A trip inside the heart and mind.
Archive for November, 2007
Taken By Hesitation
Nov 4th
Taken By Hesitation (11/4/2007)
Another day, another thought, another doubt about tomorrow
Yet another day to carry apathy and sorrow
My life feels like it’s borrowed, the path’s not even mine
But I walk along the line because I’m scared of either side
While these questions flood my mind and burn behind my eyes
Am I going through the motions while I’m standing here in time?
I need a simple sign to guide me to the light
And redirect the circumstance that’s become my life
I want to do what’s right, but I tend to do it wrong
I fall because I’m weak though I fight to keep me strong
The battle’s much too long and it’s all become so blurry
I’m never heading anywhere, but I’m always in a hurry
I don’t know what I’m saying, I’m just speaking off the cuff here
I hate the life I live, but I feel secure enough here
The direction won’t become clear if I choose to stay in safety
I pray to beat the fear, but the hesitation takes me
It holds me down and breaks me and really aggravates me
This struggle isn’t worth it if there’s nothing there to save me
I wish the world would hate me so I could do it all in spite
I know it isn’t right, but would anger fuel the fight?
Honestly, it might. It could spark me ’til I light
Like a pilot light at night with a gas leak in the line
Everything seems fine when I’m out to prove I’m better
But the reasons aren’t right and it’s hard to keep together
Between writer’s block and haziness, this is what I’m thinking
I’m not trying to be confident when pride and faith are sinking
The warning lights are blinking with every day that passes
The rope is being pulled away, it’s beyond my reach to grab it
And I see the the signs of hazards, the need to fix these choices
But, it’s hard for me to think when my thoughts all have their voices
A thousand and one noises that bounce inside my cranium
I waste another day in my efforts of evading them
I know what I want
Nov 2nd
Some people call it stubbornness. I prefer to call it, in this case, a clear understanding of what I want and refusing to deviate from that course.
There’s a reason I like to work alone. I’m a firm believe that too many spoons in the pot winds up spoiling whatever the hell you’re trying to cook in a large pot. When I get an idea in my mind and I believe my course of action is the best, I want to stick to it, regardless. That may sound obvious for any person, but I’m really insistent on my way. Perhaps it’s a flaw, but I just often get that gut instinct to stick to the plan (or, sometimes, lack there of).
At Neowin, there’s a lot of cooks. Working on two projects (the Neowin Community Game Awards and NeowinCAST News Edition), I tend to run into the “too many cooks” issue too often and it can be frustrating. Last year, we didn’t have the Community Game Awards, at all, because I simply got fed up with everyone throwing out these outlandish ideas that took the scope of the awards out of the general area I had envisioned. I was realistic and knew that their plans for a much larger process simply wouldn’t pan out. Sure, the awards are back this year, but I had to state from the get go that it’s my way or not at all. It shouldn’t have to be like that. It should be understood that I understand the limits of my own projects and wish to stay within the realm of possible.
Now, as the NeowinCAST returns and gains ground again, people are starting to poke their heads up and it’s infuriating. Ideas from a larger cast team to multiple versions of the same show for various software applications are just completely out of the bounds I fight to keep in place. I have no delusions of grandeur. I know this is a small weekly show and that, being Rob and I volunteer, keeping the process as simple as possible means it’s more likely we’ll have the time to stick to the weekly schedule. Why don’t people understand this? I explain it and it seems to go over everyone’s heads.
I just don’t know how long I can maintain my patience. It’s this kind of crap that makes me want to say “fuck it” and let everyone else do it on their own.