Archive for September, 2005

Just when I was getting completely bummed about life (work, lethargy, back and knee pains, loneliness), I get the chance to hear an ad, on the radio, for a free Staind concert being offered by Honda this coming weekend. Fuck yeah, man. All I have to pay is train fair and I get to, again, see my favorite band perform live! Of course, Joe is going too because I need someone to watch over me and make sure I don’t wake up in Jersey with some chick I met in line haha. Besides that, it’s just cool to get away and chill out with my boy like that.

This is, seriously, the happiest I’ve been in a while. I can’t believe my luck. If I hadn’t turned the radio on at work at the right time, I would have never heard about the offer. Again I say, fuck yeah! I bitch about how God doesn’t seem to care, but someone sure as hell came through this time around.

I had no idea today was the 11th. I thought it was the 10th.

It’s already been four years since September 11th. Can you believe how quickly time flies? It seems as though, just yesterday, I was about to go to school when I heard the news report. I remember still thinking I’d go to school until my mom told me she didn’t want me riding the subway. I kept watching and realized how chaotic things were and, for whatever reason, thought that I should go down to Regina and help out in the school. I don’t think I was able to do much other than run messages up and down the floors, but I’ll never forget the eery calm that overcame the building that was, almost suddenly, broken by the panic of parents thinking their children were next. Did they really think terrorists were going to bomb a school of 125 children? I was so cynical of that back then, but now, maybe I understand it a bit more. Afterall, we all stop thinking when paranoia and chaos set in.

Honestly, I’m not going to say this is worse than the tragic loss of life and property from such things as the December tsunami and Hurricane Katrina, but, you have to be a New Yorker to fully grasp just how mind blowing it is. The World Trade Centers were a symbol of our dominance and importance. They were strong and stood tall and defined our city, along with the Empire State Building. Then, right before our eyes, they crumbled down with the thousands of people inside and the thousands fleeing on the streets below. The dust cloud settled and that was it. All gone. Just like that.

Before they fell, my dad was unfortunate enough to witness people jumping from the towers. Can you imagine that? In the movies, you never see them hit the ground; they just fade into the darkness. This wasn’t a movie, though. No one could yell “cut” and stop it all.

After all that, it’s amazing how our lives have changed. Sure, we have our government, local and federal, investing a lot more time and money into the prevention of future attacks and all, but what about us? I can’t believe how different I am now, how much I’ve grown. My life is still a mess. I have a shitty job and only work it 3 days a week. I’m 21 and have no real idea what I’m doing in life. Yet, I’ve grown a lot since then. I have a better handle on reality, now. I’d like to think my writing has something to do with that. Four years already? Wow, we grow in a flash.

It’s been a while since I’ve written a journal entry. Honestly, I don’t know what to write about.

Life has been pretty stagnant lately. It’s either work or nothing. I personally can’t wait for CCD and Regina Basketball to start up again so that I have something constructive to do. I’m definitely more excited about coaching since the CCD program is in shambles and I have a feeling it’s going to be more stress than anything else. As long as I have coaching, though, I’ll be fine. I miss that adrenaline so much. I always joked about how I was too old for all that chaos, but I’ll never be too old for it. It’s invigorating and stimulating all at the same time. It makes me think and act and lead all at once. In other words, it’s nice.

I have other things on my mind, but I’m finding that this place is a little more claustophobic than it used to be. People actually read this shit now and pay attention. In my writing, there’s still a level of privacy built on the fact that people often misinterpret what I write about. While some special people even manage to miss what I’m saying in my journals, they are far fewer in number. It almost makes me feel paranoid, at times. It’s as though all these eyes are looking at me, staring, waiting for me to make a move. Yet, if they looked away, I would be just as uncomfortable.

Man, I feel so lethargic. I want to get back into shape, but I find myself exhausted and aching from work on my days off. If it wasn’t for my metabolism and my severely lacking diet, I would probably weigh about three thousand pounds right now. That makes me sound like a girl, doesn’t it? It’s always amusing to hear a girl complain about their weight. No matter how skinny they are, I always get the urge to say, “Stop your whining, chubby”.

That kind of randomness means I’m out of ideas. I still like Maria and thoroughly enjoyed hanging out with her. I still hate work. I still buy way too many Russian mail order brides.