Archive for September, 2007

Anesthesia

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4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Anesthesia (9/11/2007)

I’ve written lots of chaos in the heat of the minutes
Impatiently racing to the scene of the finish
My self esteem diminished, no unity in this business
I keep falling to pieces when nobody sits to listen
This gift I’ve been given’s been a crutch I love to live with
Sometimes I think I broke it, but I don’t want to fix it
Cause every letter listens and these rhymes hear me out
And they clear these clouds from a mind filled with doubt
But sometimes I need to shout and throw a little hissy fit
A lot of times I curse simply to release this shit
I really do believe in this and cherish every sentence
It’s like an anesthetic that can numb me to these messes
Though it’s tough when you’re obsessed with and living in reliance
It’s not a simple switch that one should walk the line with
Sometimes I need to find it to only leave with emptiness
Which all tends to accumulate into a day of heaviness
And it’s hard to walk with steadiness in this effectuation
Fear becomes your conscience and tears your devastation
You live with hesitation and slowly turn invisible
Time’s the only cure now, there’s no one here to witness, though
To see you let the sickness go, to watch your re-emergence
That’s why I sit and ask myself if anybody’s heard this
Fear has left me nervous of the many things I don’t know
They say ‘ignorance is bliss’, though, and boy I really hope so

Notes: It’s about breaking the reliance on my writing to be my only source of ventilation. Had a pretty good conversation right before writing this.

An Attempt at Faith

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4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

An Attempt at Faith (9/10/2007)

It’s like every other minute arises one more issue
One minute I hate the world, the next is when I miss you
I never write to diss you, I don’t think it would hit you
But even if it would, you’re the stress I want to sit through
Through everything we’ve been through, I patiently still linger
Every now and then, though, I give the world the middle finger
Writing with a stinger to inject the poison hatred
I’m scribbling like crazy, spill my chest against the pages
And I’m gnawing through the cages that I built to help contain it
You told me to be open and don’t let myself be tainted
The latter is a stretch, it’s really what I want to hear
To help me ease the blow every moment that you’re gone from here
The words I really long to hear are never truly spoken
Is this really just a game or am I really simply hopeless?
I really want to say that I’ll grasp it all one day
But every second passes and my life is still the same
And it’s fight to quench the flame and imbalance of emotions
I’m giving it my all and I know I can control them
I remember what you said even when you’re out distance
Maybe I can’t hear you now, but the dream is still persistent
And I will be insistent on fighting for the things I want
I wonder if you listen or do you laugh to be a taunt
Does this last to be a haunt or is it something fateful
Hope is much too simple, I’m trying to be faithful

Notes: I need to start cranking out some higher quality stuff again.

Optimism in Failure

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4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Optimism in Failure (9/10/2007)

I’m standing to the side outside of my own mind
Looking inside, pressing my face right to my eyes
I try to find just what I hide there deep behind
These nerve endings are knotted up so fucking tight
But I’m not looking for a fight, I’ve come here in peace
Let the bullshit cease, let’s talk and find release
Cause every time we meet, I’m always fighting for the minutes
I just said my hello and our time’s already finished
I feel so ripped off as though I am the victim
Except you’ll never notice cause you never really listen
My vision is blurred but I won’t stray from this mission
This is who I am now, so go fuck the pessimism
And fuck the stress I’m given, I no longer need it
I can write without it and I’m sure someone will read it
And let everybody see it, I’m never giving up now
I’ll break the beaten path and I do not give a fuck how

What now? Where can I possibly still take this?
I got something on my chest and it’s time I think I say this
Rejected, how I hate this, but it’s really not so bad now
I think it set me straight, it’s funny how it panned out
I’m not the guy who stands out, yet she somehow took some notice
Before I even realized, she became my only focus
I was going through the motions before I fucking struck out
Left screaming at myself, saying time to get the fuck out
With pride down and luck down and a spirit feeling battered
I turned to the voice of a past I thought was shattered
Breaking through the pattern was a little fucking difficult
A lot of fucking static, but I think I sort of missed it though
She wouldn’t stop and listen though until we both had lost it
That’s a lie, I snapped, while leaning over sink and faucet
Looking in the mirror, with my face pressed to my own eyes
Searching down inside for sign that things would go right
In reality, there’s no sign, there’s no damn indication
A risk is what it’s worth and and a chance at vindication
I still have hesitations when it comes to how I tell her
I’m a growing kind of guy and that’s the guy I’ll sell her

Notes: This one is rough, but an indication of the process I’m going through. I was going to be negative and condemning, then I just had a breath of air that let me refocus and find determination. So, instead of being negative, I decided to tell the story of my love life in the past 3 weeks, or so. It’s short, but to the point, once I get on topic.

The Most Unclear Feelings

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4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

The Most Unclear Feelings (9/8/2007)

I really try my hardest, but it’s difficult to say this
I wonder if you’ll read this. Heck, I wonder if you’ll hate this
But if you go and take this, please know I’m being honest
The jokes are on the side, this is me, I swear and promise
Cause I know I’ve breached the topic, though really unconvincingly
There really is no history, but everything’s convincing me
That waiting here invisibly just isn’t gonna cut it
I really hate to do it but it’s best that we discuss it
You are the only subject, the reason for these words here
I’ll make sure I don’t curse here, I feel it my nerves dear
I want to make this verse clear, but I’m dancing all around it
I think we’ve had enough, let me write this and resound it

I want to be much better for the sake of your aquaintance
I want to say I feel for you while fighting with impatience
In times of desparation, I discuss things in my own head
It may seem kind of crazy, but it’s safer in this home stead
But every where I don’t tread, is exactly where you’re standing
Because of you I’m tired of this schizo understanding
Can you understand me? Do you get what I’m not saying?
No, I didn’t think so, it’s time to stop the playing

I really truly like you, enough to watch my word use
I crack a stupid smile when you’re close and I have heard you
Every single word’s true that sits behind that smile
The beauty of your essence leaves me nervous like a child
And the way you live with style, I seek my own improvement
Now I’m optimistic and I know that I can do this
Well, it’s a little more difficult than exactly how I’m writing
But a picture there of you will keep me right and trying
Cause I’d really just be lying if I said I didn’t think of you
You dance around my mind ’til I can’t help but think it’s true
It’s just that every thing of you, every single aspect
Makes me feel a flutter for the taste I haven’t had yet

If none of this makes much sense, I really must apologize
I don’t know what to say, though I’m carrying a lot inside
Deep behind an honest mind, lies a heart that’s true
A beat inside a spirit that breathes because of you
And it’s gleams because of you, damn I feel so awakened
I wish that I could say this, I wish that you could take it
I wish that I could taste it and kiss you in this moment
I wish that I could say that my words are heard and potent

Notes: It’s a rambling mess, I know. I couldn’t get someone out of my mind so I just decided to write until I felt less consumed by it.

Space Trip

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4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Space Trip (9/6/2007)

C’mon, let’s take a trip, let us go upon this journey
Stop moving, I can’t tie you if you’re squirming
Man, my stomach is churning, why do I feel nervous?
This stress is a pain, girl, it’s really not worth it
But it’s better to learn with a master of masters
I’m not really that good, but I’ll go faster and faster
Until we hit the wall and crumble to plaster
Set your blasters so they’ll explode upon disaster
Cause this has to be one of the craziest dreams
You’re all tied up and they’re coming after me
It’s really crap to be the guy they want to vaporize
What the hell is going on? I need to wipe the naked eye
But it’s easier to face it blind, simply hit pedal
Let’s put this to the metal til everything is settled
Sleeping in the meadow like Toto in the poppyseed
Flying in this vessel, screaming “nobody is stopping me!”
And every where I got to be, or have to be, or want to be
Is a thousand miles away, waving at and taunting me
These aliens are haunting me, cut it with the buzzing
Oh, that’s my alarm clock, I’ve been dreaming or something
But my heart is racing and thumping, it seemed so fucking real to me
Put your hand here on my chest. See that? Can you feel it beat?
Reality can steal a dream, but we both know I’m still crazy
And I don’t give a fuck, I think it’s worth it, baby

Notes: I just wanted to write. It’s light hearted (obviously), though, pretty sound, technically. It’s a tad on the short side, but I’m not exactly a pro at writing like this. If you find any “deeper” meaning in this, you should seek immediate help.

Long, long weekend

2
4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

This has probably been one of the worst weekends in a long time for me

Things started Friday at work. I was asked to hook up 16 open item TV’s. Simple enough, right? Well, when you have one weak cable feed and one DVD player, it can be a bit of a chore. On top of that, I also had to balance the load to avoid tripping two breakers. After three hours of work, I finally had everything up and running and decided to take my break. Now, mind you, my break is only 45 minutes long. I punch back in and notice that everything was off and half of the TV’s were unplugged. The manager that asked me to do it apparently felt he had to do something, I guess, and just undid everything I had done. What a great feeling. I wound up refusing to hook it all back up because I wanted to leave on time and go to the feast with Maria. That feast would wind up fucking me this weekend.

I’m going into the gory, dramatic details, but I wound up not going to the feast at all, this weekend, had a “misunderstanding” with Lisa and, this morning, had a huge blowout with Maria over the phone because, well, I can only tolerate so much crap. I’m tired of her continually dropping plans we make to do whatever the hell else she wants to do and never even bothering to tell me. I bring it up this morning and, while I may have been on the attack a bit more than I should have, she acted like a god damn 12 year old. Instead of understanding why I’m pissed, I get crap like “you woke up on the wrong side of the bed” and all. I wound up hanging up cause I can’t stand someone who doesn’t even bother trying to either defend themselves or understand my position. I’ll probably call tomorrow to see how it goes. Why? Because the old me wouldn’t have and I have to face things.

I’m sure some of you are looking for updates on my love life. I keep striking out with “her”. I’ll keep trying, though. There’s just something about her that seems to make every single failure worth it. I’m sweet, ain’t I? lol

Oh, and on a side note, because of the way things worked out Saturday night and because I had an energy drink named NOS, I never got to sleep so I was up for 40 hours straight from Saturday morning until Sunday night. Great.

Imperfect Romance

2
4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Imperfect Romance (9/2/2007)

I had no sleep last night and I’m so exhausted
A stray dream it would seem is all I wanted
I almost lost it over a dumb presumption
That’s really just the safe word for assumption
I made an ass out of you and, well, mostly me
I inferred these things from my own history
It makes me sick to see that I’m trigger happy
Next time, to get right, just come and slap me
Cause I let it trap me and I ran to the notepad
I was pissed and stupid and pathetically so mad
Man am I so glad that you took the first step
And we worked it out even if it don’t work yet
Cause I haven’t learned yet what it means to trust you
In a world where there’s people that will always fuck you
But I have the guts to if you give me a chance now
Just come for the ride, I’m extending my hand out

From right where I stand now, I can only dream
I’m too tired to think, but it’s fine with me
I’d die to see you just smile for me
When I close my eyes, it’s what I try to see
And I strive to be just exactly what I am
But a little stronger and happy where I stand
If you would take my hand, I’d be near perfect
Though, let’s be honest, just a little nervous
But the fear is worth it, I’d love to face it
The way you smile, I pray to taste it
I’m oft-mistaken, but I’ll still keep trying
Your starry eyes will keep me flying

Notes: This “love” (seriously, just call it mushy stuff since this ain’t about love) poem is sort of like me: Full of good intentions, but rough around the edges and, sometimes, saying things the wrong way. I guess she just makes me feel stupid in all the right ways lol. That’s my excuse, at least, cause I’m only this spastic around her.

Tell Me

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4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Tell Me (9/1/2007)

People say I’m too angry, that I need to chill
That my mind is ill and I should go breathe a lil
But my freezer’s filled, tip me, it spills
And out comes the cold that can beat your pill
Cause I need this still, it keeps me from breaking
When I’m bout to snap and my knees are shaking
Take me to the back, tell me it’s not healthy
Do you see the scars? Tell me, have you felt these?
Well, please take a minute and freeze and tell me
What’s the point behind all the lies that you sell me?
Cause my chest is swelling, I’m done with breathing
When I stop speaking, it’s that time to leave me
The next time you see me, I’ll be on a poster
Wanted like a bandit, I’m a coast to coaster
A silent ghoster in the heat of the minute
Til the words I choke up can beat it and spin it
And leave me here finished, with the thoughts inside
You read my shit and think I must have lost my mind
I’m a frozen guy and it’s hard to defrost me
You turn away and it’s then that you lost me
Why couldn’t you toss me a short and sweet greeting?
I’m a man of reason, just say hi and go leaving
It’s not that difficult, just a little respect
That I deserve and that I’m right to expect
Cause you were right to my left, but really much closer
I’m sober, so I think this rhyme is now over
I hope you’re better than that cause I thought that you were
I still think that you are, but these thoughts are all blurred

Notes: The first half is more general, while the second half is much more specific. I just don’t want people thinking I’m blowing one thing out of proportion. I’m simply starting off broadly and narrowing it down as I go.

I’ll just get to the point

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4 years ago
by bangbang023 in

I’m tired of beating around the bush and not saying it directly, so let me just speak.

At work, I met a great girl named Lisa. She’s probably one of the nicest people I’ve met in a long time and as soon as I saw her smile, I was done lol. The problem, though, was with me. I don’t know what it was exactly, but I had a moment of snappage, got in touch with Maria and, you know, we had a discussion about what was holding me back. In all of this, though, I couldn’t find the courage the really make things roll with Lisa. I guess part of me felt like she was too good. Mean, seriously, in the course of like a week, we got close and then I let it end abruptly. I don’t know. I’m shy and a bit of a dick and not always the most fun person around, but I really enjoyed the few times her and I had together.

My problem is Maria, though. I’ve always liked her and, well, after having that discussion, it was inevitable we would keep talking. I let it get in the way even more, though. I’ve never been able to really get over her and I let my focus slip. I shouldn’t have, so it seems. She left me hanging, again, tonight and I’m really at a loss as to why.

Honestly, I don’t know what the fuck to do at this point. I completely fucked things up with Lisa in, what would appear to be, record time. I’m kicking myself for that. Between my lack of any kind of balls when it comes to this stuff and letting Maria sway my attention, I really messed up my chances to at least find out if a really amazing girl liked me at all. The only good thing to come out of this, so far, is that I found the ability to open up and actually say this kind of shit again.

I know, I’m cursing a lot. I’m just not in an intellectual mood at the moment. I just wish I knew what to do to go back and focus on the right girl. I’m a guy, though, and, thus, I’m a fucking idiot.

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