Xpression.v2

You know what I miss in my life? Passion. Even as short as 2 years ago, I was passionate about things and had a determination to find something in my life to make me happy, regardless if it was accepted by others or not. Now, well, not so much. It’s the same hum drum routine day after day. There’s no driving motivation, no passion and vigor. I really miss the youthful ideals that used to fuel my life.

Coaching is getting less and less fun. These kids have no ability to listen and work together. It’s always the same thing over and over: Fancy pass, overly fancy shot, other team gets the ball, break away, and we go down another 2 points. No matter what I do, I can’t drive it through their thick skulls that they need to change the way they play the game. It also doesn’t help only having one real guard, but that’s something I could work around if the others did what I asked of them. I don’t want to give up, I try not to, but it’s hard when I seem to be the only one that cares.

I’m not sure what I’m doing, anymore, in terms of going full time at Best Buy. While it can be an okay job, I’m not sure I’m going to find happiness (or a decent income) working there. While I’m sure this will piss everyone off, I don’t care anymore. I have to stop worrying about what other people think and really figure out what I want in life. I’ve actually had a few crazy ideas that sound lame and unaspiring, but they seem to work in my head. Mail man? Hey, you work alone and can bring your headphones with you. Cop? Great benefits, though it is a bit dangerous. In the end, though, I really think having my own business would be best for me. I don’t care what it would involve, as long as it meant me working for me, proving to everyone that I can do it.

That brings me to my next point…….Shut the hell up about college. Yes, I dropped out. I know, thanks for reminding me. I also know that it’s a decision that will make my life a bit more difficult, but it’s one I have chosen to live with. When I look at my life, I don’t see happiness in a class room and, even if I did, I couldn’t afford it anyway, so leave it be.

I wish I knew what the hell was going on with me and Maria. It’s no secret that I like her and I’ve been trying to get time with her, but things always seem to backfire on me. Maybe it’s a hint to give up, but I guess I’m choosing to be stubborn. I’m sure most of you would prefer me not to be so stubborn in this case, but, I have to do what I feel is right.

All this crap has really hurting my writing. I need that previously mentioned passion to really get out some good works and it’s simply not happening. Sometimes, it feels like I’m writing simply for the sake of having something to post here. That’s a terrible feeling.

This has been another bitchy journal entry, huh? I apologize guys and girls. With confusion at work, stress in my writing, more stress from Maria, and every thing else, it’s gotten a little gloomy around here, lately.

Filed under: Journal