I’ve grown tired of the silence so it’s time to set off sirens
I mostly play it passive but sometimes I like the violence
Cause deep behind my eyelids there’s a place just like an island
With a fuse forever burning and a fuse you’re losing time with
I’ve done my best to try this but now I’m losing patience
Like a doctor with a scalpel he’s made a few mistakes with
But I just refuse to take this and even if it’s baseless
I’m declaring it all over and erasing all the traces
Say goodbye to all the braces and all supporting structures
This fire’s burned the bridge and I’m barely feeling flustered
There’s comfort in conclusions and though I feel disgusted
Apathy is dead ahead; it’s what I’ve always trusted
Though I wish we had discussed it or even talked a little
A friendship is deserving of a chance to walk the middle
To toe the line of reasoning and balance out existence
To be forever stupified but do it with persistance
But through silent bred insistance, you brought this to a finish
It’s hidden from the orange sun and simply out of spinach
I mean the fuel has been exhausted and there’s really nothing in this
So it’s time to say goodbye now and forgo the chance to fix it
And I hope I have your interest though I never want to mend this
It’s just a simple letter and the medium it’s sent with
Cause it’s like the little period at the end of every sentence
This is the end to everything we used to know as friendship
Have you ever touched your mind with a psychotic product
Simple needle to the brain right behind your fucking eye socket
Beg the doc to end it but he answers you with “why stop it?”
If crazy is contagious then I think he’s claiming I got it
So, it’s best if I just drop it and put the paper in my pocket
Take it to the pharmacist so he can help me shop it
But that prick is so annoying and man he’s so obnoxious
He seems to be guy who would shove me in the lockers
Or pull me by my boxers and drag me to the doctors
Tell them that I started it and prescribe a few concoctions
This candy that I’m swallowing has me seeing goblins
I don’t think it can help me cause it’s only making problems
But this is how I’ll solve them, taking crazy to the paper
Every line is like a pill and I’m addicted to the flavor
One day it’s my own demons and the next it’s all the haters
I don’t think that I’m crazy, but I do think you’re all traitors
So, I’ll sit here with my foil hat folded into layers
I’ll act just like the president and you’re just fucking mayors
Inside this little silly world, I’ve made us all the players
If the picture starts to fade, I’ll take one or two pills later
Cause the dream is what I savor as another Z pill taker
Nine years into history and I still can’t fill the crater
If you ever want to do it, just do me one damn favor?
Just take your fucking brain to a mother fucking grater
There’s not a day that passes that I don’t sit and imagine
If this skill would just develop, all the things that would just happen
How this fucking cage I’m in and the hole that I feel trapped in
Would fall to shreds and vanish and leave me in it’s ashes
So I could rise up like a phoenix and look down at all you bastards
With the fury of thousand words, I’ll leave you feeling plastered
Cause the skill that I just mastered dimmed the lights on Mr. Passive
And I’m the one who stood tall preaching bullshit to the masses
I’m just sick of all your “classes” and the beat downs and darkness
These fucking words I hold so dear can leave me feeling heartless
Like a bomb in your apartment, I will blow the fucking roof off
And then lower my own tone to the point I think it’s too soft
I will knock their fucking shoes off with my grasp on my emotions
To me it’s just a silly rhyme, but to them it’s all just poems
And people all around the world, though I’ll never know them
Will tell me that they love me and my words help to console them
And then I’ll go and show them the whole lighter side of living
The fun in being stupid and the joy in the sometimes sinning
The way to make a joke even if the time’s not fitting
Cause if we can not laugh, then I’m simply fucking quitting
But right now I’m just here sitting and praying they don’t find
Hiding from the assholes who love to fucking grind me
The way they bark their orders, the way they love to try me
One day is just a dream away and then I’ll redefine me
Notes: Crude and rough, but figured I might as well post it anyway.
Last week, I took my annual week off and spent it all with Melanie. It was an amazing time and a week that really reminded me of a few key things in life.
Saturday, the 9th, we kicked everything off with a trip to Six Flags with one of my sisters and her boyfriend. It was a blast and I couldn’t imagine a better way to start the vacation. I wound up doing every coaster except Rolling Thunder and Batman. Why skip those two? Well, Rolling Thunder’s only goal seems to be to destroy the spinal cord of every single rider and Batman seems to make every Vendemio a sick Vendemio. I guess I was playing it safe since I still had a whole week off to follow. I did summon up the testicular fortitude to ride King Da Ka again, though. While I still question the fun of such a short ride, the insanity of the damn thing made every other coaster seem like a cake walk. Finishing off with Nitro and a ride in the front of El Toro just rounded off the day so perfectly.
The next three days were spent in Seaside Heights. Between the beach, the rides and games, and stalking the stars of Jersey Shore, it was a great time. The run-ins with the Jersey Shore cast were definitely the most noteworthy moments. The first night there, Melanie and I wound up being no more than 5 feet away from Sammi and J-Woww as they fled an arcade and headed back to the house. The next morning, while we all had breakfast, Mike walked in to the place and ordered breakfast and hung out for about 20 minutes. That also brought about the funniest moment of the day. When we ordered our food, Melanie asked for an iced coffee and was told, by the waitress, that they “don’t have any ice”. Ten minutes later, Mike asks for ice for his coffee and gets a whole tub of it. I don’t know what changed in ten minutes, but that was a ridiculously funny and dream shattering moment.
After leaving Seaside and returning to Staten Island for one night, we headed out to Atlantic City as her parents were comp’ed a room by Harrah’s and offered us a free night. Who can turn down such an offer? This was my first ever trip to AC or any casino in general and it was pretty cool. I’m really cautious about my money, so I spent almost all of my time on penny slots, but it was a fun environment, nonetheless, and I learned that it’s a place I could enjoy in the future. The second day there, Melanie and I spent our time at the Atlantic City Outlets which are alternatively named “The Walk”. I spent a little more than I wanted to, but I definitely got a lot for my money. It was nice to get clothes I truly like as PacSun and Ecko Unlimited are, outside of the outlet environment, too expensive for my tastes but very affordable when they’re selling their stuff at outlet prices. I, also, bought Melanie the Coach bag I’ve been promising her since my promotion at work. I’m going to consider it an apology for something stupid I’ll probably do in the future. Apology accepted?
We finished up the week with a trip to the Bronx Zoo, which was cool since I haven’t been there in over ten years. It was a nice, simple day together and a good chance for me to use my new camera. I learned that I really need to work on my focal points as a few too many of my shots had the main subject out of focus. Woops. It’s a learning process, I guess.
All in all, I had an amazing week and it really reminded me of how much joy and happiness life can contain. I have a lot to say on that subject, though, so I think I’ll save it for the next blog post. Yeah, I know, two blog posts (or at least, planned posts) in the same week? Unheard of!
Every now and then, I get lucky with a photograph that can pass as an acceptable desktop wallpaper (at least, by my criteria). This is one of them. I was struck by how abandoned the place looked even though the complex was really anything but.
There’s this record or CD or whatever you name it
That’s been playing the same and I just can’t escape it
It preys on my brain while I sit in complacence
One thinking of leaving, but remaining in patience
The speaker is loud, too loud to just face it
I cover my ears, but it’s like I can taste it
It ruins my days with a ridiculous cadence
It finds all the joy and then quickly it breaks it
Yet I’m sickly and taken by all of this music
This song was so perfect, but now it’s so putrid
It comes off as useless and brings nothing to me
It can’t pierce my soul, hell, it can’t even move me
It’s rarely still soothing, it’s rarely still peaceful
It can’t flow throughout, but it can leave me feeble
I once knew the lyrics like an addict knows needles
But now it’s all backwards and everything’s evil
But this song can still tweedle and hypnotize me
It gets stuck in my head and then gets inside me
I can hum a few bars and it brings me a smile
But the speakers give feedback, I reach for the dial
Cause it’s right here beside me, I’m nearer to leaving
Just changing the channel cause my ears are here bleeding
The joy’s been receding and this song has been played out
Please shuffle the playlist or just show me the way out
I’ve been a supervisor, officially, for two weeks, now, and I’m still going through growing pains. I have two main issues that I know I need to deal with before I go insane: My desire to do it all myself and my never ending fear of failure.
No matter what the environment may be, when you become a leader, you need to learn delegation skills. While I understand the process, I also have this natural instinct to want to do everything myself. In my case, I wound up selling WAY too much in the first week on the job. I became so engrossed in the selling, that I really felt like the numbers were solely up to me and my sales. It was exhausting and, honestly, I’m glad I was able to notice the issue before I drove myself too crazy so quickly. I don’t want my employees to think I’m running from the work, but I know I can’t do it all and need to be smart about delegating things in the future.
My other problem is something I’ve dealt with for all of my life: An absolute fear of failing. We can dive deep into the psychology of why I fear failure so much, but there’s no point. In reality, I don’t feel joy whenever I succeed. Instead, I feel relief that I didn’t fail. Obviously, the feeling isn’t all that enjoyable. As I work to turn around a department that has lagged behind the pack for a long time, I find myself freaking out over every little set back. I guess part of me expects to be able to fix the problems over night. Another part of me, when that doesn’t happen, sends itself into a panic and brings me with it. I know it’s not healthy and I need to figure out what an acceptable rate of improvement is because, otherwise, I’m going to wind up in a straight jacket. I just really don’t want to fail at this. I took a big risk by staying with this company for as long as I have and I know this is my one chance to prove I can do it and move further up the ladder. Failure would ruin all of that.
My friends at work have been great in getting me through this all, though. When I’m lost in the numbers or freaking over a set back, it’s nice to have people around me who are funny and intelligent and able to make me laugh or distract me. For a guy who used to shy away from people, I’ve become really reliant on those around me for that all important mental relief.
My mom’s pets, a set on Flickr.
In an attempt to distract myself and get some use out of my new camera, I decided to take a few pictures of some of the pets my mom has around the house. These were all taken under artificial lighting at dusk.
As I start to take more pictures, I’m learning that I really enjoy shooting animals. It takes more patience, but it seems to be the one type of shot I have some grasp of framing and capturing well. There’s just something elegant about the details of a good looking animal that so many other subjects, I attempt to shoot, lack.
Today, I officially start my new position as Sales Supervisor in my store and I’m super nervous. I’ve been working in the warehouse for 4 years, now, and going back to the sales floor is going to be a major adjustment. On top of that, going back to the sales floor with so much more responsibility on me makes me worry about failing. I obsess about not failing and I’m praying to god that I don’t drive myself crazy.
The one thing that will help me get through this, as is always the case, will be my co-workers. I was able to hand pick my team and that definitely helped build some confidence in my ability to get things rolling. There’s a mix of gamers and overall good workers and, most importantly for my nerves, good friends who I trust to do their best to get us to victory. Having these people around me and knowing that they aren’t clueless drones who will try to get by doing the bare minimum is a very nice feeling and one that lends itself to easing my nerves.
I still worry, though, about how the schedule change will affect my personal life, namely, my relationship. In my previous role, I would work 6am – 2pm shifts, which would give me plenty of time to make it out to Melanie on most days. Now, on the sales floor, most of my shifts will be mid to late shifts, where I won’t get out until 8pm. This is seriously going to put a cramp on the number of days that I can see Melanie and I worry about the strain it’ll put on our relationship. I’m hoping that we’re both patient enough to deal with it.
This is going to be an interesting journey, either way. While I know most people would scoff at working their entire lives in retail, it’s something I’ve become ok with. With a company like mine, if I work hard enough, I can make $80,000 to $100,000, on the store level, without having a college degree. I know I should have stayed in school and what not, but it’s a great opportunity to, at least, be financially secure, regardless. With that said, though, I would still like to have a normal 9 to 5, Monday to Friday job. Maybe I can find one at some point, but it seems as though most of them require some sort of college degrees and, well, we just went over that.
May 27th, 2011, a set on Flickr.
These are just a few of the pictures I took on my final day working in Merch. I just wanted to get out, with Melanie, and enjoy the beautiful weather. I also wanted to be able to use my new Sony NEX-5 compact system camera.
I took about 40 pictures, in total, but these are the only ones I felt looked decent enough to post.