A trip inside the heart and mind.
Archive for January, 2006
Worst of Changes (Rewrite)
Jan 14th
Worst of Changes Rewrite (1/14/2006)
Let’s look at these people cause everyone’s changing
You turn for a moment then you can’t find the same thing
The way that it may seem is everything’s racing
It happens so quickly, it’s driving me crazy
Cause I can’t predict it, can’t see where I’m going
The who, when and why and the reasons I’m growing
It all seems to be an illusion that’s showing
The pace keeps on moving with no signs of slowing
With friends on the right who say they’re not leaving
And those on the left who are running and fleeing
None of them see me cause they’re moving too quickly
All running in chaos ’til the clue hits me swiftly
That even at fifty, when you’d think it’d be better
Things only keep changing and few stay together
They’ve shared fifteen years, now it’s their anniversary
She says that she’s cheated and she’s speaking so nervously
It wasn’t done purposely, I feel that we’re different
I just needed some space and we’re growing so distant
And at this very instant, he’s crying and shaking
Time carried on and he wasn’t done changing
It’s these kind of things that make life what it is
But the pain’s tough to bear and so hard to forgive
In our hearts, we’re all kids, though even that’s changing
We’re all growing up and slowly we’re aging
And I know that it may seem that it’s all for the worst
The tears that we cry as we recall all the hurt
But, if nothing is learned then there wasn’t a purpose
The lessons that burn as we change as a person
Notes: This poem was actually, originally, written by Joanna. I wanted to see if I could redo her message and phrase it in my styling.
Original Version:
People and times
Changing so quickly
Faster than a pair of eyes
That just can’t stop blinking.
One moment after the next
Unable to predict
What will happen when?
What will happen where?Best friends at one point
Enemies the next.
Unable to predict
What can happen next.Married couples of fifteen years
Maybe even more
Sharing glasses of high class wine
Swearing to never hurt the other.
But just a few moments later
What can come of their love?
Will they still long for eachother
Or swear to never go back to the other?People and times
Changing so quickly
And most of the time
It’s the worst of changes.
Hot Vibrance
Jan 12th
Hot Vibrance (1/12/2006)
I have this feeling of rage that has me captive today
I’m ready to flip my lid today like back in the day
It seems attractive to say that I’m enraptured with hate
But a day comes after today, and I can’t trash it away
So, in my fashion of ways, I have come right after the page
Like a drug for my veins that soothes the passionate rage
I’m not the bastard of hate and I’m trying to fight it
Instead of lashing away, I try my best to respite it
Cause the small things ingite it and trap me inside the violence
The look of frustration as I stew in my silence
With the angry, hot vibrance that has reached my own limits
No thought’s without hate, those two mix before finished
And my patience is thinnest as I flee to my clinic
The sheet of the paper and the pen with ink in it
Like an addict I hit it and drown in sensation
Just wash it away and cleanse out the temptation
The bullshit, the drama, the collection that’s stored up
Throw it back in the closet and keep the damn door shut
The anger, the sore strut, my temples are pounding
As I bust through this page so clenched up and bounding
With anger resounding in the way that you found me
The shortest of words came off oddly sounding
Next thing, the loud shouting, my thoughtlessness screaming
The temper I hold gives my soul a good beating
And I’m punching and bleeding and yelling out curses
Fuck you, piece of shit and a few more choice verses
So I close down the curtains and I darken the stage
The show is now over, folks, we must part our ways
Notes: Had kind of a shitty day today and my fuse has gone off a few times. This is just me writing away the anger. You’d be surprised how much calmer I am now.
Six More Windows Messenger Invites
Jan 12th
I have six Windows Live Messenger BETA invites left. Want one? Here’s what you have to do:
- Send me an email at bangbang023 [at] hotmail [dot] com with the passport account you use to log in to MSN Messenger now and the number from the hit counter located at the bottom of the right sidebar on the main page.
- That’s it. You don’t pay any money and I don’t get a million PM’s on Neowin.
*Note: The invite links MAY not work immediately. This has been a problem since the invite program began. If it doesn’t work tonight, simply try it again tomorrow night. All invites are legit and should work eventually.
Guided Self Doubts
Jan 11th
Guided Self Doubts (1/11/2005)
Let me tell you this short story and the boy that it’s about
Growing up inside the shadows of his self inflicted doubt
Working through the clouds that seem to float inside his mind
As he grew into a man and tried to walk along the line
The perfect chosen road as laid out by those around him
They’d never really know what they knew would slowly drown him
Cause the voices always found him even when he wouldn’t hear it
He tried to grab the wheel in a chance to try to steer it
But they jeered, could not revere it, didn’t know what he was thinking
And, for a moment, all his hope was left alone and slowly sinking
He was scared to even blink and too scared to make a move
Even now the fear can grip him, but there’s way too much to lose
So he tries to change his shoes through projection of his hatred
But he doesn’t have a clue that some people can not take it
He doesn’t want to lose them, but he doesn’t want to risk it
Now he’s stuck right in the middle holding just one single ticket
Unsure if he’s the winner and too scared to take a glance
Momentary courage is so lost inside the chance
Cause even where he stands he can feel the pressure raining
The weight of his own fear only growing, never waning
Stuttering, explaining, trying to get out his whole purpose
The words that never come because he feels so god damn nervous
This poem is a service and his only explaination
To explain away the reason that he blocks out your temptation
And his mind’s got the frustration from the years of being fearful
The idea alone can break him while some others feel so cheerful
And while they give their earful, he just holds on to the fact
That he never wants to lose you or derail right off this track
Notes: This actually started off with me intending to write something very different. It kind of took a tangent and went into why I can’t seem to get myself to speed things up between Maria and I. It’s frustrating, even if it’s not all of my fault, at least part of it still is.
Third Person Reflection
Jan 10th
Third Person Reflection (1/10/2006)
Though he tries to act real strong, he’s so burdened by this pressure
“He’s the man with all the answers” is the often made conjecture
And in between the lectures of the schools he’s never been in
Lies the weight against the wall to which it always pins him
And so the people spin him and look to him for guidance
Everyone is screaming “help” but all he hears is silence
Bearing a false smile and trying hard to never crumble
It’s when the calls are gone that he often slips and stumbles
He so often trips and fumbles and passes opportunity
Too busy with the world and he loses sight so foolishly
Wandering so cluelessly without a sense of time
Before he even notices, another year’s gone bye
Still, they weigh upon his mind even when he tries to shed it
The more he tries to fight, the more they’ll never get it
Every single sentence adds a little bit more pressure
And this guy’s about to break as he waits for what is never
It’s so tough to be the person that everyone needs help from
He used to be so young, but now he’s not so well strung
In his mind, the bell’s rung, and the fight’s already over
Though, nobody seems to notice as they place more on his shoulders
Cause as this guy gets older, they all think that he’s much wiser
But his silence is a boiling pot, the weight’s become the fire
And he hates to be a liar but he tries to be respectful
So he hides away the stress ’til the moment that you get through
And, though it may upset you, it’s not that he won’t trust you
He wants to get it out , but he’s scared that he’ll disgust you
Cause everything he was through paints a past of being lonely
This man inside this poem is the only one who knows me
Notes: A poetic summation of a conversation I had with Maria last night.
Where’d It Go?
Jan 8th
You know what I miss in my life? Passion. Even as short as 2 years ago, I was passionate about things and had a determination to find something in my life to make me happy, regardless if it was accepted by others or not. Now, well, not so much. It’s the same hum drum routine day after day. There’s no driving motivation, no passion and vigor. I really miss the youthful ideals that used to fuel my life.
Coaching is getting less and less fun. These kids have no ability to listen and work together. It’s always the same thing over and over: Fancy pass, overly fancy shot, other team gets the ball, break away, and we go down another 2 points. No matter what I do, I can’t drive it through their thick skulls that they need to change the way they play the game. It also doesn’t help only having one real guard, but that’s something I could work around if the others did what I asked of them. I don’t want to give up, I try not to, but it’s hard when I seem to be the only one that cares.
I’m not sure what I’m doing, anymore, in terms of going full time at Best Buy. While it can be an okay job, I’m not sure I’m going to find happiness (or a decent income) working there. While I’m sure this will piss everyone off, I don’t care anymore. I have to stop worrying about what other people think and really figure out what I want in life. I’ve actually had a few crazy ideas that sound lame and unaspiring, but they seem to work in my head. Mail man? Hey, you work alone and can bring your headphones with you. Cop? Great benefits, though it is a bit dangerous. In the end, though, I really think having my own business would be best for me. I don’t care what it would involve, as long as it meant me working for me, proving to everyone that I can do it.
That brings me to my next point…….Shut the hell up about college. Yes, I dropped out. I know, thanks for reminding me. I also know that it’s a decision that will make my life a bit more difficult, but it’s one I have chosen to live with. When I look at my life, I don’t see happiness in a class room and, even if I did, I couldn’t afford it anyway, so leave it be.
I wish I knew what the hell was going on with me and Maria. It’s no secret that I like her and I’ve been trying to get time with her, but things always seem to backfire on me. Maybe it’s a hint to give up, but I guess I’m choosing to be stubborn. I’m sure most of you would prefer me not to be so stubborn in this case, but, I have to do what I feel is right.
All this crap has really hurting my writing. I need that previously mentioned passion to really get out some good works and it’s simply not happening. Sometimes, it feels like I’m writing simply for the sake of having something to post here. That’s a terrible feeling.
This has been another bitchy journal entry, huh? I apologize guys and girls. With confusion at work, stress in my writing, more stress from Maria, and every thing else, it’s gotten a little gloomy around here, lately.
10 Windows Live Messenger Invites
Jan 6th
I have TEN Windows Live Messenger BETA invites left. Want one? Here’s what you have to do:
- Send me an email at bangbang023 [at] hotmail [dot] com with the passport account you use to log in to MSN Messenger now and the number from the hit counter located at the bottom of the right sidebar on the main page.
- That’s it. You don’t pay any money and I don’t get a million PM’s on Neowin.
*Note: The invite links MAY not work immediately. This has been a problem since the invite program began. If it doesn’t work tonight, simply try it again tomorrow night. All invites are legit and should work eventually.
Update: No invites are left.
One Year Ago Today…
Jan 5th
One year ago today, it was made official: I became the owner of bangbang023.com. I actually found this out by complete luck. I logged in to GoDaddy.com, the company that I registered my domain through, just for the hell of it (first time in months) and saw that I had actually made my order on January 5th, 2005. So, happy one year anniversary to bangbang023.com. Woo hoo!
Ignoring Expectations
Jan 5th
Ignoring Expectations (1/5/2006)
It feels like I need a break, I’m locked away and I hide my phone
I settle down with the paper cause I don’t own a microphone
This is the life I own and the rhyming’s the light I’m shown
So I go with the flow and and write out what’s inside my soul
Cause I will not die and fold, I’ve got too much persistance
I just need some more time to own to make sure this is finished
And the skill’s not diminished, no, it’s really the opposite
I have so many thoughts that I get caught up and flop with it
But, while other’s are “dropping” shit, I’m pouring over these pages
Trying to find lines that meet all your expectations
There’s cliche’d temptations that I try to skip over
Though, sometimes the meaning suffers and grows a bit colder
But fuck being older. No, I need to be civil
It is okay to hurt kid. No, I’m best in the middle
It drives me insane, though, when I can’t make my mind up
Do I release all this sad shit or tear all the lines up?
So I lose it in silence and start rejecting my instincts
All because someone said shit that had made my whole head blink
In the slightest of flinches, I’ve lost my whole sense of direction
And I’m back at the start with just the taste of rejection
You see, I admit, that I’ve heard what people have whispered
Under the breath talk that can sometimes make Chris hurt
It looks like I’ve been served a small taste of reality
That some people won’t get all the things that come out of me
And while I won’t let them shout at me, I’ll tolerate all the laughing
Smiles that hide the fact they’re own spotlight is passing
While, every rhyme that I’m chancing, is one more step that I’ve taken
Every line you don’t like is like a lesson in patience
And the feeling’s contagious, it goes from my head to toes
I spin with the ink, then roll the dice, let it go
You can’t understand it? So? I can still get it, son
This rhyme, in itself, proves that I can still get it done
Notes: Lately, I’ve had a lot of self doubt regarding my ability to write and if, maybe, I had lost the touch I used to have. This poem is me having a discussion with my own personal negative voices.
Update Time
Jan 5th
All you boys and girls should run Microsoft Update as soon as possible. A VERY important patch was released today to fix a MAJOR security flaw in Windows XP. It will take 5 minutes of your time and will assure the security of your system.