A trip inside the heart and mind.
Archive for November, 2005
Hypocrites on Earth
Nov 14th
Hypocrites on Earth (11/13/2005)
You agonize over the way we pray
Sympathize with no one, no fucking way
But we are all one of God’s children
So at least we think you say
Let’s pull the curtain and reveal the truth
We are all created the same way
Save no one ’til you recognize their faith
Before we go so, god damn, we are insane
Pray
I won’t lie, I want you all to die
Pray
I don’t mind, now give me wings to fly
And save me from the…
Hypocrites on earth, the hyprocrites on earth
We are all the…
Hypocrites on earth, the hypocrites on earth
Leave me here while you go and bless yourself
The water scalds my forehead, anyway
So bend your knee and pray for all to see
The world is watching, make us all believe
Now lay your hands and bow down in gratitude
We worship one but you’re right in every way
The lines that split and divide our servitude
Save your parents before it’s too late
Pray
I won’t lie, I want you all to die
Pray
I don’t mind, now give me wings to fly
And save me from the…
Hypocrites on earth, the hyprocrites on earth
We are all the…
Hypocrites on earth, the hypocrites on earth
But what is it about me?
Why can’t you just agree?
Respect all our beliefs
We’re all on bended knee
We’re all on bended…
Pray
Pray
Pray
Pray
And save me from the…
Hypocrites on earth, the hyprocrites on earth
We are all the…
Hypocrites on earth, the hypocrites on earth
Bow down before me
Get down on your knees
Respect the world’s beliefs
Notes: I decided to experiment and go with a System of a Down/Old School Korn styling with this one. They verses are sung slowly and melodically, while the chorus starts interweaves fast screaming with slow melody (two single lines before hypocrites on earth). It’s something different from me and was pretty cool to write. About the meaning, it’s about the people who love God and cherish God and yet can’t find an understanding and respect for the beliefs of others. You’d be shocked as hell if you knew who inspired this one.
Stage Fright (Collaboration)
Nov 13th
This somehow got deleted, so I’m reposting it
Stage Fright (11/13/2005)
[Chris]
This life isn’t forever, but it’s so hard to keep together
All ties are severed as we collide inside the weather
Within the clouds of all our anger and doubt
You hear a whisper even though I’m screaming so loud
As we try to get out and break out of these cages
Each life is different and we’re all on separate stages
Flipping through pages as we try to find our places
Nobody can tell that the shadows can be contagious
As they all erase us and replace us with their lies
The concealment of truth that forces us to hide
The boys and girls cry as they can’t escape it
So they alter their minds and will learn to hate it
Cause if they can’t evade it then they’ll be assimilated
Family members lost to the worst of changes
But, one day we’ll face it and they’ll listen to what we say
And they’ll find the strength and become a protege
[Joanna]
But it’s hard to figure out
When will that time come?
When will they stop caring
And show their inner self?
When can they stop faking
And just be who they are?
Of course we want to help them
But would they even listen?
Or will they just smile and grin
Like a happy kid on Christmas?
It’s sad how people live
Spitting out lie after lie
Not knowing who they’re hurting
Not knowing who they’re killing.
Again, we want to help them
But they should learn their own.
But it’s so hard to picture
If that time will ever come.
[Chris]
To the people thrown away by a world with shoulders shrugging
And the one’s who never care, the one’s who don’t know “nothingâ€
Cause you’re too busy fucking up this world to ever see it
The lost souls of all these kids who are always forced to breathe it
And so we’re forced to exist, tucked away in all the corners
Waiting for the day we can break down the walls and borders
We’ll stand tall, ingnoring orders to drink from dirty water
Professing all our pain in unison with one another
Cause the spectrum’s brightly colored with the blood from all my brothers
To the children beaten down by their fathers and their mothers
For everyone not listened to, you can stand behind my words
Dispelling all the lies, devastation, and the hurt
So, rise up out the dirt and embrace the white hot spot light
Find the strength and inner nerve to fix everything that’s not right
Cause there is no time for stage fright when this is all we have
A moment to shine brightly and shed away the scabs
Notes (Joanna): Like Chris told you, I’m still kind of new to this writing stuff. My part might not be the greatest, but I’m trying. I owe it to Chris.
Notes (Chris): This is one of those anthem pieces, in a way. I just go into addressing all the people who tend to feel like I do. Most of the times, those people are labeled and shoved some pills and told to feel happy. This poem is for all of them, all of us.
As for Joanna, to the people who don’t know her, she’s still very young and new to this, but I’m trying to guide her where I can. I just felt now was a good time to give her some publicity and, hopefully, hear some feedback from other people.
Greatest Title of All
Nov 12th
So, it’s been a while since I’ve last posted a journal. With my dying PC, I guess I was pre-occupied.
Well, the failing HDD finally gave out on me the other day. Luckily, I had enough sense to partition my working backup drive so I could easily install Windows to it temporarily without losing all my backups. I’m running off of it as we speak. Things are a little slower running off one drive, but it’s more than good enough for now. My new system will be here on the 17th, though I probably won’t be fully up and running until the 19th, or so. While parting my current system, Nexus, and using those extra parts to fill in the new one won’t be hard, getting all the little nit pick software that I’ve grown used to up and running will take some time. Honestly, before I even think about building Firefox on the new machine, I’m installing Steam and playing some DoD:S and CS:S online. I can’t wait to see how a 3700+ w/ 128mb 6600GT compares to my ancient P4 2.0gHz w/ 9600XT. It should be a nice step up for me. I’m all giddy as we speak.
Work has been, well, hectic. There are A LOT of new people and I wind up playing babysitter to most of them. I don’t mind, but it gets a little tiring after a while. Things were a lot easier when all I had to do was worry about myself. The thing that kills me most is how much responsibility gets placed on a part timer like myself.
On that note, yes, I am still a part timer. They still have no idea if they are opening up that Merch Senior position I want to go for, so I have to wait on that. If, after the holidays, they still haven’t decided, I’m going to see if I can work something out where I can be a morning full timer. Usually, you don’t get to specify when you work, but with everything I do at Regina, I really need the nights off and I’m hoping they will accomodate me. If not, well, I have some thinking to do.
Christa’s doing the schedules now since Everett is retarded with everything and anything. She intentionally put me and Toni to open together. Lol, it’s crazy how almost everyone so plainly sees how much I like this girl. Then again, it’s crazy how many people there talk to me now. I liked it when they feared me, though I do enjoy being more open with someone like Toni. It definitely makes things easier.
This post has been scatter brained. My mind is racing at like 100mph. I’ll leave you with one thought, though. Is it time to put down the shields and try to get close to someone again?
Update: I have to see what’s what, but apparently Christa’s scheduling wasn’t put through or something cause I only have 12 fucking hours this week. I’m definitely heading in tomorrow to see what the fuck is up with that.
Possible Collab Coming
Nov 11th
I may have a collaboration piece coming in a day or two with another not far behind it. I’ve been working with a young person, helping her find her style and such and I wish to present her to everyone, finally. I guess she’s kind of like a protege and such. I’ve sent her my first stanza, she’s going to write one or two and then I’ll write a closing part. Unlike the last collab, my part will be stronger this time around.
Artificial Distance
Nov 8th
Artificial Distance (11/8/2005)
A few years ago when I started to write this persona
I put up the walls and signed on the lines, I’m the owner
But now that I’ve grown up and I can see the whole error
The way I’m set to be alone is from now ’til forever
And I cry to sever and break apart every brick of it
Cause I’m growing so tired, I’m growing so god damn sick of it
I know it’s significant to the whole way that I’m living
Cold to the world with nothing inside for the giving
It’s the reason I’m tripping and why I always keep falling
The fear that chokes me out and always keeps me here stalling
Is there more to this calling or am I stuck here with nothing?
Thinking of you but knowing that I need to be something
But there’s nothing, nothing there inside of the mirror
I know you need more but it keeps coming in clearer
So I refuse to get near her and I just break my heart open
There is no reason to try, though my heart keeps on hopin’
All while I keep on floating ’round with my sense of misery
I want somebody right there, a somebody who’s missing me
A person to finish me, one to make me feel just like you do
A person to smile and shake me up just like you do
But, not somebody like you, though, cause I’m just not good enough
Just in standing by you, I can see that I do not measure up
The things that they’ve said to us, let’s deny the existance
God, I hate these walls that serve to protect my best interest
But with every damn sentence I keep on building them upward
‘Til the joy’s insignificant and I scream out in cuss words
I depise that whole “us” word cause it’s everything that I’m not
The patheticness here is really all that I’ve got
Now I’ve hit into the the block and I can’t keep on writing
I’ll end it right here and go ahead and keep crying
Notes: You meet someone, you see how good they are, and then you force them away quickly. It’s a shitty habit.
Page Turning
Nov 8th
Page Turning (11/8/2005)
I always sit here and preach about all the pain that I feel
Every day I go on and try to make it seem real
All the layers I peel to expose my true essence
Are part of a shell used to conceal my confessions
And they become my obsessions as I sit here and write this
I take every precaution to make sure that you like this
I’m not really a fighter, just a kid without any purpose
A simple look in the mirror shows me a person that’s worthless
But, enough with the circus and the controversy around me
I’m tired of tears from all the hate that surrounds me
The maturity’s found me and now I know how to show it
I just hope I can do this and not drop or blow it
So I grip it and hold it as I advance towards the paper
God, give me the strength to become more than a hater
I always feel so much safer when I have something to write on
But it’s only the pain that seems to turn all my mind on
When I look back at the past and see a thousand blank faces
Different people I knew from all of the same fucking places
It makes me feel anxious and I’m too scared to approach it
Their words like a book and I’ve been wishing to close it
Cause those people don’t know it, but I’ve changed for the better
At least I think I have changed and it should show in this letter
To Kristen I’m sorry, the same goes to my aunt and my uncle
The words that I wrote were never that gentle or subtle
And so I drowned in a puddle of the tears of emotion
Without thinking it out and just avoiding commotion
My best wishes to you, especially to you my dear Kristen
We all make our mistakes, but I’m starting to listen
To the voices inside that try to act as my guide
And fill me with pride while giving me all my time to cry
It’s all bottled inside, but one day I’ll release it
And set everything straight so the whole world can believe it
But until that time comes, I want to emphasize my apology
I’m trying to learn from the past even though I’m not scholarly
I’m just a stupid kid with a heart trying to find his position
And to find some acceptance for the person within him
Notes: You have to read it more slowly than my usual pieces. I did it that way on purpose so people couldn’t fly over the meaning. I’m just pouring out some stuff I’ve been trying to put into words for a while. I don’t know if it’s any good or not, but it’s as honest as can be.
NexSoft Update
Nov 6th
It’s been a little quite on the NexPad and NexNote fronts lately and I just wish to keep everyone updated. Once I get my new system up and running, I’m going to work quickly to get a new release of each out. I’m going to start with NexPad for the simple fact that it doesn’t work on the .Net 2.0 Framework final release and needs to be updated to do so. There will be other changes and I’m goign to quickly recode the new “Go to line” function I’ve included, but it shouldn’t be much work at all (unless i get curious about some new options to save settings).
As for NexNote, it may be out shortly thereafter or may take some time. I’m currently in the middle of rethinking the skin system and may wind up revising it completely. What will it mean? Well, notes would be less flexible in terms of design (close button has to go top right), but would finally be resizeable right on the desktop. It would be a major rewrite of the system, so it may take some time. If I feel it’s taking too long, I’ll release the current build and make the new skin system the core change in the release after.
Thanks for hanging in there guys.
Final Rejections
Nov 5th
Final Rejections (11/5/2005)
It’s so hard to keep strong and hold my conviction
When my eyes behold such a darkened depiction
I can’t change my vision as I head towards collision
To a life of destruction with no chance of revision
So, hand me the scissors and I’ll cut out my veins
And pour out the weight that still drives me insane
I’ll spell out your names with tears from my wrist
And squeeze every drop from this life taking slit
Into darkness, I’ll slip and I’ll find consolation
No more god damn rejection in my allocation
The light’s my frustration that burns through my eyes
I try to use lies to block the pains that I hide
Cause the love’s my demise, so why should I try
I’m better hidden away where I can’t touch your life
Let me cower and hide and escape more rejection
Since I have no more pride to use for protection
But why paint this picture and why say these words?
To be honest with you, I can still feel the hurt
The pulses in nerves that hide in obscurity
The only thing true and the only thing pure to me
But don’t send your cure to me, don’t make me hide it
The pain’s who I am and I’ll just have to like it
There’s no point to fight it when I’ll never escape it
I’m losing the hope and I’ve lost all my patience
I’m better off faceless and hidden in shadows
Where the world of emotion will hinder me shallow
No more trying to take it and bear it all with a grin
When the man who I was has now rotten within
Notes: Not much to describe. The title uses the plural for a reason.
Smurfed Up
Nov 4th
Smurfed Up (11/3/2005)
Every single rhyme that I write only brings me more experience
The way this shit is so easy is what always seems eeriest
Are you out there and hearing this? Well, enough with conjecture
I’ve been eating up words so please hold on with the lecture
“Chris have you gone crazy? That just shouldn’t be said!”
When your words are impactful, then your freedoms are dead
Now, I’m laying in bed and thinking ’bout Mrs. Morgan
The lady down on her knees trying to get to my organ
Lets just Trek and get borgin’, you should get out your laser
Let’s throw insults around, but don’t touch my red stapler
And what I do to paper, damn, just shouldn’t be legal
I mix it with words to make a weapon so lethal
So, they can think that I’m evil and hold no compassion
When they call me an “asshole”, that is my main attraction
Let’s get on with the action and rage on the masses
Just as soon as the smurfs get off their blue asses
Or, just like Mike Tyson, I will stomp on their nuts
Except for Smurfette, just a kick in her gut
She’s my object of lust, but a little too chipper
A kick and a smack and then a ride on my dipper
The joys of creation come from all different places
From the sexiest smurfs to the pink power ranger
If ever in danger, I’d only want her to save me
Just look at that spandex! Oh god, fucking baby
But, now I’ feel lazy, so I’m going to stop this
I love Morgan and smurfs, you people there got it?
There’s X and line dotted, I think I should sign this
This was written by Chris, your mother is my bitch
Note: If you think it makes sense and has a profound meaning, you need to seek help. And, to answer the question now, no, I don’t do drugs.
Feeling Better
Nov 3rd
You know what makes me feel good? When someone on Neowin, who breaks the rules and calls someone else an idiot, dedicates a whole blog post to calling me childish names. Morgan, baby, I love you too. Big smooches and hugs ok?