Randomness from an overactive mind
Archive for February, 2006
Cluttered
05 years ago
by bangbang023
in poems
Cluttered (2/11/2006)
Lately I find myself simply feeling so burned out
Unable to find the words to complete the next turn out
My mind is unsteady and I’m unable to focus
The thought of a rhyme starts to seem fucking hopeless
And I can’t control this, the feelings, I know this
I just want to write something, I don’t care if I blow this
Cause the more that I hold these thoughts deep down inside
The greater the chance that I’ll lose my own mind
No, I’m not doing fine, I just lack the description
To explain what I feel behind chaotic encryption
I can’t write in fiction, only true to my spirit
I speak just to heal, I don’t ask you to hear it
Sure, I’d like you to listen, but attention’s not needed
I just need to keep writing, take the pain and relieve it
But the calm gets defeated in the whirlwind of clutter
Then when I try to vent all I get is a stutter
A stumble, a stammer, and I lose all my patience
I throw the pen down and curse my frustration
The hurtful dictation that I can’t find the words for
This lost dissertation that leaves every nerve sore
I can’t take this hurt nor can I take this confusion
The chaos inside only lends me allusion
This fucking illusion that I know what I’m saying
When I really say nothing in what I’m conveying
Enough with the praying, I refuse to start crying
I’ll pick my ass up and refuse to stop trying
I’ll speak in cliches if it means that I’ll end this
And I’ll bleed it away to complete the next sentence
Cause I’m feeling defenseless without my words flowing
It all bottles up while my weakness is showing
The twitching is growing, I can’t seem to shake this
Please smash through my chest, take the grief and erase it
Notes: I haven’t been able to write, lately. My mind has been scattered as I try to deal with a million things at once. This simply describes the chaos.
Look at the Purdy Colors
45 years ago
by bangbang023
in general
If you haven’t realized that I’ve redesigned the site by now, you need help. I was bored of the old Connections theme and a little peeved that so many people were using variations of it so I decided to go with a less used theme and modify the hell out of it again. Also, I wanted to not only use colors I haven’t worked with before, but also wanted to use a color scheme that better suits my mood and life, as of late.
This is still very much a work in progress and you may visit the site to see things randomly misaligned or miscolored. I don’t want to stress over this too much, so I’ve been taking my time with it. I know some things are a little off even as I post this, but I’ll get to them when I can. For those of you wondering why I haven’t made any posts in a while, this is the reason.
On a side note, for any geeks out there, I want to let you know that I spent a good 3 hours trying to figure out why the php code for the tabs at the top wasn’t working. In the end, I should have realized the code was commented out all along. Gah! I guess that’s what happens when you don’t work with code for a while.
I Haven’t Died
05 years ago
by bangbang023
in general
No, I haven’t died.
I just want to apologize for the lack of updates lately. I’ve been dealing with a few personal things, but have also been spending quite some time playing with wrenches and hammers in secret areas of the site. I’m trying to get this work finished as soon as possible so I can get back to writing and such, I just need another few days. It’ll be worth it, I promise. For now, I’ll leave you with a song that sums up a little of what I’ve been dealing with lately. Here’s the lyrics from Staind’s “Cross to Bear”:
Twisting, turning, crashing, burning,
All this just to break me down.You don’t know me
You don’t see me
You don’t own me because I don’t care.
But I’m still here,
Patiently waiting for you to disappear.
Is this my cross to bear?Faceless, faking, pushing, taking,
All this just to bring me down.[x1]
You don’t know me
you don’t see me
you don’t own me because I don’t care.
But I’m still here,
Patiently waiting for you to disappear.
Is this my cross to bear?You don’t know me,
You don’t own me cause I’m aware.
And I’m still here,
Patiently waiting for you to disappear.
Is this my cross to bear?I’m still here,
Reluctantly waiting for you to interfere.
This is my cross to bear
Online IQ Test
26 years ago
by bangbang023
in general
I don’t take the test too seriously, but it’s funny how I took this test and got a score of 131 with the following result:
Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that’s just some of what we know about you from your test results.
It’s funny, to me, because I do make attempts at writing and I’ve always felt my eye for visual design (my eye, not my artistic skill to create it) was pretty strong as well. Odd.
Empty Pages
06 years ago
by bangbang023
in poems
Empty Pages (2/3/06)
You still seem to float around at the most inopportune of moments
The timing is so awkward, it’s impossible I chose it
So I take the book and close it, yet it opens once again
To another empty page that’s been waiting for the end
God, I want to heal and mend and finish off this final chapter
And clear you from my head and simply silence all this chatter
Cause everything feels scattered and I’m fearing that I’ll lose it
Regress into a pattern of this skill ’til I abuse it
So I try to stay secluded and fight through what I’ve been feeling
The echoes of a book that sings songs throughout my being
There’s no use in always screaming, I still work on my composure
I try to never break while I wait for final closure
Like a soldier, in a warzone, I try to be quick thinking
Fast to make a move around the traps laid out for sinking
But still I see you blinking like the North of my own sky
I can’t help but stop and stare and I’ll always wonder why
It’s so funny how a dream can simply add to my confusion
Like the pieces of a puzzle, but there’s more to this solution
I don’t want your retribution or a sign that says you’re caring
I just want the final line to the story we’ve been sharing
And I hope you hold your light and your fortune treats you fairly
On this cold and lonely night, the thought of you is not so scary
But, everytime I’m weary, I’ll always think of you again
An extra breath inside my lungs sent with love from my old friend
And I’d hate to see it end but it’s something I desire
I loved the way it was, but this time has quenched the fire
Though, I’m not much of a writer, I will find the final sentence
If it takes away confusion then I’ll find a way to end this
Note: While this flows in my usual pattern very well, it’s actually written in a lighter beat. I’ve been listening to some Matusyahu (Jewish rapper) lately and his methods have given me some new ideas as far as flows and rhyme patterns go. The poem itself discusses the desire to end part of the past, no matter how good it may have been.
25,000 Posts on Neowin
36 years ago
by bangbang023
in general
I finally hit the 25,000 post mark at Neowin. I’m only the second member to ever do so. God, I need a life haha.