While I wore the facade of the cool and unrattled
But a fool in the saddle, I was losing my mind
Blood for the world and the bruising inside
A shoulder’s been lost to display all that pain
And that was the cost to still stay the same
It’s been over four years, though, since I’ve made a scar
I’m so fucking weak, but I’ve still come so far
I’ve lost from the heart and put up my walls
Bricks to protect, but one’s that should fall
I’ve been breaking it all, I’ve been making this better
That moment you called placed the dream of together
My engine had stalled, but now it’s all moving
A heart beat inside to ignite what I’m doing
And I find your eyes soothing, there’s beauty in there
That’s why I do what I do, it’s because that I care
And the cause of that care is the love that I feel
And because I’m not there, the words must be real
So I’ll tell you the deal when I think that you’re wrong
I respect you so much, so I know I’ll be strong
Some things that you do, I just don’t agree with
It’s not that I’m mad or an asshole to be with
It’s just that I see this and know it won’t help you
The chaos of life and temptation it sells you
The pain that I fell through, I pray it won’t find you
I’d much rather lose you than see it inside you
So I’ll be there beside you, for strength when you need it
With love and respect and the heart there beneath it
I hope that you see this. I hope you believe it
I hope that you know that this love is the reason
That I won’t be leaving, I’ll stay with you, waiting
Helping you through all your sadness and hating
Enjoying the smiles and I’ll never give up
On getting you through or the love that’s within us
Notes: This is a retelling of a conversation I had a few nights ago. Basically, I just want her to find her happiness and I know that sometimes I’ll have to say things she maybe doesn’t want to hear, but it’s because I care for her and I’d much rather risk screwing things up with her than bite my tongue and watch her go through some of the bad things I had to go through. I want her to be happy, with or without me.
Base Over Attic
Jan 23rd
Base Over Attic (1/23/2008)
I try to take a break so I can write from the mind
But you consume every thought in every moment of time
These thoughts are potently mine and I’m hoping I’m fine
I just tend to ramble on about what’s flowing inside
Though, I know it’s alright because I feel so alive
These doubts and confusion could never break up the rhyme
I’m just doing these lines while I behave like an addict
Your beauty is the image that can break through the static
And it’s what happens when a guy falls base over attic
Life gets a little bit crazy and these thoughts get erratic
But it’s so automatic for me to see through pollution
To dispell every thought that’s been wrought with confusion
And the solution is for me to speak without the poetics
Maybe I’ll break up the flow, perhaps I’ll trip in the sentence
But every single time my phone rings, I pray that it’s you
It’s kind of pathetic, but what I’m saying is true
Cause I’m so crazy for you, look what you made me go do
Writing down these cliches, I’ll even say “Baby” for you
The old me hates that it’s true, but the new man is better
I can even stay strong when there’s doubts of together
And every ounce of this letter, every vowel and noun
These are twenty four lines full of a truth to resound
Cause if there’s truth to be found, it’s that you’ve taken my heart
And filled it with a love that can’t be taken apart
Notes: I’ve almost felt a little guilty writing only about the ups and down involving love and such, lately. However, I realized that this is what my life is about right now and there’s no shame in it, so, I just thought I’d write about it again and be a little bit cheesy with it. What can I say? She does that to me.
Exposed and Vacant
Jan 22nd
Exposed and Vacant (1/22/2008)
My head is a maze to get lost in for days
I over think the world too often for sane
I’d walk in the rain if it would burn through the haze
The itch in my nerves has now turned to a craze
But I learned from the rage, through turning the page
That this is the world and it all hurts the same
These words are my veins and I’ll always bleed through them
I use them, in a way, to cool them and soothe them
Cause through them I pour every ounce of my being
Whether hate for the world or tears for those leaving
They’re the silence in which I am always found screaming
The rhyming to which my heart is pounding and beating
They’re the tale that I tell, my story and breathing
Memories left behind for all of your reading
The pages of love and the lines of deceiving
And tears for a few who reside with the leaving
And, believe me, it’s tough to be so open and honest
I’ll get scared to the point I’ll get nauseous and vomit
I’m so cautious and modest, but sometimes I fall hard
When your hand pulls away, in a way that we’ll call scarred
When every wall falls hard and I’m left in the open
Are you with me tonight? Am I stupid for hoping?
Friends go away and love leaves me vacant
So I turn to the page and bare it all naked
Yesterday Told Me
Jan 18th
Yesterday Told Me (1/18/2008)
My footprints are cast in this melted concrete
Warmed by the anger that’s simply got me
You can’t stop me tonight, it’s me and my hatred
Venom in veins that are too sick to take this
Comatose, faithless, and a little impatient
I work to the bone, but it seems like I waste it
The rage, I can taste it, I’m too weak to face it
It consumes every thought until everyone’s faceless
Like this kid that I hate, that one on her mind
The one I don’t know, but I hate down inside
A hate found in pride, a face bound in mind
It’s one to erase, my faith drowned in time
As I raced down the line and chased every sign
Love behind steel, it’s the gates of my eyes
The tape of the lies that I faced in my life
A forecast of pain that replays in my mind
As I take the design of this perfect connection
My mind mixes in all the hurt and rejection
‘Til I see her with him and I curse this dejection
I know every word in this verse, this infection
And at worst, this direction, will leave me so lonely
But that’s like a death to all those who know me
Love in a heart, but a nightmare to hold me
Tonight I could die cause yesterday told me
Notes: I trust her, but my mind won’t stop producing the worst case scenario to play over and over again for me to watch. It sucks.
A guy and a girl
Jan 17th
If you bother to read my poems, you’ll notice there’s a love interest in my life. To be honest, it was really something unexpected and the situation is, as always, very complicated, but I’m trying my best to make it work out. I’m not always sure how she feels, though I know my feelings are reciprocated, at least somewhat, and it does feel kind of nice.
In the short time we’ve known each other, she’s already taught me how to be more optimistic. Yes, me, of all people is trying to see the glass half full, for once. It’s a bit of a struggle, at times, but it’s worth it and a nice change of pace. I only hope that I can positively impact her life in the same way she has mine because she really is a great person and good people deserve better. It sounds a bit cliche, but, oh well.
The one thing really making this tough is the damn winter weather. Here in New York, it’s gets brutally cold and it tends to make people very lethargic. Plus, how much can you do if you can’t be outside? Movies, dinner, and what else? I’m not exactly a creative guy, but I want to do things like walks on the beach, a trip to the botanical garden, and maybe even a trip to Yankee stadium, but you need warm fucking weather for that. I don’t know why I felt like cursing there, but I did, so I did.
Other than that, I’m just trying to take things in stride. I’m a guy who hates not knowing what’s going to happen and it’s really sabotaged me, in the past. I’m trying to remain in the moment, for now, and just enjoy the time I do get to spend with her. It’s been almost three weeks since we hung out, though, and we probably won’t be able to hang out until next week, sometime. God, the wait sucks.
That’s about it, for now. Thanks to Priscilla for giving me some time when I’ve let stupid things get to me and needed to get away from it for a bit. Much appreciated.
Battered Again
Jan 14th
Battered Again (1/14/2008)
The fire turns to apathy before the flame ignites again
It’s taking every ounce of strength to stifle every fight, my friend
I know I wasn’t right again, but is this fucking worth it?
I feel the rage inside again, I fucking hate the purpose
Cause I’m certain that I’ve tried my best, I swear it with a passion
What else do you need from me and what is this attraction?
Mine isn’t superficial, mine is rooted in compassion
I swear I fucking care for you, so tell me what has happened
Cause your actions fucking tear me up, screaming, shaking, cursing
I only want you next to me, I could never think you’d verse me
But every time you hurt me and throw me to the side again
The bruises hurt a little more, a scar inside the mind again
And I think I’m gonna die again, well, maybe less dramatic
I’m fading from the world again, my voice replaced by static
The guy who never had it, I’ve kept coming back for more again
I think you’re fucking worth it, but I feel like such a whore again
Cause you’re closing every door again, leaving me here freezing
I told you I would always stay, but you’re the one who’s leaving
I know this life is crazy and I know how bad it hurts
But I really think without you, this life would only get much worse
So pardon every curse, well, I hope you understand it
I’ll gladly take the beatings for as long as I can stand it
I never want to hurt you, so I just don’t comprehend it
Why is it that you hurt me? What can I do to end it?
What can I do to mend it and smother hate for once again?
Where can I go to find you and hold you in the sun again?
I want to be the one again, I’ll do it battered, broken
I’ll take the god damn beating and I’ll drink the magic potion
Notes: It’s a battle to balance the corrosive anger and frustration while trying to remain determined to make things work. Sadly, I know it’s all worth it, so I’ll keep coming back for more.
Morning Call
Jan 13th
Morning Call (1/13/2008)
She tries to sleep beneath a thousand wicked dreams
Memories are at her door and no one hears her scream
She wonders what it means and if it’s what it seems
She prays it goes away, but does she hate what she has seen?
Cause she’s cracking at the seams, please just go away
She begs the world to leave her so she can cry and pray
Will she be fine one day or must love and pride all fade?
Are there any answers out there for the pain inside today?
Cause the hate inside her veins is corroding at her soul
She can not close the door and she can not gain control
And she’s falling in a hole as she’s dragged back in this time
Recollecting every thought that’s ever made her cry
And all she’ll say is “Why?” as these tears fall from inside
What happened to the hope she had? What happened to her life?
Sleep is such a scary thought, sleep will make her die
And sleep will never come to her nor ever make her right
He holds the phone pressed to his ear and listening with passion
Unable to resolve the pain, so helpless through inaction
There’s never satisfaction in the pain inside a heart
But the agony is greater when it’s love and they’re apart
And now every word he starts, she just pushes to the side
Determined to be stronger now, but he’s so weak inside
He’d scream if he could try, but he needs to keep composure
Cause all he has are words, he’s too far away to hold her
But he hopes what he had told her, the words that she rejected
Will permeate a little bit and help her stay protected
He feels so damn dejected, though, cause nothing’s going right
He only wants to lay with her and help to make her right
But she fell too late tonight and he’s running out of time
Life is catching up to him and burns at him inside
He needs to say goodbye as she falls back to her dreams
He wishes he could fall with her, he prays that it can be