Archive for October, 2005

Recycled Anger (10/31/2005)

There’s echoes in my head of the words I never said
Doubt becomes anxiety and then I feel regret
And so I get upset and vent it out as hatred
Anger to the people who didn’t need to take it
Frustration fills the spaces of the holes, no inspiration
I’ll throw it on the fire in a fit of aggravation
Yeah, fuck imagination, I’m sick of motivation
Pains that make me hunger with a violent inclination
So here you go, just take it, and bury all my writings
Rip apart my lungs that breathed out in timing
Enough with all the crying and the aching in my soul
I think the skill is dying so I’m forced to take control
And as it all grows whole and the pieces fit together
Another drop of blood to complete this evil letter
You people think I’m clever, but it’s all one big mistake
The words that I say now will be the ones to bring me pain
As I drive myself insane to gather what I’m feeling
I say something inane to help with what I’m dealing
And soon it hits the ceiling and I wish to take it back
The words I shouldn’t say with the meaning that they lack

But, here again we are, and it’s all come to fruition
The words I shouldn’t say are like vitamins, nutrition
It seems I need the pain to function and keep living
So excuse all of this rage, please continue with your giving
And I’ll go on with my sinning and making stupid choices
To fuck myself right over and then drown it out with noises
As the pens strikes on the paper or my fingers on the keys
Every single letter, recycled pain to be released

Notes: I started this one at work, but didn’t have much time to work on it there. To top it off, Toni saw me writing and it kind of threw me off to have someone see my stuff before it was finished. In a way, though, it made me want to make the piece that much better. As for the rhyme itself, it describes how, sometimes, I feel like I need anger and hate and pain to fully function and participate. When I feel okay, it’s simply a feeling of emptiness and nothingness. The hurt hat most would loathe, seems to drive me and motivate me. Why? Why do I rely on such recycled hatred?

A World of Expectations (10/30/2005)

I’ve been locked in this shell and it’s always gone well
Just me and myself and no things that you sell
But then somewhere I fell and the walls started breaking
The things I can’t tell cause the floor won’t stop shaking
So, fuck expectations, the lies you desire
I’ll always be me and won’t live as a liar
Throw gas on my fire, try to burn my existence
I’ll always aspire even through your resistance
Cause every insistence that I change and be open
What the fuck did you say? Have you not read my poem?
The one where I cried and the one where I broke down
The lines that I scribbled and bled as I wrote down
They come out my throat now as I scream them in fury
My critics are few, they’re my trial and jury
You think you can cure me? Try, but you’re not her
I’d rather be lone than lie, say I got her
Cause you’re not a doctor, just as fucked up as I am
The difference between us, there’s a pen here in my hand
I write with the passion while you choose self destruction
But don’t lay shit on me, try to plant your corruption
I’m angry, an asshole, a cold blooded something
The guy you don’t want, a life that is nothing
Crawl back to your alley and just let me expire
I’d rather be lone that have discomfort beside her
But, yet I still try her and attempt to be different
Kisses as poison, but they’re so damn persistent
I don’t need your assistance and I can’t deal with caring
You’re pretty and thoughtful, I’ve got nothing for sharing
So pack all your bags and leave me alone now
I’m tired of being the one to be thrown out
Fuck every rumor and all your damn expectations
I’m nothing you need, question mark, exclamation

Note: I haven’t enjoyed a god damn second of it because I’ve been made to feel like everything I am is wrong. How can liking a chick become so damn complicated every damn time?

Trying to Make Sense (10/29/2005)

I try to sit and think just to keep myself preoccupied
My stomach starts to sink when I see what I got locked inside
I try to get my conscience right and focus on my goals
Though I much prefer this rotten life, when you’re there beside the road
And just showing that you’re gold and something special in my life
Cause no matter what I’m thrown, you are there inside my mind
And I think that it’s a sign that I should stop and pay attention
My shell puts up a fight, but I approach with some disgression
I change course and direction and I feel your warm embrace
It kind of shakes me up and it’s something that I hate
That look upon your face that just takes away my brakes
I can’t escape away from your beauty and your taste
And so I try to chase you and still keep up with your pace
Am I another stupid guy to get lost inside this race?
Cause even if my case is weak and I’m another loser
I’ll have no damn regrets even if I have to lose her

Though it may take me a while to come out of my own shell
The scabs there to protect me from the others and myself
Scars that kept me well in times of utter weakness
I tried to keep it hidden, but you found a way to see it
And, although I didn’t need it, your lips caressed my secret
You tore right through my walls when nobody could repeat it
But, now I feel so cheated as we slowly fade again
Every time you leave me, it’s much longer ‘til I mend

Man, let me stop this nonsense and let me stop with speaking
I’m rambling ‘bout nothing that should ever need repeating
And I’m sure you’re sick of hearing of the girl that I hate missing
Even if there is no reason, ignored or when we’re kissing

Note: It should convey the confusion pretty well since I don’t think it makes much sense to begin with.

Inner Rubble (10/23/2005)

Locked behind the shell of all the confidence I’m lacking
I’m so lost inside a hell of a life with paper backing
It’s hard, I’m always tracking and looking for deception
And pray that you’ll attack me with the plans of your conception
So at the smallest little mention of a word that could be hurtful
I let it beat me down until I’m black and blue and purple
I’ll be running in a circle ’til you reach point of departure
Everytime somebody leaves, the trust becomes much harder
But, it’s hard to disregard her when you see what’s down inside her
Someone to level out but needs me there to guide her
And walk, right there, beside her as I try to crack the shell
So I can open up my heart and expose my only self

Now I’m so confused ’bout the path of life I’ve chosen
I’m so cold to the whole world, my soul is better frozen
And if it were to open, I’m afraid of finding pain
I’ve been there once before and it’s not my kind of game
So I made a choice to change and to close up who I am
Use logic, not emotion, and just pray you understand
To take away my hand and to ask you all to leave me
But all the logic jams when she calls and wants to see me

Fuck, there goes my focus, this girl will drive me crazy
It’s like she wants me open in some vain attempt to save me
Or maybe, just a maybe, I’ve earned nothing but her pity
Why do I even try? I must be fucking kidding
Cause, right from where I’m sitting, I see nothing to desire
None of what she wants and a long extinguished fire
Why do is this so dire? Why does it even matter?
She makes me want to open, but what’s inside has shattered