Archive for December, 2007

Please Believe Me (12/31/2007)

I’m like a little boy sometimes, just screaming for attention
I force you all away from me, but really want retention
I sit alone right here tonight with tears upon my eyes
For the world I never see, because of everything I hide
And as I’m breaking down inside, now I’ll cry it out for you
How every single step I make is filled with doubt right through
I hate the silence of my mind in this room that’s closing in
I want to fall asleep sometimes and hold it all within
But the truth of all the facts is that I’m simply scared to give in
I cry, but dream a million things and pray that they’ll be given
But I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m losing all ability
To control the world right now and it’s slowly fucking killing me
I want to wash it all away, I need to go escape it
I need to know just what I have and then appreciate it
The only thing that’s good right now is what I’m most afraid of
Attachment to a person, hell, some would even say…

I think you get the picture, I’m so fucking sick of this
I’m always running blindly and my luck’s so fucking thin
I really need the anger and the walls I used to hide in
I’m way too fucking open and it feels like I am dying
Barely breathing as I’m crying while pounding at this keyboard
I hate what I’m afraid of and I hate that I can’t be sure
Fear is leaving me sore and secluded from a beauty
The smile on the face of the girl that’s run right through me

And here’s the part where strength comes in, I’ll take another stand
I’ll fight my way right through this, I’ll make you understand
I really am the man I say and the one who could protect you
The friend who’s there to help you out and never to upset you
I’m the guy who’s weak but strong enough to manage when you’re crying
The one who likes you so damn much, the truth’s in what I’m hiding
I’m more fucked up than most of them, but I’ll try my very best
To prove to you and everyone that I’m stronger than the rest
Cause even if my chest is hurt and even if I’m doubting
Even if the fear is here and I’m crying cause it’s shouting
I’ll fight my way right through it to be there when you need me
I just need you to see it and I need you to believe me

Notes: There’s two sides of this. First, it’s just that I stay so closed that when I finally open up, all the shit comes pouring out and usually ruins everything and forces me to close up again. I want to end it this time. I want to control the flow so I can keep something good and not screw it all up as I always do. Secondly, it’s about asking a certain person, but also people in general, to believe me that I’m strong. Sometimes, you just need someone to believe in you. Do they?

How To Word It? (12/31/2007)

I don’t know why I’m writing, I lack the rhyme and reason
Who knows? Maybe it’s these feelings or maybe it’s the season
We’re sitting here and freezing, but I never really feel it
I just pray it never ends and that reality won’t steal it
Cause I feel it my chest as I expose to you my heart
And everything begins when you glance upon my scars
The alarms in my head that tell me I’m addicted
And there’s such a chance of pain, but, still, I want to risk it
Cause I’m sickened of the way that I always used to be
I’m trying to move slow, but you’re flowing now through me
You’re up and down through me, I’m devastated, but I’m lifted
Everything is spinning and I need to try and sift it
But I simply can not fix it cause I can’t believe it’s broken
I fell long before I said it, before we both had spoken
Was it really better hopeless or just see the dream and grab it
And hold it next to me through the happiness and sadness

God, it’s tragic to think of the time I spend here thinking
Thoughts of you to lift me while the real world leaves me sinking
I’m afraid to even kiss you, but temptation always hits me
I love it when it does, but I pray you’re right there with me
And I hope you understand that the slowest pace I’m crawling
Is done so for a reason, to help us both from falling
If everything was perfect, I’d forever taste your lips
If everything was perfect, you’d stay with me like this
If everything was perfect, I would be with you right now
Another year has passed, but our lives begin right now
There’s so much left to say but I don’t know how to word it
Except for me to say that you’re amazing and you’re perfect

Notes: The flow is kind of broken at points, but I needed to sort my thoughts a bit, anyway. I think part of it is contemplative about a situation while another part is me being apologetic for maybe moving a little more slowly than is wanted of me.

Fighting The Trend (12/29/2007)

I know that I’ll get through this eventually
But I’m just not sure it’ll be done successfully
Because stuff gets to me when I know that it shouldn’t
It always plays the same though I said that it wouldn’t
And this is where I lock up and forget what to say
I just go over the facts and then watch them decay
This mind is a stage for my anger and hate
With jealousy in the spotlight in these recent few days
I know I need it soon: change. I just need to relax a bit
And say thanks for what I have and then simply fall back to it
There’s really a knack to it, the way I constantly fuck up
But I need to stay strong and let this jealousy shut up
Cause anything that’s been dug up just doesn’t belong here
I need to bury it again and stay vibrant and strong here
This situation is complicated, but I want to face it
For that moment in the rain, oh god I can taste it
So, I need to stay patient and remember the details
I was the one there, there’s no reason that we’ll fail
Optimism is difficult, though I will fight to embrace it
Because that feeling was pure, this respite makes me patient
Though my mind tries to hate it, this heart keeps on beating
And so long as it does, I won’t be crying or leaving
In a world where my feelings can be harsh and deceiving
You give me truth and a smile and a fuel for believing
And now I feel it all leaving, the doubt and the envy
I will fight for what I want, my own fairy tale ending
Wounds keep on mending and one day I will beat this
And then look into your eyes and realize that I need this

Notes: It’s a little rough around the edges, but I just woke up, so that’s to be expected. It’s about constantly trying to remind myself that I have to fight through my issues to get what I want. I can’t give up.

Right Through Me (12/26/2007)

Today, the sky was gray, but that’s really okay
When there’s so much down here to put a smile on this face
The place and the time and the sky and these lives
None of it matters and it’s not on my mind
And for a moment I’m fine and loose from the burdens
I’m not angry or sad or anxious or nervous
The purpose of this day was to realize appreciation
And to stick to a path with no kind of deviation
So, hold back the litigation and silence your concerns
Just let me enjoy the high of these words
Warmth and emotion met in someone beautiful
It’s not an every day event. For me, it’s quite unusual
But, really, it can soothe a soul, if only for a moment
I’ll take advantage of the time and hold it while I own it
Cause my focus is set right and I’m free from confusion
This smile’s more than a dream and it’s not just an illusion
And it’s more than a delusion, this happiness is sober
More so when it was, but even past to when it’s over
My shoulder blades are lifted and every weight’s suspended
It’s almost as though my very ways have been upended
Cause I’ve ascended into blissfulness, risen to a smile
If only for a little bit, it’s been a precious while
Freedom like a child and warmth found in the beauty
It’s the most perfect kind of smile that she has run right through me

Two To Share (12/23/2007)

So, I’m sick of feeling this depressed
Let’s alleviate this from my chest
Take a gulp and gasp for breath
Now jump right in and go for death
Cause the best way is to never care
Throw one to the world, got two to share
I’ll force my way right through the glare
Until I see you standing there
Then take a second, I’ll take you in
And think about just where you’ve been
And where I’ve gone and what’s within
Then close my eyes and let’s begin
Cause I’m sick of thinking, tired of crying
I’m worn within and scared of fighting
The old me worked, the new one’s dying
If only now, it’s what I’m fine with
I’ll settle for it in this second
A breath of strength will leave me strengthened
These days are long, you leave them lengthened
But I don’t mind you when you beckon
And so I reckon, wait, what was that?
A damn old word and I take it back
I simply love it when you call me
And through this stress, you leave me falling
Into you and through this world
All reason’s lost as this unfurls
One lone guy spins as he twirls
With blackened nails up to the world

Notes: Another fast paced one. I actually wrote it quickly, too. This is just me temporarily leaving behind everything that’s been bugging me and saying “fuck it” to the world in an empowering, rebellious way. It’s simple, but so is the feeling.

Hello, Street Light (12/21/2007)

It’s early, the sun’s asleep, but you’re right there waiting
Your unwavering guidance can be so illuminating
Lights for the minds of those confused and debating
We’re talking or thinking or quiet or praying
Walking the pavement streets to our destinations
No step ever falters to this mind’s hesitations
My deliberations that I battle with patience
Are all illuminated by your eery complacence
Your faceless, but famous and without you I’d be lost
You always show me the way, never regarding the cost
Just waiting for the sun to come and give you a break
While I struggle within with everything that I take
And I hate the fact that I take advantage of you
I know not to expect too many answers from you
You’re so simple in ways and share what’s handed to you
Yet, in the hum of your presence, I still demand it from you
And I don’t care if it’s true, I just need to share my dilemma
Of how I got to here and how it needs to be better
The feeling inside that I can never really get her
It’s draining me out, it’s hard to keep it together
So remember that these are my silent confessions
Your guiding white spot light is your own silent message
Thank you for being there, the truest of friends
With the light that you give and the questions I send

Notes: It’s shorter than I had hoped. The imagery for this one came to me while I was walking to work yesterday, thinking about a few things that have been bothering me, lately. I looked up and saw one of the many street lights along the way from the train station to the place I work at and it dawned on me that this very lamp is always there. Maybe it sounds stupid or weird, but this is just based off of that.

Peace Treaty (12/21/2007)

I’ll sit and hold the anger and hatred
Eliminating traces of hate on these pages
Mistrust, misplaced it, take time and see
That there’s really good down inside of me
Still, I find and see and hear and observe
The facts of the matter, you really have nerve
What I deserve is a chance to explain this
Paint this through, let’s not complicate this
I know you hate this and you see the difference
Multiply by this and divide the interest
Life flies in inches and we’re on the edge
Let’s all step back and let’s talk like friends
Let’s walk the trend, let’s break the cycle
You talk of me in a long recital
I see your point and I understand this
But this backwards talk is underhanded
And I can not stand it, it weighs on me
I say it won’t, but doubts stay on me
Some say I’m mean, but I really care
There’s an olive branch here that we can share
And we’ll greet it bare, with hearts on sleeves
I’m staying calm though it’s hard to breathe
So far I see this doubt in your eyes
Without a chance for me to see why
But you need to see I have pure intentions
I know it’s hard, you and your discretion
But the very mention of the pain that you see
Not in these veins or flowing through me
And I hope that you’ll see behind the rhymes
Inside the mind of the this writer guy
I fight the fight cause I feel it’s worth it
So let’s talk it out and kill the circus

Notes: Not the strongest piece in recent history, but it’s written with a very fast tempo. It’s actually pretty difficult to write this quickly. As for the meaning? It’s about putting down the gloves and asking people who don’t know you to learn who you are before judging.