Xpression.v2

I’ve been mellow lately. Brain drained would describe it, I guess. Stress at work, all the stress with my computer, writer’s block, and general confusion over things with Maria (yes, she’s back) and I’m just worn down. It’s a grind every day through everything I do and it doesn’t seem to be letting up in the near future. Yet, I’m only mellow. Not angry or frustrated or depressed, just mellow.

Work has been just out right retarded. It’s a weekly game of get schedule, get pissed over lack of hours, and then beg for more hours. I really think my manager hates me because he simply won’t put me on. Nevermind the fact that I’m training the new people and I do his job (Thursday, I did all his work while he chilled all day), he just keeps snipping back on my hours. He originally had me set to be off on Black Friday. There are only 3 other people in the whole fucking department who have worked the day before and two of us (Travis and I) are scheduled to be off. The only reason I got hours that day was because someone changed departments and his shift was left in the air. What kind of leadership is this? The harder I’ve worked, the less I get from it. I really am trying, though. I bust my ass day in and day out. Alex, my old manager and possible manager if I ever get that senior position in Merch, even thinks the way I’m getting low balled is unfair to me. I’m just not sure what else to do at this point. I want hours. I want to work. I’ve worked through my personal problems and am finally ready to get out there fully and I’m being held back. Fuck them.

With the stress, though, comes that addiction to competition. You know how in sports movies, they always refer to someone as having “the bug”? That bug, for me, is coaching. I was dreading coaching this year. I had a game today. I found out about it last night and finally got through to my team a half hour before it started. We got creamed. No one had their own jerseys. We hadn’t had a practice yet. Still, through all that, I loved it. The passion and intensity, the competition, the thrill. It’s so damn addictive.

One of the Neowin kiddies tried to start in with me today. I’m so mellow, I didn’t even bother being an asshole. That was probably for the better, lol.

I really don’t know what else to say. I’m a little torn at the moment. Toni is fresh and new and someome who still intrigues me. Maria, on the other hand, is someone I feel a connection with, albeit we’re very different people. I think I’ll try to hang out with her more often and see what happens. If nothing, well, at least I’ll have something to write about.

Filed under: Journal