Archive for December, 2005
Loveless Doubts
Dec 31st
Loveless Doubts (12/31/2005)
Staring down at the streets from the train high above them
Glancing at the people and I wonder who loves them
Or do they feel alone the same way that I do now
If they don’t, then I gues that I’ve founded a new crowd
And I’ll drown in this new doubt that I’ll be dying so lonely
Afraid to open up and let the people there know me
Cause they’ve only shown me this disappointment and hatred
I can see it in their eyes and the looks on their faces
The very small traces of the lies and deception
So I stay far away for my own self protection
But, with a bit of disgression, I’m a little bit weary
I need to make a friend but I can’t keep them near me
Cause these silent thoughts steer me in another direction
So they think I’m a loner, but that’s not my intention
And this inner reflection is now driving me crazy
You would think, after this, that it just wouldn’t phase me
But it still fucking shakes me and disturbs imperfection
And lets it float in my veins until I go to confession
But I know that confession won’t solve any problems
Until I find my own strength to face them and solve them
I don’t know where to go now, I can’t make my mind up
It’s funny how the stresses always seem to just line up
I should label this “My Rut” and simply call it my only
A little hole I can live in and forever be lonely
But I’m, stubborn, you know me, I’ll be back soon enough
Trying one more time to find myself my own love
And I’ll fail in disgust and once again come back whining
Complaining of the lies and the imperfection of timing
And here’s where you’ll find me, a lone man and his rhyming
A few hundred new lines about the same thing I’m writing
I’m hurting, not crying, the tears I don’t miss them
Now let me go back to trying to figure out Kristen
Notes: Phew. This one is much more complete than the last one. It’s not as emotional, but I’m just looking at a broader picture and not just the disappointment and hurt from the situation with Maria. I’m just trying to understand the trend and where I’m going wrong, every single time.
Mental Suffocation
Dec 31st
Mental Suffocation (12/31/2005)
I tried my best to sit here and write something fucking spiteful
And full of stupid insults to hide the pain in my soul
But I think I’ve grown beyond that and some say that it’s much better
I gave you everything I had so we could maybe be together
Yet, now I sit here fed up just knowing that you used me
What was the fucking purpose of pretending that you knew me?
Another fucking person could have helped as well as I did
You could have given them the tears to swell behind their eyelids
And given me the silence of a girl who walked right by me
Instead of warming your way in and burning up inside me
To think I wasted so much time on trying to impress you
Like a little stupid kid with no chance to ever get you
But I’m not here to upset you, no, I just need some ventilation
I’m just letting out my anger, disappointment and frustration
All that dedication towards a single god damn person
I even used my rhymes to speak to you through verses
All for one damn purpose and one driving motivation
The signs I thought I saw in between all my notations
The mental suffocation, I must be so delirious
Cause now I fucking see there was never clearly us
I’ll have to come back later cause I don’t know what to say
I just can not comprehend why it always goes this way
I’m always thrown away after giving my affection
After hearing all the bitching ’bout the walls of my protection
So, I try a new direction and I open up a little
Only to discover that I’m right back in the middle
All those who have left me and all those who will leave
I can’t even fucking rhyme, never mind trying to breathe
Notes: I’m going through some bad writer’s block and this shit just adds to the swirling confusion. I know it sucks, please don’t remind me. It’s my fucking third attempt. Yes, for the curious, it’s directed at Maria. I guess I know why she kept stalling like that.
New Feature Added
Dec 30th
Well, I said I would replace “Listen to This…” with something more dynamic, so here it is. On the right side, there is a new content box titled “Recent Tracks”. This updates every 15 minutes and shows the titles of the last 5 tracks I’ve listened to during my current listening session. I’ve set it up so each title is a link to a google search for the lyrics of the song.
I have to ask one thing, though: Should I put the box on the left side, instead, where I had “Listen to This…” before?
Winds Down Here and Up There
Dec 29th
It seems as though I’m not going to be getting the break, post Christmas, like I was expecting.
Customer wise, work is finally starting to slow down. Thank God. We still have rushes here and there, but nothing like it was for the past 3 weeks. This is going to be good for everyone. It gives the employees some time to pace themselves and it frees us up to more effectively assist any customers doing more than a grab and go sale. This usually means I’ll get cursed out a bit less, too. That’s always a nice thing. With the end of the season, though, all the seasonal hires will be leaving, soon. Why do I care? That involves Toni also departing. Not exactly something I’ll be celebrating.
Work aside, however, there’s a lot of crap picking up elsewhere. Neowin has been interesting, to say the least. I can’t really give details, but a lot of people are no longer happy and many of those people are veterans, like me. Neowin has always been the place I go to kill some time, learn something new, and help as many people as I can without the pressures of a paycheck hanging over me. However, it’s losing that thrill. Members constantly bitch over warnings and the staff is being worn thin due to the various stresses that are ongoing. Today, alone, two staff members resigned. That makes three in one week. I just wish everyone would chill out. Back when I joined, it was just a group of cool people hanging out. Now, however, as we grow in popularity, there are a lot more hormonal teenagers raging out against everything and anything. It really kills the morale. Who’s calling who an idiot and then complaining that I unfairly warned them or who’s posting crap in an attempt to piss everyone off for some immature giggles. It’s just lame.
Tuesday helped, though. Nobody really showed up for practice, so I joined kids from my team and kids from an older team in a full court 4 on 4 scrimmage. I was expecting to do horribly, but I really played quite well. Coaching seems to have kicked my brain into basketball mode and, considering I lack the ability to do anything fancy, it’s my quick thinking as a guard that really carried my team. Good excercise and a nice little stress burner.
My writing has stagnated a bit. I’m thinking of maybe getting an “Urban Poetry” group going. Just a group of people who write poetry, like me, with a modern influence to it. Interested? Let me know. I’d love to get things going and have monthly releases of packs of poems.
I removed the “Listen to This” section since I never used it. I’ll be replacing it with something a little more dynamic once I find the energy to install and configure it.
I don’t have anything else to talk about. For the record: Anyone who buys $385 jeans is fucking crazy and I have learned that a simple haircut can make someone even hotter than they were. That is all.
Fever
Dec 29th
Fever (12/29/2005)
My mind screams, defines me, I can’t escape these ways
You’ll find me still trying though I can’t break this pain
You tempt me to give in and simply accept rage
Don’t tease me, just leave me, before I break this cage
I feel, I feel, I feel
Like I am losing my mind
I feel, I feel, I feel
Like all the shadows are mine
The voices in my head keep driving me insane
The choices, am I dead? Can someone stop the rain
You tempt me to slip in and give in to hate
You tease me, no breathing can subdue this rage
I feel, I feel, I feel
Like I am losing my mind
I feel, I feel, I feel
Like all the shadows are mine
I never wanted this
I never wanted this
Take it away from me
Take it away from me
I never wanted this
I never wanted this
Need it to stay with me
Need it to stay with me
So I snap and I break and I just let it go
All this crap that I take is all that I can know
So fuck me and fuck you and let’s put on this show
You’re ducking, you’re nothing, you’re drowning in the flow
I feel, I feel, I feel
Like I am losing my mind
I feel, I feel, I feel
Like all the shadows are mine
I feel, I feel, I feel
Like I won’t ever be fine
I feel, I feel, I feel
Like I am trapped in my mind
I feel, I feel, I feel
I feel, I feel, I feel
I feel, I feel, I feel
I feel, I feel, I feel
Fever won’t break in time
Notes: It’s a hard hitting rock song, similar to a Korn style. I just discuss how hard it can be, at times, to control my temper/anger.
Windows Live Messenger 8 Beta Invites
Dec 28th
I have three Windows Live Messenger BETA invites left. Want one? Here’s what you have to do:
- Go here and register for my site if you haven’t already
- Send me an email at bangbang023 [at] hotmail [dot] com with your account name here and the passport account you use to log in to MSN Messenger now.
- That’s it. You don’t pay any money and I don’t get a million PM’s on Neowin.
*Note: The invite links MAY not work immediately. This has been a problem since the invite program began. If it doesn’t work tonight, simply try it again tomorrow night. All invites are legit and should work eventually.
There are no more invites left. Check back soon for my next set of invites. Remember, they’re first come, first serve.
Updated to Wordpress 2.0
Dec 26th
Well, Wordpress continues to impress me. I just updated to the shiney new 2.0 and NOTHING broke. It took 5 minutes to update and everything works perfectly, still. Now, that is simply amazing. I’m not sure you’ll be seeing any changes on your end, but the backend stuff and the admin panel have been completely redone. The site should run a little more smoothly now. Hopefully, things continue to run well.
For those who are using Wordpress 2.0 on your sites, what do you think of the rich text editor? Honestly, I didn’t like it, so I disabled it.
The Unnatural Leader
Dec 25th
The Unnatural Leader (12/25/2005)
I sit under the weight of all the expectations
The goals I never reached and the times filled with frustration
The lonely saturation of these shoes that never fit
Everyone expects more when I truely want to quit
And it starts to make me sick as I deal with aggravation
I’m worn from always failing and causing agitation
I still hold these reservations that I try to never show
Because some people need me to help them when they go
But, no I’m not a leader, so you should find somebody better
I can’t solve all these problems and help you through this weather
I’m fragile like a feather and will let you down again
You should lean on someone else cause I’m broken down, my friend
And as my hopes go down again, I regress back into hiding
A place where I’m alone and there is nobody beside me
There’s nothing left behind me and no one left to shatter
I tried to help you all everytime I saw you gather
But my purpose never mattered, cause I feel I let you down
I promised to be strong, but that strength was never found
There was never solid ground and I’m sick of the excuses
It’s time that I just grow up and admit I can be useless
But please, don’t think I’m stupid cause I gave my all to trying
I just couldn’t take the weight of failing, never flying
And now these wings are broken and in a million pieces
I tried my best to help but I gave in to the weakness
I guess what I’ve been saying is that I feel a little cornered
Pressed against a wall to keep it all in order
The people that I work with who ask me all these questions
And the friends I try to help with my roughened out suggestions
But it feels like so much pressure and I’m not sure I can take it
I want to help them all but I know that I can’t fake it
Cause everytime I’m shakened, I risk screwing someone’s life
There’s even fucking young people who look to me for right
And so I hold it all inside and try to bear it in me
But God it weighs me down and I’m cracking down within me
Just please give me assurance that I’m doing what’s been needed
I’m trying my damn best to be there when you need it
Notes: It’s pretty self explanatory. I’m simply going into the feeling of being relied on, a lot, but never really knowing if you’re the one people should be relying on. Maybe there’s someone better. Maybe I’ll screw it all up and wind up hurting someone. There was a middle stanza that I actually removed. It was only 8 lines and really didn’t fit.
Merry Christmas
Dec 24th
I’m doing this my way…….
Merry Christmas to all. To all you “Happy Holiday” people, kiss my dick! This is the fucking Christmas season and I’m sure as hell not changing just so your panties don’t get all twisted into a knot. No disrespect to those of other faiths, just don’t butt in on Christmas.
Seriously, I guarantee you no other blog on the net says Merry Christmas this way.
Control This
Dec 21st
Control This (12/21/2005)
This direction has led me so far from perfection
I’m venting out all my aggression
It’s how I operate and I tolerate
Cause depression left me with mental impressions
I need someone to see my lesson
Of the constant hate I can’t tolerate
So please teach me and set me free
Show me everything that I need…
Expose the ways to control this pain
And I’ll throw away all my deceit
It’s on going though it’s not there for the showing
The incisions are constantly flowing
Reminding me of the times I bleed
And it’s growing the more that I fail at controlling
Give me all the drugs for the slowing
Erasing the taste of my own disgrace
So please teach me and set me free
Show me everything that I need…
Expose the ways to control this pain
And I’ll throw away all my deceit…
The past of rage that I can not escape
Forced it down inside, I told it to wait
And I asked the pain in my own bashful way
If it could fade away for one more day
Just one more day…
Just one more day…
But now I can’t breathe!
Now I can see!
How I will always bleed
I listen to screams!
I hear them in me!
I’m down on my knees
Please take this away!
I’m going insane!
I have been led astray
Abduct all this pain!
And leave me to gain!
Make it all fade…
Make it all fade…
Make it all fade!
So please teach me and set me free
Show me everything that I need…
Expose the ways to control this pain
And I’ll throw away all my deceit
The past of rage that I can not escape
Forced it down inside and told it to wait
I ask the pain in my own bashful way
If it could fade away for one more day
Notes: This song is definitely in the styling of Staind, heavy rock. It’s about knowing the hurt is there but praying for the ability to ignore for just one more day.
