I’m sitting at home when I should have been spending some time with Maria, finally. Of course, like usual, she says one thing and does another. Her phone is off so I can’t even get past a damn voicemail. It’s every moment like this that I ask myself why I don’t just quit and try things with someone else. What’s my driving motivation? Why do I refuse to give up?

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure of that answer. Obviously, she’s beautiful and a good person, but is that enough? Should a person not allow themselves to have expectations? I want time to see if this could work for real, but I never get it. Why do I stick around and continue to try and fail over and over? To most people, it would make no sense.

I guess some of it comes down to not wanting to lose out on something I want. I’m not always the most motivated person in the world, but I can be stubborn when it comes to something I want. On top of that, I’m always curious. Not only can I not succeed, I can’t figure out why I keep failing. It drives me crazy. I need to have or know, one or the other. Either way, it would be an end to the mystery and continuous cycle. Maybe that’s what I really need: a definitive conclusion. No loose ends. No questions unanswered. Maybe that’s why I don’t quit. Damn, how I wish I could…