Archive for September, 2005
A Letter To…Alex
Sep 29th
A Letter To…Alex (9/29/2005)
I still remember, back in time, walking in the rain
Holding hands so lovingly and never feeling pain
But things started to change, well, I guess it was all me
Growing up inside myself caused my shell to bleed
Yet, what I failed to see was the way that I behaved
There’s no easy way to say it, I acted so insane
Cause somewhere in the pain, I lost track of the time
Before I knew what happened, we were both on different sides
And I was fighting for my pride as the anger filled my mind
One minute I was screaming, the next I fell and cried
And slowly it all died as I acted out my hatred
I couldn’t even fake it that I could sit and take it
So I put our love in danger and watched it as it shattered
I tried to brush it off, but inside my heart was battered
A damn repeating pattern that I forced into your life
Of circumstance and friendship and the darkness that I hide
And, no, it wasn’t right, but you couldn’t see inside
The mess that I became in the basement that I cried
Sleeping through the light to avoid all of my burdens
But, then again at night, I really had no purpose
A chaos and a circus and the voices in my head
I wish I did it differently, never done but said
Laying in my bed, I’d pray for something better
But then I walked away and it rained inside forever
Though now I get together all the pieces that were broken
Looking back forever at all the little tokens
A little star with writing and a book with blackened pages
I can’t explain the feeling and I’m a little scared to face it
If you’d ask me for the reason, I wouldn’t really have one
I’m writing this so nervously, this rhyme is not a sad one
But I think it is a fair one, as I take up all the blame
And be the man I wasn’t when I had the chance to change
Cause now I’m less deranged and a little less insane
There’s a little more stability and heart inside my brain
And I think I’ll be okay, even as we grow more distant
Yet we continue to evade and let fear be so persistant
Though, I wish I were resistant and a little more insistent
On fixing everything, with God there for some assistance
But if we never fix this, please believe me when I say
I loved all that we shared, even through the times of hate
Notes: Finally continuing the series. This one is a little rough around the edges as it’s still hard to gather my thoughts on the subject. I tried. All I can do is try and hope that it makes sense.
Nothing to Say
Sep 28th
While some may cheer wildly, I’ve really been thoughtless lately and, thus, haven’t had much to say. I feel so drained and brain dead.
Work has been chaotic, to say the least. As a result of one person changing departments and two people quitting, I am now the saleman in Home Theater who has been there the longest. It’s an interesting change in pace as I’m quikly becoming one of those “go to” guys when questions arise. While it’s nice and definitely adds security to my job, it means more stress for the same pay. The good thing is the timing, though. My review is right around the corner and with my value to the department increasing, so may the raise I receive. I do work for the money, afterall. We’ll see what happens. Worse comes to worse, I’ll burn the place down.
C.C.D. has finally started and I’m loving it. I have a really good class with some excellent students so teaching is easier and more fun. It’s still early and I know there will be bad days, but I love teaching and I’m just happy to be back in the classroom.
While I’m not going into extreme detail, the love life has been perculating a little. While Maria and I aren’t moving any closer, Alyssa has popped up again. Each time she appears, she’s a little less “crazy” than before and I finally find myself enjoying our phone conversations. Of course, if she does the usual, she’ll vanish next week and that will be it for 3 months, but hey, it never hurts to try. At least I know I’ll piss a few people off just by mentioning her name (haha).
To close it off, last week, another wonderful Neowin member tried flaming me repeatedly for working at Best Buy. I almost got upset, then, I realized that I have a job and I have a certain amount of power in my position. What’s to be ashamed of? Nothing, so I simply laugh at his pathetic attempts now. I love you too, buddy.
Lost in a Choice
Sep 25th
Lost in a Choice (9/25/2005)
I’m so lost in the choices that lay here beside me
I can’t figure out what I feel down inside me
My face is for hiding; I can’t remain hidden
Though I will keep trying ’til I regain my vision
But, it’s like an incision, thoughts that keep bleeding
I wash them away, yet I keep retreating
Running from clouds that fog navigation
And addict me to her ’til she leaves in frustration
It’s temptation from one who’s beauty’s entrancing
She’s not even here yet she’s in my head dancing
No love or romancing, external attraction
A few worthy thoughts for my own satisfaction
I’m not looking for action, but she gives me attention
It kind of feels nice to let go of retention
And to let it all flow and just go how it goes
Though the look in my eyes is always so cold
And I try not to fold, but when she gets near me
My senses erupt and I can not think clearly
As she’s pressed to my chest in a hug or whatever
The tug, in my gut, says to be one of same feather
But with every damn choice, there is always another
The girl that I care for, that gives my life color
A little bit cold and not nearly as flirty
Though it’d kill me to know that she could be hurting
But if you’d observe me as we’re sharing our time
You’d see a small smile that has roots down inside
A warmth and a hope that I’d once forgotten
Invoked in a soul she makes whole and not rotten
A little less trodden, less worn to the bone
She gives me the strength to proceed down the road
So often alone, but so alive when she’s with me
I just wish she would see the same things down within me
The rhyme is collapsing and my thoughts are all cloudy
A million damn voices all in my head shouting
Here, I sit, doubting and hoping for answers
Before I screw up and lose both my chances
Note: It’s a little rough around the edges, but my focus is shot to hell.
Attack Dolphins? Yes, Attack Dolphins
Sep 25th
It may be the oddest tale to emerge from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico.
Experts who have studied the US navy’s cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying ‘toxic dart’ guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet’s smartest. The US navy admits it has been training dolphins for military purposes, but has refused to confirm that any are missing.
Dolphins have been trained in attack-and-kill missions since the Cold War. The US Atlantic bottlenose dolphins have apparently been taught to shoot terrorists attacking military vessels. Their coastal compound was breached during the storm, sweeping them out to sea. But those who have studied the controversial use of dolphins in the US defence programme claim it is vital they are caught quickly.
Whoever thought this one up definitely watched too much 60’s television. A guy is coming to blow a ship up and we plan on sending out Flipper? I feel bad for the bastard that winds up getting shot by these things while he’s out on his surfboard.
Words Never Heard
Sep 21st
Words Never Heard (9/21/2005)
Her beauty’s resounding, my heart’s softly pounding
Confusion and weakness, by which I am drowning
I feel so dumbfounded, my knees start to tremble
I try to act cool but my heart’s disassembled
Just falling to pieces, I give in to weakness
I try to think straight, my mind always freezes
The ache never ceases, she has me so captured
She pulls at my heart, but I’m so far from rapture
I wish I could capture the words that are in me
Explain it to her, the way that she lifts me
Away from the places and traps of the darkness
A smile to give and it’s always regardless
No catch to the clause, no small printed writing
Just warmth that I love and that brings me from hiding
Exposing the person that I enjoy being
One that is caring, not crying and bleeding
But so, here I am, unable to speak them
Words never heard, how would she greet them?
Doubts like a riddle with no easy answer
It’s worth taking risks, but I’d never chance her
And throw away friendship that I’ve come to cherish
A beauty so pure, the image won’t perish
Next to her merits, I realize that I’m nothing
Just a shell of a man that wants to love something
This rhyme makes no sense and I’m tired of writing
My mind is a mess and the voices are fighting
Just waiting and dying and losing to weakness
Each time that I see her, my heart always freezes
Note: It sucks, I know.
Silent Ed
Sep 21st
Silent Ed (9/21/2005)
The pressure keeps building ’til I’m about snap
Blow off my cap as I’m dealt all this crap
And I’ve lost all track of this time and place
Too preoccupied, my mind’s on the rage
And I’m on the stage and the light’s shining bright
My fists are clenched and the fight is ripe
Ed’s on the line but his words have sputtered
Poor little bastard can’t even mutter
Let’s watch him studder and lose his color
Tells me to “shut up” and thinks it’s butter
But his thoughts have cluttered, have run all dry
One more notch in the belt and he’s moved aside
And he’s losing pride as I stew inside
He would have been better if he threw the fight
But he knew his rights and thought he’d go at me
As if I’m a bitch with no pride to back me
But it makes me happy to have a damn target
I don’t care if he is a little retarded
Cause once it’s started, I’ll see it to finish
With everyone to see and be witness
And I’m free to clinch it, but I’ll leave it open
You’re hate’s in waves but mine’s the whole ocean
My heart’s been frozen so I bet I can take it
Your word’s a whisper, your life is faceless
And sure I hate this, words spent on hatred
But, at least I know, I’m hard to keep pace with
Here’s the ball, this shit’s all in your court
You’re right to think you ought to abort
Note: People just don’t learn.
Review of Logitech z5300e
Sep 21st
I just got the package and hooked the system up. My first impression? “God damn this sub is huge” and it really is. The packaged weighed 42lbs and most of that is, obviously, the sub. The wires on the rear speakers are actually about 10 – 12ft long so I didn’t need the extensions I brought.
Aesthetically, the system is very nice to look at, though I do have some small issues with the build. First of all, my 4 satellites are at a very slight angle because they are rotateable though they don’t reset straight up fully. Pet peeve more than anything. I also don’t care for the remote. On my old Inspires, there was a simple plastic wheel with numbers on it so I can see my exact volume position. On this, it’s just a few green lights that don’t go up or down with every click so it’s a little guess work. I’ll deal.
Sound wise, these speakers are definitely better than my old Inspires. The bass is definitely too strong but that can be counter balanced using the remote. The bass is a little muddy, though. I guess after hearing Klipsch subs at work, I got a little spoiled. The speakers are definitely nicer than my old setup. The frequency range is a tad bit wider so I can hear the crispness of snare drums and the like better.
Overall, I’m pretty pleased with the system. I’m not ecstatic about it since I did have my eyes on the Klipsch Promedia 5.1’s, but, for the price, it’s going to be hard to find better.
Working to Relax
Sep 20th
Often times, I talk about Brooklyn and how much I love it, but there are times you can’t help but to step back and say to yourself, “Wow, this place is nuts”. My boy at work Joe (not best friend Joe) has been through a sizeable amount of hell in the last week, or so. His sister’s boyfriends brother was beaten and then shot in the head right in front of his own house. The landlord saw the door open and discovered his body on the front lawn at about 3am. That’s kind of crazy. I have a tendency to piss a lot of people off. Kind of scary thinking that one day it could be me. My condolences and best wishes to the family and friends.
With all my stress lately, I’m just trying to get away from things a bit. At work, I’m trying my best to use my fellow workers to keep me loose simply by talking to them and such. People like Anthony and Christa are great for that. I still dislike my job, but I honestly don’t know what kind of job I wouldn’t hate. To think, I almost wound up at Starbucks. I could never live with myself if I had to sell $7 coffee.
I’m also silently taking it a little easy at Neowin. I’m still doing my job and all, but I’m choosing to stay out of the staff areas. I just don’t see it as being time usefully spent, right now. Maybe it’s my age or temper that discredit me, but I’m just tired of always having my ideas rejected. I’m already finding it more enjoyable. I’ve had more time to spend in the tech forums and those are always a nice refuge for me. I get to help people and really make a difference.
I finally found out that I do, in fact, have a 5th grade CCD class. There’s only 11 kids, but that number may grow with late registrations and such. I’m really excited about working with kids again. For some reason, I just get along with them so well. Maybe it’s because I’m a big kid myself or maybe it’s the fact that I treat them like equals and try to show them respect instead of being a condescending authority figure. I only hope that I can guide them in the slightest bit.
That’s about all from me. I’m being called “Chrissy-poo” again, this time by Christa. She, for whatever reason, called me “Chrissy” at which I blurted out, “God, that’s as bad as Chrissy-poo”. She went with it. Not something I’m thrilled about.
Some Damn Sunday
Sep 19th
Today has been one of those days that just fucking suck. I wake up and have to go to Regina for the Catechist initation mass and meeting afterwards. Nothing has changed in that damn place. A minute before the mass starts, they finally begin planning things. Are you kidding me!? To make things even better, they accomplished nothing so the whole ceremony was filled with awkward silence and riddled with misexecution. When Zeni is the one exhibiting the most common sense, you know you’re fucked. You could throw a fat kid down a hill and have more order than was shown at this mass.
Then, we have the freaking meeting. After offending my taste buds and stomach with some of the worst food I’ve ever tasted, we sit down for an hour and a half of this woman basically saying “I don’t know what the fuck is going on”. The program starts up in three days and nothing is set in stone!? Are you kidding me?! What have you done all summer?! She should be forced to eat all those shitty sandwiches.
Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse, my damn PC surround sound system just fucking blew out. I heard the click of it power off and that was it. Gone. AHHHHHHHHHH!!! I was all set on not spending any unneccessary money this month and now I just had to throw $160 at Newegg so I can get a new system sent to me. It’s not even the system I wanted to get eventually. Why not? Cause I can’t fucking afford it for about another 3 months or so.
It’s as though God thinks I had too good of a time yesterday. That’s the only explanation. My luck couldn’t be this bad so it has to be intentional. At least tomorrow, I’ll get to relax……at work! Ughhh! I could go on cursing for another 3 hours, but I’ll end it here.
Hollow Anguish
Sep 18th
Hollow Anguish (9/18/2005)
With this hole in my chest, from this life I digress
Leaving behind my cold silhouette
I’m not that upset, but I feel so damn empty
Hollowed inside and your hope can not tempt me
Or keep me alive with a smile for your taking
A mask to assure you that the lie isn’t breaking
I’m so tired of faking and pretending for others
Holding them up while my own life is smothered
And drained of the color of my past aspirations
Fading to black taking your aggravations
I’m lacking the patience to deal any longer
I’m tired of fighting and not getting stronger
Too backed in the corner to bother with trying
The tears show I’m weak, a blank stare shows I’m dying
The fascade for the hiding is crumbling down
Exposing the pain that was then and is now
Cause all that I’ve found in all of these lessons
Is that I’m alone and so prone to the message
The words of the darkness and hopeless convictions
That I try to convey through these verbal depictions
Are all that I know and the knowledge is hollow
It’s as though every breathe gives me nothing to swallow
And the road that I follow has nothing to show for
But the tales of mistakes that give me nothing to hope for
So I’ll settle my own score and digress from the picture
I’ll fall so far away that I’ll just be a mixture
Of photos and stories and things so forgotten
The face of a soul that the anguish had rotten
