The following are simple suggestions that I think the entire world should latch on to in an attempt to restore sanity and happiness:

1. Automobile manufacturers need to stop releasing model cars a year before the dated model. It seems like the 2007 models came out at least, six months ago. What is that? To make it better, I saw a commercial, today, in which the manufacturer claimed to have received awards for the “Best Car of 2007″. We’re sixteen days into the year. How was this determined? I don’t even want to know. Just stop it. Release your 2007 models in 2007. Keep to this and stop the insanity.

2. Fast food franchises need to take realistic photos of their food. Seriously, why does the burger in the picture look great, yet the one in my hand looks like it’s been crushed a few times over? I’m not even going to mention the lack of steam and juiciness that was so nicely portrayed in that commercial. Be honest. We’re still going to buy it. People are dumb, they’ll buy anything you offer. That, or sell me the burger you took the picture of cause that thing looks delicious.

3. Speaking of which, more fast food places need a $3 value meal option like Wendy’s has. I have no complaints here, it’s just a great value.

4. The Nextel “chirping” sound and function needs to be killed or locked in private mode. Nothing like riding the subway to work in the morning, tired, dreading the day ahead and then having to deal with some genius who is using their Nextel phone’s “chirp” feature in walkie talkie mode, so, not only do you hear loud beeping every 3 seconds, you hear the entire damn conversation. Nextel, in a sense of decency and respect for the common man, needs to lock these things into the private mode where the feature operates more like a button pressed phone call, a.k.a quietly without annoying us.

5. Politicians shouldn’t be allowed to speak. It’s like listening to a 6 year old explain how he didn’t break a window with the baseball he has in his hands. These grown men skirt around the issue as though they would be struck down immediately if they said anything with substance. Since they already say nothing, how about they keep silent? Our ears will be much happier.

6. Fox News needs to be shut down. No, not because of their outlandish views (their segment on how the movie “Happy Feet” is about homosexuality was especially intriguing), but because of the fact they still claim to be “Fair and Balanced”. Their as balanced as the seesaw with the fat kid from your class on it. No matter how hard you try, your boney ass isn’t going to even things out. The only way to fix things is to form a schoolyard coup d’état and get him out of the way for good.

7. SUV’s need to be fitted with a random self destruct mechanism unless there’s a commercial plate on the back. I know some people need them, but the single guy with the small “manhood” who likes to burn barrels of fuel an hour while waiving his middle finger at the earth, as a whole, needs to know that he can die at any moment. Then, we can promote hybrid cars and alternative fuel vehicles as the only automobiles that won’t kill you immediately, any time soon, or wipe out your grandchildren when the polar ice caps melt.

8. Censorship needs to be toned down. Seriously, why are words like “gun” and “pills” now censored on the radio? It makes no sense to me. Where are these people who are suddenly getting offended by such words? They definitely need to take a chill pill or be shot in the head. We need to take these wasted censoring beeps and silences and apply them to something really offensive (see #6).