Xpression.v2

Staring at Your Ceiling (12/8/2006)

It’s hard in this room as I face all these feelings
The same feelings stealing my prayers when I’m kneeling
And I’m reeling and I’m peeling, staring at white ceilings
Looking at the snow flakes, praying for my healing
A mind’s feeling to want to jump into the tide pool
And take a little risk now cause anyone can die soon
But sitting here in my room, drowning in the typhoon
The waves of confusion are the water drops of my doom
With my head under emotion, my lungs filled with it
Gasping for my next breath, knowing that it’s still shit
Facing every moment with the world upon my shoulders
It’s enough to pin me down and crush me like a boulder
Until I fall and fold up and freeze while I get colder
Every word I never said burns me while I smolder
What’s the point of getting older when nothing ever changes
I still want what I can’t have, I’m still here in this basement
Living but I’m vacant, an empty glass encasement
I emptied it all out and I tried my best with patience
I’ve written that I hate this, a fucking basket case since
My fingers lose their grip as I lose my will to take this
Sometimes I want to break this and snap off every image
Of everything I started but could never fucking finish
And crack them and diminish until they fucking hate me
Crumble every feeling that drains me while it wastes me
Cause I still fucking hate these thoughts that claw and shout
I take a look to the left, my mind is screened with clouds
And I can feel the pound of a million hearts racing
The brilliant sound, I can feel it start pacing
Through a billion clouds, I can feel my heart chasing
I crawl through the smoke to the beautiful part waiting
And again I start waiting and again it’s all weighted
I’m back at the beginning with the walls that I hated
And the calls that I debated, it was all obliterated
A step to the right and and it was all commiserated
It was all the things I hated and nothing that I longed for
Safety in the misery of missing what I’d wrong for

Notes: I took a break from the project to vent something I needed to get out. It’s a bit convoluted, but here’s the general break down: I’m talking about the feeling of carrying around a weight and how it really takes everything out of you. When you try to get away from it, you wind up coming back, happy to see it, but again crushed by it. I hope that doesn’t sound cheesy.

Filed under: Poems