Archive for August, 2005

Welcome to Xpression.V2

4
6 years ago
by bangbang023 in

By the time you see this message, I’m sure you will be very confused and wondering if you, perhaps, clicked the wrong link. Rest assured my friends, this is still Xpression. Due to the limitations of the old system and my own personal boredom with it, I decided to updgrade to WordPress. It is a very flexible blog system that simply had the plugins I need to provide as easy a transition as possible. The theme, while not of my own creation, was heavily modified by me to provide you with the same information you’ve grown used to on the main page of Xpression.

The only major change to the presentation is the fact that every post now appears on the front page. It’s how the system works and may take some time to get used to, but I do believe it helps you, the reader, to more quickly access the information.

This is still a work in progress, so there may be times things are completely broken or a little out of whack, but I felt I was far enough along to set this to live. Hopefully, this new design and system will encourage people to comment more. I know, personally, it definitely encourages me to post more.

Thank you for your continued interest in my life and, well, let the controversy continue.

Dismantled

0
6 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Dismantled (8/23/2005)

[verse 1]
To every single lie I’ve faced
And every single time I traced
My veins to make you go away
And purge you from my fucking brain
In burdened patterns on my skin
Doing wrong to run from sin
Scorching hope to bring me closure
Save me from your cold exposure
Won’t you save me?

[chorus]
I’m like a canyon from a thousand bombs
Eroded down and now I’m torn apart
I’m burned alive by all of your deceit
I drown myself to find some relief

[verse 2]
These simple words won’t pay my way
What you stole’s now what I crave
Bleeding dry all of our pain
To wipe the tears right off our face
I’m grasping onto what is not
I’ll squeeze it ’til it’s all I got
I’ll give to you my last of breaths
And carve your name into my chest

[chorus]
I’m like a canyon from a thousand bombs
Eroded down and now I’m torn apart
I’m burned alive by all of your deceit
I drown myself to find some relief
I drown myself for some…..

[bridge]
Dismantle me
Take me away, break me apart
Dismantle me
Take this away, rebuild my heart
Dismantle
I can no longer take this
I can’t, I can’t

[chorus]
I’m like a canyon from a thousand bombs
Eroded down and now I’m torn apart
I’m burned alive by all of your deceit
I drown myself to find some relief
I drown myself for some…..

[bridge]
Dismantle me
Take me away, break me apart
Dismantle me
Take this away, rebuild my heart
Dismantle

I can’t, I can’t

Note: If this were to be heard, it would be a mix of Staind’s “Outside” and “Devil”. It’s a little hard to explain it, but it’s one of those harder acoustic songs.

Burden of Needs

1
6 years ago
by bangbang023 in

No one reads what I post here, it seems.

Money is really screwing up my life. I hate it, but I need it. I loathe it, but I can’t live without it. I don’t want to hear any bullshit about how God will provide me with what I need. He doesn’t hand out paychecks and sometimes that’s all that’s needed. I’m literally broke and can’t catch a break. This week’s paycheck was supposed to be for me. I was going to be able to eat a meal daily and just be relaxed. What happened? I wind up needing a new damn mattress and boxspring because mine are shot to hell. You would think my family would pay for it, being that it’s a living requirement. Nope, no go. My dad simply excuses me from paying my rent for the month of September. It’s not even half the cost of the crap. I fucking hate this. My bank account was accumlating money nicely. I went from $1200 to $2500 in half a year, which is a lot consider my pay and living expenses. Now it’s down to $2000 and I don’t see any chance of it going back up. To make matters worse, the people of Brooklyn are scumbags and steal too much shit so I won’t be getting a bonus check from work this year. I’m fucking broke. I barely eat anything remotely healthy (or eat at all) and my work sneakers are shot to hell and I can’t get new ones right now. I hate money. I fucking hate it. Joe gets a whole new fucking room and I’m living in my own poverty in my own god damn house. I fucking hate money. My luck, I’ll be getting sick soon. I’m stressed, sleeping on a shitty bed, not eating much and have no insurance. Either I’ll get sick or my fucking front teeth will chip again (half of each tooth is fake) and I’ll be royally fucked. I can’t take this shit anymore.

Update: I’m on the phone right now cancellign the order. Fuck it I”d rather sleep on a broken nasty mattress/boxspring than be poor and stressed out. I can handle the back pain and shit, I can’t handle starving.

Update: My mom was actually cool and said sh’ed chip in $50 and my dad offered to throw in $23 while also waiving the month’s rent, so it only cost me $50 for this. I bitch alot, but I have to admit this was very nice of them, especially my mom.

One of Those Weeks

1
6 years ago
by bangbang023 in

It’s has definitely been one heck of a week. I am surely glad that it is coming to an end.

Monday, I had an unusually long shift at work. With the department in the red and customers being more obnoxious than ever, it’s extremely hard to find any motivation, no matter how hard I try to be optimistic. It feels like a whirlpool sucking the energy out of everyone who puts on that blue polo shirt. It just keeps going no matter how hard you try to fight it. The customers have gotten so bad that I try to avoid working with the expensive stuff simply because I’m tired of every sale being a fight on whether or not I’m out to screw them over. Just a whirlpool you can’t swim out of.

Tuesday entailed a short work day, which was nice, but really didn’t bring anything to the table. I don’t even remember most of Tuesday.

Wednesday was one of those days where I wasn’t meant to relax, at all. First, I make a comment over at Neowin that winds up angering too many people. That was fun. I can’t forget the innocent trip to McDonald’s which added in a brief visual twist that I could have gone without. When I finally thought I was going to be able to relax and sit back and play some MVP Baseball, my XBOX controller decides it’s had enough of this cruel world and killed itself off. I should have just woken up that day and closed a door on my head. It would have been short and to the point.

Thursday was yet another joyous day of Best Buy employment. I am not going to be upsey when Alex, my manager, gets transferred to Appliances next week. Maybe I’ll wear some assless chaps just to show him what he’s missing out on now.

Friday’s only event was an uncomfortable and patience testing trip to Adelphi University to help Diana move back into her fall dorm room. Besides the fact that Joe and I walked onto campus, into the dorm building, around campus and even in and out of the dorm room without ever being stopped, I’m sure their security is top notch. I should have stolen a base pad, just to compensate for the shitty day.

Can you believe this? I just did a break down of my week as if people are going to care. I’m starting to question if I’ve really grown as much as I thought. Why all the anger? Why can’t I get over the past? Ignorance is bliss until you know the question exists.

Fran of Frans

0
6 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Fran of Frans (8/17/2005)

Now that I have your attention, sit down for the session
While I babble to teach you and vent out my aggression
I just found my profession, done without your disgression
Beautiful hate that will hand out a new lesson
I’ll stop now, I’m just flexin’, showing off verbal muscle
Flipping through words with no concern of the trouble
Oh please don’t be mad, I’m begging you please
Ha, I’m just playing, get as pissed as you need
Get the pistols you keep and shoot rounds off at me
Curse me for relief ’til you’ve found disbelief
“I just do not get it, he was once such a good boy”
Write me angry letters, hope I’ll find us a new joy
And pray that I’ll rejoin your most perfect of dinners
Nothing like sharing the bullshit with sinners
Whose eyebrows’ the thinnest? Are her’s painted on?
That bitch is a racist, yet her face is long gone
I should take my long arm and smack her a little
Just enough to set straight and get her back in the middle
Walking the line of the crazy and desparate
This house wife’s not pretty, but is plastic invested
Oh, that’s so precious, that is so god damn perfect
I’ll go hump on her leg ’til I’m labeled perverted
No, your’e not crazy, that made no damn sense
She gave me her drinks and now my head is a mess

What is this beef? What the hell is he doing?
The past is complete, but the future is brewing
Something not sealed up, so now I will close it
Abuse her a little, have my fun and expose it
Cause people like that, with the fakest of faces
Need a small taste of the hate of the racists
You fuck around with that stuff and here’s your results
Oh, Fran of the Frans, a clown and her cult

Note: This is a very delayed reaction. Maybe like 2 or 3 years ago, there was an incident at my Aunt’s house where someone close to me was pretty insulted by the racist comments made by a drunken friend of my Aunt. I wasn’t the Chris I am today back then, so I didn’t really have the focus to react the way I should have. I finally just approached it and, instead of adding more hate and anger to such stupidity, I decided to have fun with it while still making a statement.

A message to the haters…

1
6 years ago
by bangbang023 in

To all the dick heads on my case lately: I actually like WindowBlinds. Just as I like Firefox. Just as I like AIM. Just as I like RealPlayer. I’m allowed to be critical of an application and still like it.

Gasp of Exhaustion

0
6 years ago
by bangbang023 in

Gasp of Exhaustion (8/17/2005)

The words that I speak are often lost in translation
I see love, you see hate, now you see me fill with frustration
All the verbal gestation and the preparation I go through
Just to spit a few lines that I can present you and show you
But why does it throw you and the meaning not flow through?
Does the beat have you twisted? Does the rhyme pattern slow you?
I don’t fucking know you and assume you’re not stupid
But it just goes to show you that this talent is useless
It’s all wasted and putrid from a man who is clueless
I don’t know shit about life yet I sit here and do this
Rocky or fluid, it’s not something that matters
It’s like speaking to walls, meaning lost and all shattered
From all the mad hatters to the cheshire catters
To the stars in the sky that confuse all my chatter
I sweat and I clammer just to have nobody get it
No damn clue what I’m saying no matter how that I said it
And somehow I regret it, I fucking hate the confusion
I pour out my soul and give you the chance for inclusion
When you say I’m not open and I don’t fucking say shit
Did you read my damn rhymes or will you once again fake it?
Stare at me faceless, blank eyes for the lying
You think that you know me, but you don’t know my writing
But why bother fighting? Why should I care if you listen?
I’ll go back to my corner, curled in the fetal position

Man, I’m just tired and I have no thoughts I can go with
I’m exhausted from trying to find a beat I can flow with
I wish that someone would notice the things I keep saying
Pick up on the lines and just notice I’m praying
From a soul that’s decaying to a God that can’t hear me
Words I’ll keep saying ’til the whole world will jeer me
It’s okay if you fear me and wish to keep distance
I hate myself too at this moment and instant
Should I keep with persistance or back away slowly?
Crawl back to the hole so the whole world can’t know me
Will somebody show me how to maintain my essence
I’m eroding away the more I learn all these lessons

Note: To really feel this one, you have to imagine it as I wrote it. The first stanza is basically me screaming at everyone about how I hate being misunderstood and how no one pays close enough attention to my writing and how, sometimes, I feel like this “talent” is a complete waste. The second stanza is where I just collapse and fall back from exhaustion and simply mutter and cry out my last words before going back into hiding. It’s just how I feel right now.

Away

0
6 years ago
by bangbang023 in

[verse 1]
I, in my mind
I have lost it all and I want to die
But I, can’t you see
That it’s all panned out
We choose to fly or choose to bleed

[pre-chorus]
I don’t think that I can take it
You don’t think that I can make it
We’re too scared to fucking face it
Let’s forget and we’ll erase it

[chorus]
Cause nothing can save me so let me fly
Away
No one can save me so let me die
Away

[verse 2]
Once, I let go
I pushed away and found the cold
And so, close to me
All these addictions
They start to take control of me

[pre-chorus]
I don’t think that I can take it
You don’t think that I can make it
We’re too scared to fucking face it
Let’s forget and we’ll erase it

[chorus]
Cause nothing can save me so let me fly
Away
No one can save me so let me die
Away

[bridge]
I try…
I try…
I try…
I try…

[chorus]
Cause nothing will save me so let me fly
Away
No one will save me so let me die
Away

[pre-chorus]
I don’t think that I can take it
You don’t think that I can make it
We’re too scared to fucking face it
Let’s forget and we’ll erase it

[chorus]
Cause nothing will save me so let me fly
Away!

Note: It’s a heavy rock song, but in the style of Seether or Staind and not a band like Korn. The verses have a heavy bass line while the pre-chorus brings in the guitar fully. The pre-chorus jumpes right into the chorus with literally no pause at all between them. It’s hard to explain, but it’s in my head

The lyrics themselves are all about being sick and tired of people thinking they can help you be something you’re not. It’s about giving up and just accepting that some things/people (and perhaps oneself) will always be fucked up.

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